Guilt mixes with my hunger for the girl in front of me. What kind of a father would I be if I acted on these impulses? I can’t find out. Somehow, I manage to release Shea’s backside from its position against my lap, missing those taut curves immediately. I want them backnow.“How the hell am I going to stay away?”
She blinks back at me over her shoulder, golden eyes bright as they sweep down the front of my body, before returning to my face. “I was just wondering the same thing about me.”
five
Shea
I hate the party.
I want to leave the moment we arrive and Emma deserts me. To be fair, she warned me she’d be occupied with a guy tonight and ordered me to mingle.
But apparently that’s not the kind of order I enjoy following.
Everyone is crammed into the filthy frat house seems hell bent on their own destruction—and I know that makes me sound hypocritical, since I actively tried to seduce my roommate’s father. But the music is loud, everyone is shouting at the top of their lungs. People are having conversations, but no one is looking each other in the eye. They’re always scanning the room. Keeping an eye out for a better option.
We’ve been there for fifteen minutes when I am handed a beer by a boy. He looks baffled by the sweatshirt I’m wearing, which reaches all the way past my knees, but smiles nonetheless and starts asking me questions. Where am I from? Who is in my friend group? Who do I know?
I respond as best I can, when I’m yelling to be heard, but I’m really just counting the seconds until he leaves me alone. There is only one man I’m thinking about and he’s intense, succinct, real. And he has about a hundred and fifty pounds of muscle on this boy who is edging closer to me, asking me if I have a boyfriend.
“I’m…interested in someone,” I say in response. That’s not a lie.
Just because I can’t have Jason doesn’t mean I’m notinterestedin him.
Like what he’s doing right now. If he ate his leftovers.
“Oh no. I’m too late?” says the boy. “Is he here?”
That paints a laughable image. Jason would look like a pro wrestler at a children’s birthday party if he was to walk into this room. “No, he’s not here.”
Eyebrow waggle. “I guess we don’t have to worry about him then, right?”
I give a half-hearted laugh. Emma gives me a thumbs up from across the room where she’s dancing with a guy I vaguely recognize. Must be the dude she’s talking to.
The boy in front of me tugs up the hem of my sweatshirt, exposing one of my thighs, before I yank it back down. “Aren’t you hot in this thing? Why don’t we take it off?”
“No, thanks,” I say firmly. “I’m leaving it on.”
I don’t want to break Jason’s rule. I’m determined to keep it. Iwantto.
It’s all he can give me.
“You’re gorgeous. Don’t you want to show off that body a little?”
I’m starting to feel kind of queasy. And not just from the warm beer. “I think I see a friend…excuse me,” I say, sidling past the handsy guy. Weaving through students who eye my oversized sweatshirt curiously. A girl from one of my classesstops me, demanding I take a shot of something clear, and I do it, just to see if the alcohol will help me enjoy the noise and chaos more. But everything just seems to grow tinnier, blurrier.Louder.
I close my eyes and picture myself in Jason’s living room.
In front of that roaring fire.
His big hands stroking my hips. My belly. Like he did earlier tonight.
And Ilovedit. My nerve endings are still humming like charged ions.
“Hey,” says another boy, sliding into view. This one is wearing a 49ers jersey and a less creepy smile than the last guy, but I don’t feel like pretending I’m interested in small talk again. “You’re Emma’s friend, right? What’s with the sweatsh—”
“I’m not feeling well,” I blurt, cutting him off. “I need to get some air. Sorry.”
I cut through the wall-to-wall people, ignoring boys who try to stop me, engage me in conversation. Finally, I’m out the front door into the slightly chilly night. I glance back into the house at Emma, who is now actively making out with her crush. I shoot her a text message and watch her read it through the window of the house, her features pinched with annoyance over the interruption.
