‘I’ll tell her you dropped by,’ he says, in a voice that suggests the opposite. He starts to close the door, but I stick out a foot.
‘Please. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important.’
‘I really don’t want anything stressing her out right now, Josh.’
I hesitate. ‘Why? Is she okay?’
The smile returns, only this time it is slightly more triumphant. ‘Yeah, she’s great, actually. Sorry – didn’t you know? She’s four months pregnant. We’re expecting a baby.’
For a moment, I physically cannot speak. A hot wash of shock begins to ulcerate its way through my stomach lining.
That was fast, is what I’d say if I could. Although,fastis actually an understatement.The most unlike Rachel thing she’s ever donewould be more accurate.
Because the truth is, I know Lawrence. He is one of those people who has what I’ve always thought of as a riptide personality. An invisible undercurrent, far too easy to misjudge.
The exact opposite, in other words, of the person Rachel is.
But if I ever needed evidence that she has moved on for good, I guess now I have it.
And this, ultimately, is why she left. I know that. So that she could have a future – an entirely normal future – with someone she loves.
‘Congratulations,’ I manage, though my voice sounds a bit like I’ve cracked a rib.
‘Thanks,’ Lawrence replies, then waits, his expression a punchable combination of dismissive and smug.
He is trying to goad me, I realise, with his smirk and self-satisfied stance.
And he very nearly succeeds. It takes everything I have –everything– to contain myself.But I have already dabbled in being the kind of guy who can’t control his emotions, and it’s never as gratifying as I want it to be.
I try to focus, and say what I came here to say, warn him about the burglary. In the end, though, it is too hard, like attempting to be coherent after being run over. So I leave without saying another word.
I drive to Wilf’s place, thoughts zip lining through my head the whole way.
Rachel is pregnant. Rachel is pregnant.
I can’t stop picturing it. Rachel with a bump. The two of them making plans. Decorating a nursery. Buying toys, and books, and sleepsuits. Finding out the sex. Picking names. The hospital bag. The flutters of excitement. The damnjourneyof it all. Everything we dreamed of, talked about, made plans for, for so long.
When I get to Wilf’s flat, I’m prepared to see the whole place swathed in darkness, as it usually is. But tonight, instead, I see something else that makes my stomach turn over.
A sign outside.To Let.
40.
Rachel
May 2004
I have been sketching my way through pregnancy, creating a time capsule of snapshots I can look back on in years to come. Lawrence’s hand on my belly, the first time I felt the baby kick. The cucumbers I couldn’t stop eating whole, as though they were apples. Lawrence assembling the cot. The view from our newly decorated nursery window at night, a felt-moon mobile suspended in the foreground. And Lawrence, captured one evening after coming home from the office, feet up, so absorbed in a baby book he didn’t even notice me get my sketchbook out.
But later that night, when I looked back at the picture, I was horrified to realise I had drawn Josh in Lawrence’s place. It was Josh engrossed in the baby book with his feet up. Josh who was so excited to become a dad, he was reading up on what to expect at every chance he got.
I ripped the picture into tiny pieces and squashed them deep, deep down into the kitchen bin. And then I stood and stared at the closed lid, my body stiff with shock.
Emma Lily Carmichael surprises everyone by making her entrance into the world on a bright Wednesday in May, two weeks ahead of schedule.
Lawrence – unlike his daughter – is late.
He headed out this morning for a full day of meetings, his mobile phone switched to silent. As soon as the contractions kicked in I left messages at the office, but these seemed to be interpreted merely as updates, no action necessary. Hefinally became reachable mid-afternoon, by which point I was incapable of forming full sentences and Polly had to do the bulk of the yelling at him, informing him the baby was nearly here and to get his arse down to the hospital immediately.
