‘Has she read it?’
I shake my head, then try to take her hand, light sparking against my watch as I do so. To this day, Andrea has no idea it was my thirtieth gift from Rachel. Thankfully, though, she’s never asked.
But she warns me off trying to touch her with a headshake. Her red hair is wild and loose now, making flames around her face. She takes a step back, folds her arms.
‘I assume you’re aware she still has feelings for you?’
At this, I stiffen. I have sensed coolness occasionally, between Rachel and Andrea since we’ve been together. But I’d assumed that was normal in these situations. Like the standoff I share with Oliver, who will never not be itching toschadenfreudeme, the very first chance he gets.
But Andrea hasn’t ever intimated that she’s been thinking this.
‘Andrea, she doesn’t. She’s with Oliver.’
‘Mmm. He wasn’t there tonight, though, was he, while she was all over you?’
I could respond by saying Rachel’s just tactile, which she is. But that would amount to a shifty attempt to invalidate Andrea’s feelings, and I don’t want to do that. So I try to tell her what I think must be the truth.
‘Rachel always wanted this for me. And she’d had a couple of drinks, and honestly – I think she just forgot herself. But there was nothing in it. I swear.’
Andrea tilts her head. Spots of pink have erupted on her pale cheeks, her green eyes turned almost acidic. ‘You didn’t speak up, though. You’re not the innocent party here, Josh.’
I swallow, chastened. ‘You’re right. I’m sorry. I know how shitty that must have made you feel.’
‘You made a beeline for Rachel before you’d even said hello to me.’
I shake my head. ‘Only because you were talking to Polly, and Rachel was on her own. I didn’t think. I wasn’t thinking, thewhole time. My mind was all over the place. Today’s been pretty nuts. Please, I love you. If I could reverse tonight and do it all over again, I would. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go at all.’
For a couple of moments she just gazes at me. ‘Does it ever occur to you to wonder why you spend so much time regretting the choices you make?’
Touché. But I don’t clap back. She has every right to be annoyed.
Andrea doesn’t say anything else after that. She just walks out of the living room and leaves me standing in the middle of it, feeling elated and completely crushed, all at the same time.
I don’t end up following her to bed. Partly because my phone doesn’t stop buzzing with texts and emails and social media notifications. Offers from foreign publishers have started to land now. Melvin must be ninety per cent caffeine at this point, putting in the shift of his life. He’s probably communicated with me more during the past twelve hours than he has over the course of nearly three decades.
I decide to compose a message to Wilf. I want to tell him my news, even though he never got back in touch, following my visit to Spain. I’ve fallen down a bit of a YouTube rabbit hole of late, watching videos of Wilf crushing his opponents in various poker tournaments. It’s been hard to believe, sometimes, that I’ve had to turn to social media to keep up with what he’s doing, these days.
But in the end I have no idea what to say, really. So I decide to junk my message to him. He might not welcome a cloud-nine update from me when his own career has ended up being poker or nothing. I think I have long known, deep down, that our friendship is over. And maybe it’s time for me to accept it.
64.
Rachel
May 2017
‘Well, poppet,’ Dad says to Emma from his hospital bed. ‘How does it feel to be thirteen?’
Perched next to him, she smiles and shrugs. ‘Same as twelve, actually, Grandad.’
‘I don’t believe that for a minute. You could get a part-time job now. Help your mum out with the bills.’ He throws me a wink.
She scrunches her nose. ‘What? Grandad, I haveschool.’
I laugh as I get out my phone. ‘Right. Shall we have a photo? Birthday selfie?’
Emma lifts up her own phone. ‘Can I go and FaceTime Freya first? There’s no signal in here.’
‘All right. Just don’t wander off too far, okay? This place is a rabbit warren.’
