I try not to flinch, but the pain running through me has nothing to do with my injury, and everything to do with how badly I fucked up. Fuck.
Tennant sighs, bringing my hand to his mouth, and kissing my knuckles gently. “I’m so fucking sorry, Topolino.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t get to apologize. It’s…it wasn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have tried to touch you. Shouldn’t have gotten so close. I?—”
“You were trying to help,” he spits. “As misguided as you were, you were just looking out for me, like you have been from the beginning. I’m the one who fucked up, who let the monster win. I don’t know how you could ever forgive me.”
“I love you,” I tell him simply. “I would die for you. I’ll give myself to you a hundred times over, Ten. You are…my everything. It’s not a hardship to be your outlet…even if that means you take my life.”
He drops my hand, but before I can mourn the loss, he looms over me, his hand slamming down onto the bed near my head as he stares down at me. His blue eyes are hard, cold, and cutting as he watches my face.
“I already have one lover with a fragile hold on life, I don’t need another. I need you to fucking live, Benjamin. Or is thattoo much to ask of you? Are you too selfish to care about how I fucking feel?”
“No!” I try to sit up and whimper as pain shoots through me.
“Fucking idiot,” Tennant mutters. He helps me adjust myself on the bed, so I'm resting more comfortably. “Doc says you'll be in pain for a while. Nothing is damaged, but I managed to nick your kidney, so you bled a lot. He gave you a transfusion, and you're on strict bed rest for at least a week. After that, Dr. Ranlen and Jayden will work with you.”
“Dr. Ranlen’s here?”
Tennant sits back in his chair. “A lot has happened over the last few days. Allesandro and Cristian are both here now—Allesandro got himself shot saving Marcus. So both docs need to be on-site. It eased some of our resources as we're no longer protecting two different fronts, but it's still… fraught.”
I imagine so. Fucking Allesandro. I don't agree with the Council’s decision, even if I understand the emotional aspect of it for all three Bosses. Having them under the same roof as the rest of us though…fuck. That just screams trouble.
“What happened, Baby Mouse?” Tennant asks, his tone smooth and soft, almost conversational.
Fuck. It's the tone he takes when he's shielding himself, or torturing someone. Being on the other side of it…my heart stutters and my mouth goes dry as tears prick the corners of my eyes.
“I felt you slipping away. I knew if you walked out that door, you'd be lost to me. I can't lose you, Ten. I love you too fucking much.”
He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, his gaze boring into mine. “The only way you'll ever lose me, Benjamin, is by not getting over yourself. Voi cinque siete la mia vita. Non sono nulla senza di voi.”
Fucking Italian. More than anything, I wish I could speak the language, and maybe then I would have the words to explain how I feel.
“I…watching Hollis fall apart, not having Lio here with me…knowing I pushed Roman off so many times… I think I understand what it means to have them in my life. I just…don't know how to make it okay. I don't know how you can love us all equally.”
“Fucking hell,” he hisses.
Standing, he begins pacing in front of my bed. “It's not equal, and it doesn't have to be. Emilio said you were turning it into a division problem, and I didn't understand what he meant—Jude is the math genius here, not me. But if you think my love for any of you isequal, this is never going to fucking work.”
My breath hitches.
“You and Hollis…you are the glue that holds me together. You calm the monster—when you're not trying to die by it. Roman…he gets under my skin and reminds me what my job is. He pushes me to be better, so I can protect him at all costs. Jude challenges me. He makes me work for his softness, for his submission, and he doesn't bend to my will. Instead, he gives as good as he gets. Lio…”
Tennant stands at the end of the bed, his eyes shining with so many emotions that I can't catch my breath. “He is so sweet, so loveable. My Little Monster, who is soft at the same time. Between him and Roman, I think I can understand what it means when they say the stupid fucking L word.” He moves to stand at my side, once more leaning over me. “You are so much more than one part of my life, and losing you would kill me. You helped show me how boundless my capacity to open myself up is, Topolino. I can't keep you if you don't want to be here, but I know I will never be the same without you, and I hate it.”
Licking my lips, I look up at him, hoping he sees all the love I have for him in my eyes. “I can't promise it'll ever be easy for me, but losing you would kill me, Nocciola. I…I don't know how to be without you, but I don't know how to be what you need, either.”
“I just need you to be yourself, Baby Mouse. I just need you to trust me and our family. Let them love you. Let them show that you're not alone. I can't force you, but…I will take you out, Benjamin, if you ever fucking threaten what's mine again. Emilio is far too forgiving, but I'd rather cut my own heart out than ever see him hurt.”
A vise wraps itself around my heart and my mouth drops open. I'm in too much pain to get hard, but fuck if the promise of violence doesn't hit me right in the dick.
“I want this,” I tell him. “I want you… I…fuck, I can't promise I won't need help. That I won't need you to claim me, or that my jealousy won't get in the way, but if the choice is between having you or not…you might as well just kill me now if you can't live with meeting me halfway.”
“I will always help you, Topolino, but if you cannot try, or if you try to shove us all into boxes…I cannot save you. Hol doesn’t have the patience like I do.”
The reminder that Hollis will probably give me a…talking to has me wincing. That's the last thing he needs right now with everything he's going through, but I know how protective he is of all his lovers.
“Is this too much, Benjamin? Is this…the end of us?”
