But then she shudders out a breath, retracts her hand.
‘It’s not about him,’ she whispers. Her expression is indignant and guilty all at once. ‘My regrets have only ever been about you.’
73.
Rachel
November 2023
I think about all those things too, Rach
I did want to grow old with you. I just didn’t want to be the only one.
I would never have cared
Bedpans / dementia / incontinence?
Fuck that. A lifetime of loving you.
Emma is home from uni for the weekend, so I take her out to lunch.
As soon as the waiter has set down our drinks, she covers my hand with hers, fixing me with powder-blue eyes. ‘Mum, I need to talk to you.’
Parental panic rises in my throat. Has something happened at Oxford? Does she need money? Is she unhappy, sick, pregnant?
‘What’s wrong?’
‘I thinkyouare. You haven’t been yourself for months. Whenever we talk, you seem sad. You’re not the mum I remember.’
I feel relieved and uneasy all at once. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart.’
‘No, that’s not what... I mean, what’s wrong?’
‘Well, I miss you. It’s hard, being home alone.’
‘But you’re not. Home alone.’
‘No, I mean, obviously I have Oliver. But... I don’t know. It just feels strange without you there.’
‘Mum. It’s really difficult for me to say this to you, but I think I have to.’ Her gaze, suddenly, is stern enough to silence a courtroom.
‘Okay.’
‘I don’t think you love Oliver.’
The clatter of cutlery gets loud in my ears.
‘And I feel terrible saying that because Oliver’s essentially my stepdad and he’s a really good guy, but... you know I’m right. I think you’re less sad about losing me and more sad about the prospect of being by yourself with Oliver.’
I glance over my shoulder, as if Oliver might at this very moment be seated right behind us with an ear trumpet.
‘It’s Josh, isn’t it?’ Emma says gently.
‘What is? No,’ I say nonsensically.
‘Mum. Please be honest with me.’
I hang on to her hand as if she’s four years old again and I’m worried about losing her in a crowd. ‘I moved on from Josh averylong time ago.’
