“Robin. He’s been singing all night.”
“All night?”
I nod. “It’s the streetlamps. He thinks it’s daytime.”
“Seems unfair, somehow. That he doesn’t get any sleep.”
“Neither do you, night owl.”
A moment passes.
“They only live for two years, you know,” I say.
“Who do?”
“Robins.”
He leans forward and kisses me then, and it’s a kiss for all the feelings words can’t cover. He tastes of exhaustion and coffee. As he moves down to my neck, his mouth hot and damp, I am seized by an almost frenzied hunger for him, to show him just how much he means to me, how much I hate to be away from him. And he must be feeling the same way, because our kissing swiftly becomes urgent, our movements frenetic. As our T-shirts come off I tremble at the touch of his hands on my bare skin, and he too seems almost to shake with desire as he eases his hand between us to tug down my underwear. All at once he’s inside me, lowering his eyes to mine, and I take in nothing but this moment, his face, the sound of him gasping my name.
Afterward, as we collapse flushed and unclothed against each other, the whole world draws to a pause. Light is suspended against our skin, and the morning holds its breath.
•••
Over coffee, Joel explains more about Warren and his parents, their heartbreaking history. He reveals that Warren has the same condition, that he’s gone through all the same things Joel has. Tamsin and Doug are only his half siblings, he tells me, Tom having succeeded at keeping the three of them in the dark until now.
I picture visiting Warren in Cornwall in happier circumstances. Perhaps he’d have taught me and Joel to surf. I envisage sea spray and sunshine, salted water rushing rocks, and feel regret ratchet through me.
“That’s so much to take in,” I say, when he’s finished talking, reaching for his hand.
“I can find a way to deal with all that, Callie...”
It’s the other stuff you can’t.“Did you tell Warren what you dreamed about me?”
“No. I couldn’t. I think...”
I wait.
“... it might have broken him.”
“I can understand that. It would break me too.”
He stares down into his lap. “The thing is... after seeing Warren, I can’t stop thinking about my mum. The way she looked at me, when she told us she had cancer.”
“How? How did she look at you?”
“Like she wished I’d told her sooner. It’s the biggest regret of my life, Cal, that I kept it to myself. That I didn’t give her more time to prepare.”
Though my stomach spins with sympathy, my mind is resolute. “You don’t know how it happens with me, though. There’s nothing either of us can do.”
“But I knowwhen—”
“No.” I’ve never felt so certain of anything. Looking over at Joel, I let my eyes traverse the sweet shades of his face. “No suggestions, no clues. I told you I didn’t want to know, and I don’t. I couldn’t live my life if—”
“Callie, please, just—”
“No.Once the words are out there, you can’t take them back. Everything changes forever.”
He nods slowly. “I’m just not sure that I can go through life,” he says, “and not once give you a clue, or something you take to be one.”
