He lifts his head as I step forward. We hesitate for a moment, faces so close our noses are almost touching. My blood is abuzz. I could measure my heartbeat in kilowatts. And now I’m reaching up on tiptoe to kiss him, and he’s kissing me back—gently at first, like a question, but then fuller and stronger as our mouths lock together. I feel the heat of his hand in my hair, and now we’re drawing even closer, his body warm and firm against me, wet from the shower. I feel him shiver with pleasure and for spoonfuls of seconds I can think of nothing but the taste of him, the wet press of his lips against mine, the sweet corkscrew of his shower-gel scent.
Eventually I pull away and draw breath.
“Sorry,” he murmurs, glancing down at my T-shirt, damp now from his soaked skin.
Outside, it’s started raining, a comforting percussive rhythm against car roofs and paving slabs, the bare bones of the trees.
I smile and bite my lip. “That’s okay.”
“Callie, I—” He opens the door a little wider to let me in. “Can you give me, like, five minutes? Should probably throw some clothes on.”
Suddenly, I feel shy. My heart is racing, piston-fast. “I need to let Murph out anyway. I’ll just go and do that.”
He nods. “I’ll leave the door on the latch.”
24.
Joel
I’m staring myself down in the bathroom mirror, the porthole I smeared into the steam creeping closed already.
I’ve been struggling to gather my breath, as if someone’s pulled a drawstring very tight around my lungs.
I want to stop this, but I can’t. I don’t have it in me to fight it anymore. I like her too much.
I lean over the sink, lower my head. The idea of Callie and me... It feels natural and inescapable. Like the first clear sky of spring. A sapling stretching tall from a forest floor.
And that kiss... well, I’ve already relived it countless times in the space of mere minutes.
But still I feel set adrift. Untethered and unsafe. I think again about the vow I made years ago to protect my heart and sanity.
And what about her heart, her sanity?
I look up, stare at what’s left of my reflection. And now here it comes. The reflex I’ve trained myself into, like compressing a brake in my brain. I think of how little she actually knows about me. Of what her face might do if I told her the full story.
And yet... all the logic in the world still has to counteract that kiss. Which is why, when the buzzer goes as I’m getting dressed, I scramble for it.
Because, despite everything, five minutes without Callie already feels like too long.
I press the intercom. “Hi.”
“Hey, babe.”
My heart dives for cover. “Melissa?”
She laughs. “Joel.”
“What are you—”
“You didn’t seriously forget?”
A shiver passes through me. I rest my forehead against the intercom.Please, please let it not be her birthday.
“Are you going to let me in? It’s pouring out here.”
I shut my eyes.Do I really want to be that guy?“Sorry. Hang on.” I buzz her in, so at least I can explain.
I haven’t seen her since Halloween nearly a month ago. I vaguely remember mention of her birthday as we began to kiss that evening, slipped into our familiar routine. There’s even a chance I might have murmured something about her coming over tonight. This is all my fault.
