I’m winded by the end of my tirade. My chest feels squeezed and my heartbeats punch uncomfortably against my ribcage. I’ve never raised my voice like this to anyone before.
“You have always deserved better than me. But let me do right by you this one last time, and then I promise to leave you alone forever,” he vows, sounding deeply serious.
“One last time? No. We are done and have been for a very long time. I don’t owe you anything,” I argue.
“You do not ask for help because you want to be strong for others. But you need it right now while your magick is gone. I am here in Monstera Bluff foryou, Ada. You should not deal with this alone,” he counters, emotion thick in his voice.
“I have help. I have my family, Walt and Acton. I have my friends. They help me anytime I ask,” I defend them. It’s ludicrous he thinks no one has done anything for me. That he’s somehow my only savior while I’m downtrodden.
“But how often do you ask? Do they know the extent of what you go through every day? Do they understand what being cut off from your magick feels like?” he points out.
“I ask! And they know it hasn’t been easy,” I counter.
“Then where are they every day? Why did they let you host guests in your home? Why did they let me stay there and not force me out?” He sighs loudly. “They do care about you greatly. I will not argue that. But you need someone who is dedicated to looking out for you every day."
I bark a sardonic laugh. “You think that’ll be you? That barely happened during our relationship. I was never your priority. That improved for a little while after my parents died. But then you abandoned me. Up and left with no explanation!”
That silences him for an instant. A shamed expression crosses his face. “That is the truth. I did those things. If it helps, consider this my penance for all those times I wronged you when I should have taken your feelings into account. It was thoughtless of me. There was no excuse,” he whispers hoarsely.
I shake my head at the nerve of him saying these things to me. Too little too late. “Fire and ashes, I don’t want your penance. This doesn’t absolve you of anything you did in the past. Go to the grave knowing none of this will make me forgive you. You are doing this foryou. Notme.”
“Mayhap, but by the bluest glacier I will make sure your magick is restored, Ada. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life. I know you do not want to hear it, but that is the truth. I will spend the rest of my days making it up to you,” he says somberly.
I roll my eyes. It’s easy for him to say that when there’s nothing between us. When he has no actual responsibility toward me. My answer is simply, “No, you won’t.” I fall silent after that, letting it show the loudness of my anger. He still hasn’t started the automobile, I realize, keeping me stuck here in some half-hearted attempt to force me to talk. I look out the window, away from him.
He sighs, finally breaking the quietude that dangles precariously between us. “I am so sorry for everything I put you through. My behavior as your mate—being inconsiderate of your time and feelings—has no excuse. During these long years, I reflected on my actions. I remember your sadness mayhap even more than your joy. It struck me that I was raised to live in service of my clan. And so, I continued with what I knew,even though Monstera Bluff is not a clan. There were no such expectations placed on me. My obligations are different here and especially so with a mate. I should have recognized that at the time, but I was too naive.”
I shrug. It doesn’t really matter why anymore. We were not teenagers when this happened. He was a grown male aged thirty-two. It was a choice he made.
His breath stutters, overloud in the small space. “When I left, I was convinced that the clan was about to devolve into civil war. That may well have happened from what I saw when I returned. But my biggest regret was not trusting you to understand what was being asked of me. They needed me to lead them after my uncle was severely injured, but they would not have accepted you as an outsider and magick wielder. I should have forced it, made it a condition of my return. Come up with a timeline to hand over leadership when another hunter was ready to accept it.”
Though my eyes are still glued to the window, looking at nothing, I sense his unbreaking stare, the subtle leaning closer as he speaks.
“I wish I was smarter then. I see now that I did not have to listen to the elders and let you go. I should have fought harder and trusted you to choose for yourself. It was going to be complicated. Likely too messy for you to ever agree to. But I should have at least asked. I am so sorry I did not. I will carry that regret forever. To the grave and into the next realm, Ada. It was unforgiveable. I do not even want your forgiveness. I do not deserve it, and nothing I do now will change that. But you deserve to know the truth. It was never your fault. It was me and a series of foolish assumptions and choices I made. Each one compounded your suffering.” His voice wavers, growing thin by the end.
“You should have told me.” My voice sounds hollow. “I would have understood the situation, no matter how difficult it was going to be. Did you ever stop and think that my life as a Mayweather in this town is not much different? The constant expectations? The weight of family history? We would have figured out a way forward together. You would only ever share the bare minimum about your family, your clan. I didn’t need to know everything about your people. Something like this though, I would have grasped exactly how serious it was. It’s like you didn’t even know me. But the past can’t be changed. That ship sailed so long ago it’s out of commission.”
“You are right. I want you to know, now. In case it helps you move on,” he acknowledges.
I shake my head. He thinks the sun rises just for him. “I figured you were from a high-born family since you were sent to the academy. But I had no idea you were a prince of the yeti or some such. And now their king. It shows how little I knew you. How little you trusted me,” I scoff.
“I suppose I am their king in a way, the Huntmaster of the True North. But it must be earned and agreed upon by all the hunters of our clan, it is not a birthright.” He pauses to rub his eyes and sigh miserably. “You did know me, Ada. My uncle being the clan leader at the time was nothing but an accident of birth. One that put me in your path, but otherwise spoke nothing of who I am. It only dictated my obligations. No one has ever known me as well as you. I have never opened up to anyone else like I did to you. Even my family, my brother who is my closest friend, have only seen a part of the real me,” he argues.
“That sounds unhealthy,” I say impudently, trying to mask my emotions. I burn to know more about the clan, but I would never ask. He brushed off any attempts I made in the past. I’ve learned my lesson.
“It is,” he admits. “But no one in my clan has earned that right.”
“You should return to them. It sounds like they need you more than I ever did.” There’s cruelty in my words, but nothing he said has merited me going easy on him. All of it is selfish and self-serving.
“They do not. It was the gravest mistake to ever think so,” he replies fervently.
I hum an acknowledgement, making my annoyance clear. Even if it’s true, there’s no going back on it. He created this situation for us. He can deal with the guilt. Especially since this explanation makes me feel worse in a way. He gave up on us needlessly. I don’t understand it and likely never will.
Finally, Norrell turns the key in the ignition and pulls out to drive us back to my home. My ankle hurts again, and I don’t have anything for it.
“Stop by the clinic first, please,” I ask impassively.
He pulls up in front of the building, following the directions I give him. I step out of the automobile, not bothering to wait for him. Thea happens to come out from the patient area as I step inside.
