Then I give up. I hate myself for it, but I walk away. I’m ready to fucking drop.
My keys rattle as I get my door open, and I toss them, not caring where they land.
Inside, my place is dark from the blackout curtains. They’re a cruel metaphor for my life stripped of Fallon’s light.
From my pocket, I stare at the pills. “This is strong crap.”
For a moment, I consider taking them all to end this pain. Pain in my head. Pain in my heart.
Fuck, I won’t do that to my family. Or Fallon. I won’t ruin her with selfish guilt. I don’t want to take this pain with me to the other side. I can’t fix anything from there. I take just one more pill and let it drag me down.
If I’m breathing, I have a chance to make Fallon forgive me.
Even if it takes every day for the rest of my life.
When I open my eyes again, the world is night-black, just not darkened by expensive shades. My head is cotton, my mouth dry.
Something shifts in the shadows. Someone is standing over me.
I move on instinct, gun in hand, from under my pillow before I can think. “Don’t move, fucker.”
The shape freezes. Then a sliver of light hits red hair.
Fallon.
“Love! You scared me.” I drop the weapon to the floor.
It clangs on the hardwood, and I consider kicking it under the bed. I’m terrified she’ll pick it up and shoot me. Just like I taught her.
“You betrayed me to your family.” The calm control in her voice scares the hell out of me.
“I know.” My throat burns. “Let me explain, love.”
“Do you really love me?” she asks, her tone cutting and eerily flat. “Your cousin thinks you’re just keeping me quiet.”
“I was,” I admit. “At first.”
Something flickers in her expression. I push on, softer, forcing her to meet my eyes. “But Fallon, you know what I do. I had to protect myself. You saw something awful. I had to know how you were going to react to that. That would challenge anyone’s sanity.”
“Are you even really my boyfriend?”
“No,” I answer, shaking. “I found your journal.”
“You read my journal?” she responds with fire.
“Good, I need that fire. I want it all on the surface, no more going inward.” I reach out and bring her close to me. “I read it because I had to know how I could forget asking you to be mine. Turns out, I didn’t forget. You heard me wrong that day at the tea shop.”
“I did?”
“Aye.”
“None of this was real…” She swallows.
“Not for the two years we didn’t speak,” I breathe. “But Fallon, I was going along with it, long before you saw me kill that man for Ares. I never corrected you. I probably wanted it to be as true as you did. But I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
Somewhere inside, I was living the fantasy as well. Thata sweet, quirky girl could be mine.
I sink to my knees in front of her, pain flaring up my spine. My voice cracks as it pours out of me. “I’m sorry. I’m so bloody sorry for not being honest with you. I should’ve been upfront with you sooner about what I knew, that I checked you out. I didn’t want to risk losing you. Please, forgive me. Please.”
