He raises his head now, swigs back some wine. As our gazes meet again, I try not to think about how much I’m going to miss him.
“It’s still all theoretical at this stage, anyway,” he says. “I’ll have to apply, and there’ll be loads of competition, and—”
“You’ll get it,” I say, already absolutely confident that this is true.
His smile is bashful. “Well, we should talk. About what it would mean, and you know... if you’d want to fly out to join me—at any point along the way?” He phrases this last part like a question.
We’ve discussed Nate a lot over the past six months, ever since Idisclosed to Caleb what happened in Australia. At first, it felt weird to be talking about something I’d kept inside for so long—but at the same time, unexpectedly cathartic. Caleb never avoids the subject, shuts it down, or flinches from it because it’s hard to put into words. He wades right into the middle of it, repeatedly encouraging me to share my feelings, and even—after many weeks of conversation—asking me whether I could ever conceive of taking a trip abroad together. It’s actually started feeling strangely soothing to discuss it lately, to share my dread and sadness with someone whose only goal is to help me overcome it.
Still. My head is responding to his question with a firm no. And yet... I sense my heart flexing with the unfamiliar sensation of temptation.
“Sorry,” he says, when I don’t reply straightaway. “Getting ahead of myself.”
“When would you have to leave?”
“Early December. So even if I got it, we’d have half a year before...”
“It would make me...reallyhappy. To see you go out there and do all that.” Despite my premature sadness, I feel my whole body smile at the thought of it. “I’d be chuffed to bits for you, honestly.”
“But I’d miss you so much,” he whispers. His eyes are glimmering with reflected candlelight.
I brave a smile. “Yeah, but just imagine the reunion.”
He laughs and rubs a hand through his hair. “God, yeah. Imagine that.”
—
So, would you actually consider going out there?” Jools whispers to me, the next morning. She and Nigel have made a rare last-minute trip back to Shoreley for the weekend, and I’m walking with her along the promenade, a few steps behind Caleb and Nigel. It’s just before midday, and after a late start we’re heading to the crab shack for lunch.
“No,” I say. “That would be a bit too long-haul for me. Plus, I feel like it’s something he needs to do by himself. It’s a work thing, you know?”
“But...?” Jools guesses with a smile.
“But maybe... Maybe I’d be up for a short break to Europe sometime. A long weekend. Something like that.”
She slips her arm through mine. “I’m so pleased you told him, Luce. About what happened in Australia.”
I nod as above our heads, seagulls orbit steadily, seeking unsuspecting tourists’ chips to snatch. The tide is high now. Weekenders have filled the promenade and the remaining slice of biscuit-colored shingle, ambling four or six abreast, making an early start on oversized cones of artisan ice cream.
“He’s just so... calm and logical about it all, you know?” I say. “Like, he gets all my pain and heartache, but he also really wants to help me move forward.” I gaze at Caleb’s back as we walk. He’s laughing at something Nigel’s said, gesticulating like he’s doing an impression of someone or something.
“Nigel’s exactly the same,” Jools says. “He’s making it his mission to help me build bridges with the... let’s say, more dysfunctional members of my family.”
“Imagine if I’d moved in with you, Jools, last year. I mean, no offense—but you would never have met Nigel, and I’d probably never have called Caleb back.”
She smiles. “Actually, I think we’d have all found our way to each other eventually.”
I smile back at her. I love that idea. “You reckon?”
“Iknow.” And then she hesitates, like she’s hanging on to the sentiment, not quite wanting to let it go. “Oh, I can’t wait any longer.”
I frown. “Wait for what?”
“Nigel!” Jools calls. He and Caleb turn, and now she’s waving them frantically back toward us with one hand.
“You can’t wait for what?” I say, touching her arm.
Jools ignores me. “Can we tell them now?” she says to Nigel as he and Caleb reach us.
