“You tricked me,” I croak.
He points to the water on the bedside table.
Taking a much-needed drink from the bottle, I cap it and stare at Doc. “What happened?”
He doesn't answer for a moment, watching me carefully. “I need you to be honest with me, Hollis. I can't help you if you're not. We have too much other shit going on. We still have Allesandro on suicide watch, though we've eased back a little as he seems to be doing better, and is responding to his medication. I don't want to put the same precautions onto you, but I will.”
Swallowing, I play with the label on the bottle, trying my best to ignore the bandage that's once more covering my arm. Shielding me from my failures.
“It's not weakness, or a mark against you to need help, Hollis,” Doc says softly, as if reading my thoughts. “But I cannot help you if you don't want to help yourself. If…” He takes an audible breath. “Do you want to die?”
I flinch. Slowly, I shake my head.
“Words, Hollis. I need words.”
Licking my dry lips, I meet his concerned eyes. “Not anymore. When I was with Gerald, yes, I wanted it all to end, to just…stop all the bullshit. I was so fucking tired. After the fire… with Roman getting hurt… I felt so fuckinguseless. Do you know what that feels like? To be so fucking helpless when the people you love are hurting?
“I didn't want to die then, I just wanted it all to stop. I…it…hurting myself isn't something I want to do, but…”
“But at your lowest, it was your only option, and now, it's a crutch that promises relief when there's nothing else for you to do to fix the situation.”
I shake my head. “No… I don'twantit to be. You understand? If I'm unstable… unable to take care of my Boys…Fuck!I'll be no better than Allesandro and Cristian if I can't keep myself together.”
Doc leans forward, every movement telegraphed. “I can help you. I’ve already arranged for more meds for you; a lower dosage than what I’ve already given you. We might need to adjust and reassess until we get it right, but wewillget it right. I have a few therapists?—”
“No!”
“This is non-negotiable. You will speak with someone. You want to be better for Lio and Roman? Tennant and Jude? You have to be better for yourself first, Hollis.” He looks down at his hands for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “If Cristian didn't shove my stubborn ass into therapy when we met, I'm not sure I'd be the man Daddy loves. I still have a whole lot of daddy issues when it comes to my parents. Still have nightmares of what those fucks did to me, and now I have them of Soren's father—only in those ones, it's not my life at stake. But…I have Daddy and James. I have years’ worth of therapy, and I have the tools to keep me grounded. We can get you all that, too, Hollis.”
Taking slow, measured breaths, I try not to let the rising panic in me show. But Doc knows, the fucker always does.
“I got you, Hollis.” He walks me through a breathing exercise, and slowly, the panic recedes.
The ever-present anxiety is still there, manifesting in the way my hands shake and I choke on a sob.
“I don’t want it to be this way…” I say softly.
“I know. Let me help you.”
Meeting his calm, sure gaze, I let out another slow breath. “Therapy?”
He grins. “Yep. I’d apologize, but I know how you feel after everything Tennant went through. Honestly, if Cristian didn’t need me as a doctor who was loyal to him and not his uncle, I never would have gone either, but he did need me to not be broken, so here we are. I promise, the people I work with are better and won’t hurt you. Talk to Enzo if you need reassurance, he still talks to the therapist I made him see when he first lost his leg.”
“I hate you, you know that?”
Doc laughs. “I know. That’s fine. I don’t need you to like me, but you will listen to me.”
Sighing, I look down at my bandaged arm. “What’s the damage?”
“Few stitches, but luckily, you didn’t do any damage to the tendon, so it’ll heal up fine. I’d rather not have to sew you up again, though, so…meds, therapy, and talk to me or someone if you need to.”
I nod slowly. “I can’t make promises that it’ll be easy, but…yeah. You’re right. For Emilio and Roman… For Ten. For Jude. This family we’re building…the Council is doing amazing things, and I need to be here for it.”
“Good.”
Needing to change the subject, I ask, “Where’s Tennant? I would have thought he’d insist on being here.”
“I’ve barred anyone except me and my staff from entering. You needed sleep. I know you haven’t been, and I didn’t want anyone to disturb you. Not only that…Ten is a little preoccupied.”
