Because I’ve guarded against feelings like this for almost an entire decade. And now they’re jumping me without warning, robbing me of my vigilance.
“You’re talking about sex, not a girlfriend,” I say to Doug.
Doug snorts, as if there’s next to no chance of either. “There are tablets you can take, you know. Just buy them online if you’re embarrassed.”
I know he’s referring to my supposed anxiety. But I can’t resist the urge to goad him. “Bit young for the little blue diamonds, aren’t you?”
He goes very still for a moment. Puffs out his chest. “I mean it, Joel, about the holiday. This will be our first time abroad, with the kids. You do anything to mess that up, we’re done. I have to put my family first.”
I swallow and nod, serious now.I just want to keep you all safe.
“Mum’s been gone twenty-two years, mate. It’s time to grow up.” He claps me on the shoulder. Passes me his lit cigarette. Goes back inside.
I stare at the spot of grass where the rabbit hutches used to be. For so many years, this house was alive with animals. Dogs and rabbits, guinea pigs and ducks. But Dad let them all go naturally after Mum died. Andnow the place only really feels animated when there are dinosaurs doing laps of it.
The pain of losing Mum was worse than anything I’ve known. If my own life depended on it, I’m not sure I could go through that again.
I stay where I am for a couple of moments, my stomach a clenched fist of regrets.
11.
Callie
Several weeks on from my eviction and, with the help of Mum and Dad, I’ve finally moved into my new flat. I feel slightly guilty—I’ve got too many belongings really, enough boxes filled with knickknacks to warrant three pairs of hands. But they seem happy to overlook all my clutter. I think they’re privately pleased I asked for their help.
They leave at about six thirty so Mum can make it home for her book club. Then Dad returns a couple of hours later with Murphy in the back of the car.
I meet him out on the darkened street, beneath a sky salted with stars. We thought it best to carry out a clandestine handover, under cover of nightfall.
“Thanks for everything, Dad.”
“No worries, darling.” He passes me Murphy’s lead. “You know we’re more than happy to lend a hand.”
“I feel a bit old for all this, really,” I confess, the cold air making my breath opaque. “It’s like you’re moving me into university digs all over again.”
Dad smiles. “Come on. You’re never too old to need your parents.”
I smile back at him. No matter how ineffectual I think I am, my dad’s always got something reassuring to say.
He tucks me under his arm, pulls me close to the warm wall of hischest. I draw in the familiar coal-tar scent of him, take a second to love him all over again.
“Now, you’re sure you don’t want us to keep the dog for a few days?” he says. “Give you a chance to run it by your neighbor?”
That would be the sensible option, but I can’t relinquish Murphy, even for one night. It’s still hard to look at him, sometimes, without wondering if he’s thinking about where Grace has gone.
Dad reads my expression as he draws away, gently squeezes my shoulder. “All right. But don’t you think you should at least tell your letting agent?”
I look down at Murphy, who blinks back at me like he’d quite fancy getting some shut-eye. “Ian’s not really the sort of person you should be honest with, Dad.”
Dad, man of principle that he is, appears to consider challenging me on this before changing his mind.
“Thanks for the plants,” I tell him again, as he kisses me good-bye.
It was his housewarming gift to me—a winter window box he’d potted up himself with primulas and ferns, a twist of variegated ivy, some heather and cyclamen. “Thought it might improve your view,” he said, as he gave it to me earlier. My eyes beaded with tears as I thanked him, picturing the time he must have spent finding the box, choosing the plants, positioning them just so.
As Dad heads off, I glance at my new neighbor’s front window, but since the blinds are down and everything’s dark, I assume he’s out. I know I won’t be able to keep Murphy a secret for long, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to win him over somehow.
Putting my key to the front-door lock, I realize that, strangely, it doesn’t fit. I stare down at it for a couple of moments before it comes to me. The door to my flat and the communal front door both have Yale locks, and I’ve only brought my flat key outside.
