Once I’ve recovered he asks for details. There are scant few, of course.
“I don’t know how it happens,” I finish by saying. “I got no clues in the dream. And not knowing that...”
“... is the worst part,” Warren surmises.
I agree, describe Callie’s fierce resistance to any intervention.
“What about her dad?”
“What about him?”
“Didn’t you say he was a doctor?”
“Ex. He’s retired now. But I can’t ask him for help.”
“Why not?”
“You’re suggesting I tell him? Everything?”
“Not everything. Just sound him out. You could see if there’s any family medical history that might be relevant. There are ways to frame things.”
“I’m not sure.” Callie’s dad is pretty smart. He does the cryptic crossword every day, for one thing. He’d decipher me in seconds.
“You need to try everything, mate.”
It’s that innocuousmatethat does it, that feels so unexpectedly incendiary.I wish I’d had you, I want to rage.I wish I’d had you to help me through this, all these years.
But I don’t. I just sling my head back and stare at the sky, pinned up above me by a million stars.
“I dreamed Mum died,” I tell him, after a few moments. “I knew shewas going to die from cancer, and I never said anything. It’s the biggest regret of my life.”
“You were just a kid, Joel,” he says softly.
“But the way she looked at me, when she found out...”
“Telling Callie when she’s going to die won’t bring your mum back, Joel.”
“What are you saying?” But I think I know.
“Well, if Callie’s adamant she doesn’t want to find out, then ultimately, you have to respect that.”
“No. I can’t live with knowing. I can’t carry this with me, every day, and still make her happy. It’s not possible.”
A long silence.
“Well, then, maybe you’re no longer the guy to make her happy.”
It feels like a punch, telescopic, all the way from Cornwall. Confirmation of my very worst fears. “That’s not what I wanted to hear.”
He sighs. “I know. But if lip service is what you’re looking for, you dialed the wrong number.”
Furious, I cut off the call.
No, Warren, I think, despite myself.I’m not giving up.
•••
Hours later, I’m dreaming again. It’s just over three years from now, and I’m watching Callie walking along a beach, hand in hand with... oh.
