“I hate to tell you, brother, but you’re fucked. You’re in love with this woman.”
“Don’t say that. Those words have been rattling around my head for weeks, and every time I see her, I fight not to blurt them out. I’m not good for her. She called my lifestyle a ‘problem.’ She’s a good girl, Dal. Sweet. Kind. Naïve when it comes to our world.”
“Have you given her a chance to see the lifestyle in a real way? I’m not talking about using her panties to tie her wrists above her head when you fuck her.”
“No. She said she’s vanilla. Her words, not mine.”
“A woman can be kind, sweet, and really fucking headstrong, and still want to be a submissive. Did you ask her if she wanted to learn about it?”
“She said it’s fucked up that I want to control women. Is she wrong?”
“Yes, she is. I’m sorry, Ry, but I’m going to be honest with you. She’s wrong. Why are you forgetting this? You know a submissive has complete control of what she will and won’t allow. It’s a mutual relationship. If this woman can’t give you what you need, and make no mistake, youneedthe lifestyle, then you need to move on.”
“I’m trying.”
“Do you love her? Bear in mind, I already know the answer to this question.”
“I’m in love with Aspen.” It’s the first time I’ve let myself say it out loud. “That’s why I can’t force the lifestyle on her. I’d hate myself for it, and so would she.”
“You’re not giving her a chance. At least present her with the options. Let her decide what she wants for her life.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“It’s all Naddie. She made me get my head out of my ass. I almost lost her because I wanted to shield her from the darker parts of me after my mom died. If I’d lost her… I can’t even think about it.”
“She was already a submissive.”
“What about Pierce? Him and Freya…”
“Freyawantedto be a part of the lifestyle. She came to Venom to learn. That’s completely different from my situation with Aspen.”
“Is it? She knows you’re a Dominant. Haven’t you ever considered that maybe she thinks she could learn to love that part of you? At any point, did she say, ‘Ryder, I want you to stop being a Dominant for me?’ She doesn’t strike me as a woman who is shy about asserting herself. I’d go as far as to say she’s a bit of a ball buster.”
“It never crossed my mind to ask her. I was too busy trying not to be dominant. I failed miserably, but I tried.”
“You have some stuff to figure out, my friend.”
“I know, but she lied to me. I vowed that I would never let a another woman make a fool of me. I found Aspen working as a fucking escort. She was fucking me. Whispering sweet nothings and then letting some rich guy fawn all over her for money. The thought of it makes me so fucking angry I can’t stand it.”
“I have no wisdom for you, Ry. I wouldn’t have been okay if that were Naddie. You sort of muddied the waters, fucking her right after you found out. Bit of a mixed signal, no?”
“It was an angry fuck. You know the kind that makes you want to do nothing but fuck for the rest of your life.”
“Yeah.” He laughs. “Sometimes I just pick a fight with Naddie because she’s feisty as fuck afterward.”
“I want what you have. I’ve always wanted that… a woman to spend my life with, who understands and can love me as a Dominant and a man. I’m scared to want that with her because we were over before we really began. I don’t know how to fix what I’ve broken.”
“Talk to her. Tell her everything you just told me. If you walk away without trying, you’ll always wonder.”
“That’s assuming she’ll even talk to me. The only words we’ve exchanged since that night have been orders in the kitchen. It’s been so fucking painful, wanting to reach out and touch her. Hold her. Beg her forgiveness.”
“Fuck, Ry. You need to talk to her sooner rather than later. If you don’t, you’ll regret it. If she meets some vanilla guy and goes off to live her vanilla life, do you really think that guy could love her more than you?”
“If that’s what she wants.”
“That’s not what I asked. Would he love her more than you do?”
I consider his words for a moment, letting them sit in that hole in my chest. “No. No one could love her more than I do. But I’m a coward.”
