There was a world of emotion in that one word.
“What an asshole.”
Yvonne
Icouldn’tsaywhy,butToni calling my father an asshole was the funniest thing I’d heard all year.I huffed out a surprised breath, then I started laughing, softly at first, then the kind of big belly laugh that made tears run down your face and your breath become labored.
It felt good to laugh, to dispel the tension and revulsion that had flooded my system the instant I heard my father’s voice.I’d gone through a few years of therapy learning to accept that it wasn’t healthy to have a relationship with my parents, but that didn’t make it any easier.
When I finally stopped laughing, Toni gave me a serious look.
“Don’t let him get into your head,” she ordered.“We have a game to win today.”
I shivered at her bossy tone.I didn’t mind it, not at all.
“Oh we’re going to win,” I said, my voice full of conviction.“I’ll show him he’s wrong about me or die trying.”
“Please don’t die trying,” she said mildly.“I’d really like to have sex with you again.Hopefully many, many times.”
Her lighthearted humor was helpful, it kept me from descending into the abyss of bad memories, self-doubt, and hatred that usually accompanied an encounter with my father.
“You’ll never be as good of a player as me,”he’d said to me in Russian.“You’re just an insignificant little girl.I won the gold medal at these games before you were even born playing real hockey, not the easy hockey against girls.You’re an ungrateful daughter who makes her mother cry.You act like American slut.I curse the day you were born and I’ll enjoy seeing you lose to the strong women of my homeland.”
It was a sharp contrast to Toni’s father.He’d also been on a gold medal team on his trip to the International Games during his playing days, but he’d talked at length about how he hoped that Toni would do even better than him.He seemed proud of her success, and her mother had been the same.
Of course most of my father’s anger was because I’d cut off contact with him.For years I’d avoided his calls, refused to respond to any emails from him, and steered clear of him when we ended up at the same events.If there was one thing my father hated, it was not being able to control me the way he controlled my mother.
Suddenly I was angry again.Why couldn’t my parents be normal?Why couldn’t they be happy for me?Why couldn’t they be supportive?
“Don’t worry, my parents will cheer for us enough to make up for all the naysayers,” Toni said, somehow reading my mind.
How did she do that?Her words rang true.I’d only met them twice and I already knew that Toni’s parents would support me more than my own parents ever would.
“Finish your breakfast,” Toni said.“I know your sperm donor probably ruined your appetite, but you’re going to need those calories to kick some Russian ass.”
That made me laugh again.Or maybe I was just delirious.
We finished our breakfast in a comfortable silence, then headed out for our team meeting.I was laser focused, intent on beating the Russians in a way that I hadn’t been when I started my day.Not that I wouldn’t have been competitive – I was extremely competitive even on my worst day.
But my father’s little visit fired me up even more.He’d been trying to mess with my mind and ruin my confidence – something he was a master at -- but now I didn’t just want to beat the Russians, I wanted to humiliate them.Before today, winning the game was a professional goal, now it was also a personal one.I wanted to wipe that condescending smirk off my father’s face and bring my country some international glory at the same time.
And when it was all over, I needed to figure out a plan to keep Toni in my life.Because somewhere between her rubbing my back when I was puking and her supporting me against my father, I’d fallen in love with her.I’d never been in love before, never really seen love in my life, but after last night, I knew without a doubt that I was head over heels for this woman.
I only hoped she felt the same way about me, because now that I had her, I wasn’t going to let her go.It was going to be tricky to make a relationship work given that we lived in two different cities, but I’d never been one to back down from a challenge.
An hour later, I sat side by side with Toni in a semi-dark classroom watching game film with the rest of the team.I didn’t realize that my leg was jiggling until I felt Toni’s hand come down on my thigh, staying the movements.It had always been a nervous habit.
I looked down at her hand, and then at Toni.She leaned in close to whisper in my ear, “Save your energy for the Russians.”
It was good advice.Today was a semifinals game.If we beat the Russians we’d head to the finals, one game away from winning the gold.My lifelong dream.
She kept her hand on my thigh until they brought the lights back up, her presence grounding me in a way I didn’t know I needed.
After some stretching exercises and a light lunch, we headed back to athlete housing for a rest before the big game.When we walked into our room and saw the mattresses on the floor, I was immediately dying for a repeat of last night.But again, Toni read my mind.
“We need to rest our bodies now,” she said, picking up one mattress and dragging it back to the top bunk.“But after we win, I’m going to make you come so hard you’ll forget your own name.”
I helped her slide the second mattress back onto the bunkbed.
