“Thanks. I can’t help but feel a whole heap of resentment whenever I think about all of it.” Sienna leaned her head against the seat. “You know what? Sometimes I think that if I could go back to 1975, I’d tell myself not to sleep with him.”
“But then you wouldn’t have the kids.”
“I’d still have them. But I should’ve made him leave his wife first,” Sienna answered. “Notmadehim. You can’t make Zane do anything. I should’ve refused to cross that line until his marriage was officially over.”
“And how would that have helped?”
“It would’ve set the ground rules up front.”
“Please don’t tell me you thinkyou’reto blame for Zane’s wandering dick.”
“No, obviously not,” she said, “but this whole thing has made me think about Angela. I’ve been thinking about your question—whether maybe Zane begged her too. I was so stupid to trust he wouldn’t do it to me. She tried to warn me, you know. And I didn’t believe her. Maybe I’m getting what I deserve. Like karma or something.”
“You don’t believe in karma.”
“True, but don’t you think that maybe, if I’d made it clearthat cheating was absolutely unacceptable, he wouldn’t have done it?”
“Not for a second. And that sounds an awful lot like you’re taking the blame, Sienna.”
“It’s nuanced.”
“Is it?”
“Yes.” Sienna’s tone was firm.
“Do you think if you had told him no that night, you still would’ve ended up together?”
“Absolutely.” That was a lie. Deep down she knew if she had turned him down that first night, he would’ve forgotten all about her. But that wasn’t something she could admit, not even to herself. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I can’t go back and change anything. I can only go forward and get through the next few months, no matter what happens.”
“That’s true, but listen, this is good. You’ve realized that when you rush a decision, you end up regretting it. And, maybe Zane spending time with Claudia will be positive. Like a test. Better to find out now if he’s still got feelings for her than to take him back only for him to leave you for her later.”
“Urgh, that’s a possibility I don’t even want to think about,” Sienna answered, glancing at the clock on her dashboard. “Anyway, it’s late. I better get home.”
“All right. I’m glad we got a chance to catch up. Remember, you deserve the world, okay? And before you make any life-altering decisions, call me.”
“You’ll only try to talk me out of them.”
“If they include a future with a serial cheater, then yes, I will absolutely try to talk you out of it. But if you want to talk more about your future life as a more accessible Martha Stewart, expect nothing but cheering.”
Sienna chuckled, feeling much better than when she answered the phone. “Okay, thank you, my friend.”
“Anytime. You’re one of my favorite people. You know that, right?”
“Yes, I do. Back at you.”
“Good night.”
“Night.”
Sienna ended the call, then disposed of the garbage and drove home feeling more optimistic about her future than she had since she’d found out about the baby. She could see an alternate life for herself that included a career she loved, more time with friends, and maybe even a new love someday. Someone who would appreciate her strength as much as her softness. Someone who respected her mind. It would be hard as hell to untangle herself from Zane. Rough for the children, of course. But maybe if a new, more confident version of Sienna showed up in their lives, they’d be better off for it.
Or maybe it would just keep hurting.
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE CONCERT
“I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.” ~ Anonymous
FRIDAY, MARCH 21, 1997
