SEPTEMBER 1, 1996
ZANE
It was the last official weekend of summer. The kids were playing in the pool, as was Billie, the dog (even though the pool guy told them to stop letting her jump in because her fur kept clogging the pump). Zane stood at the barbecue in flip-flops and swim trunks, like a regular dad. He sipped his beer while he turned the hot dogs (including Sienna’s tofu dogs, that looked rather anemic to him), then checked the hamburgers, which weren’t quite ready yet.
Sienna was in and out of the house, bringing the salads, buns, and all the fixings to the patio table where they would eat. She smiled at him, and he gave her a wink, both of them smug about the day they were having. It was one of those rare perfect days where the sky was clear instead of hazy, and the kids got along for once. All five of them were soaking up the last moments of their holiday before school got rolling again, sweeping them up in their routines, sports, and activities.
Zane had been desperately trying to slow time. He wasa man on death row. Waiting for the awful moment that was about to come. It had been over three months since Claudia called with the news that she was pregnant. Since then, he’d been making up for lost time—taking pleasure in all the simple things to enjoy about being married and having children to love. When it popped into his mind, it came with a tsunami of terror. So, he didn’t allow himself to think about it. Only fleeting thoughts. Where would he be next Labor Day? Was there a chance in hell he’d be right here manning the barbecue and anticipating some adult time with his wife after the kids went to bed? Probably not.
The guys in the band hadn’t played together since Mike died. They hadn’t even talked about touring or recording, though they’d seen each other regularly since January. Every time Zane even thought about sitting down at his piano or grabbing his guitar or putting pen to paper to jot down some lyrics, he had a jolt of grief, and he went in search of his wife or one of his children to distract him.
He'd only seen Claudia once since she told him about the baby, to discuss logistics, and he imagined she’d be uncomfortably pregnant by now. He lived in fear that she would show up at the house and tell Sienna everything, but she said she wouldn’t. She would leave things alone until after the paternity test results were in, even though there was no question in her mind that he was the father. So far, Claudia had kept her word, but at any moment, she might snap and undo all his careful work becoming the ultimate family man.
Just as he was turning a tofu dog, his cell phone rang, and her number came up. Zane’s heart dropped to his bare feet. He and Sienna had seenFatal Attractionwhen it first came out, so he knew better than to ignore her calls. Withhis wife back in the house and the sliding door closed, he quietly answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi, can you talk for a minute? It’s about Mike.” She sounded tired and the mention of Mike’s name caused a stabbing feeling in his chest.
“Sure.”
“You know how Mike loved astronomy?”
“Yeah,” he answered, moving one of the burger patties away from a tall flame.
“I have an idea of a way to honor his memory.”
Nearby, Poppy did a cannonball into the pool, making a loud splash. He smiled at his children as if nothing was wrong. “What’s that?”
“I was thinking about a concert out under the stars. Maybe in the desert or somewhere else that’s really dark. There’s that comet in the sky right now, and he actually spotted it first. The night that… everything went to shit between us. He was going to report it and everything. Anyway, I was at my obstetrician’s office, and I read an article about it. Apparently, it’ll be brightest in the sky on Mike’s fiftieth birthday.”
Zane didn’t want to think about her at a doctor’s appointment, and he certainly didn’t want to think about how Mike would’ve been fifty, because that meant he would be turning fifty soon too. Fifty with a newborn. The thought made him want to double over. “Umm… I don’t… I don’t know. That’s a nice idea, for sure, but the logistics would be…”
“Right, yeah, I suppose it would be hard,” she answered, her voice thick with emotion. “I just… miss him, you know? And I miss you.” She quickly added, “Everyone, really. The whole gang. I miss singing. I haven’t sung a note since he…”
“Same.”
“I know.”
“How could you possibly know that?” he asked, looking over his shoulder to make sure Sienna was still inside. She caught his eye and blew him a kiss, and he caught it with a cheesy smile.
“Because I know you. And I know you’re feeling the same guilt I am. The same pain. And I know you’re punishing yourself the same way I am.”
He sighed, which was as good as an admission.
“We’ve got to move past it, Zane. He wouldn’t want you and the guys to give up like this.”
“You sure? Maybe he was leading by example,” he answered, his tone bordering on bitter, which only made him feel worse. “Look, I’m busy right now. I’m barbecuing. The kids are in the pool. I can’t talk about this.”
“Okay, I only want to help you, and I thought maybe this concert would give you a way to get back into the game, since it would be for Mike.” Her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. “You’re a genius, Zane. The world needs you. You can’t hide forever.”
“I’m not hiding. I’m… well, I’m not sure what I’m doing. Anyway, I better go.”
“Think about it, okay?”
“Yup. Take care.”
“Take care.”
He hung up and set the phone down on the table next to the barbecue just as Sienna came outside. She set a pitcher of water on the patio table, then came over and gave him a kiss. “Who was that?” she asked.
