“I know, but you’ve got to understand. That night after the Grammys, it felt like being called to the principal’s office because that’s exactly what he wanted it to feel like. He only calledmein. He didn’t do it at his office. He did it at one in the morning overlooking his swimming pool. And he put the blame squarely on my shoulders. I had to come up with an answer.”
Mike stayed silent long enough for Zane to shift uncomfortably. Then he turned and looked him in the eye. “You know, Zane, I’ve spent the last month thinking about everything, and I keep coming back to the promises we made to each other when this all got started,” he said. “I can’t believe we named ourselves The Vows. Goddamn naïve. All for one and one for all. We were so sure we’d never wind up exactly where we are right now—with one of us trampling the rest to get what he wants.”
“Shit man, we were just kids. We didn’t have the first clue what we were getting ourselves into, and I promise you that’s not what’s happening here. I’m not trampling on?—”
“Is it about the money? Because if you need cash, you can tell me. You know I’ll help you out.”
“Money’s not an issue.”
“Then why?”
Zane listened to the next wave as it rolled to shore. “Did you know my dad was my age when he lost the store?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I don’t want to be like him. A guy who starts out as a success, only to lose it all and wind up working at J.C. Penney, you know?”
“You just said money wasn’t an issue.”
“You know what I mean. You saw what he was like. Miserable. Emasculated.” Sighing, he said, “I can’t let that happen to me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to stay on top.”
“Even if it totally fucks the rest of us and makes you look like some sort of victim. Poor Zane, having to sing subpar songs all these years written by his talentless buddies.”
Zane’s shoulders dropped. “Aw, come on, Mike. That’s not it at all. I’m not that guy. You know me.”
“I thought I did, but honestly, it’s been a long time since that guy showed up…”
Zane turned his gaze to the waves as they rolled and foamed and retreated. “I think maybe I’ve been scared, you know? I spend half my time feeling like a total fraud.”
“That’s the last thing you are. An asshole maybe, but not a fraud.”
“Thanks.” Zane swallowed hard, keeping his gaze on the water. “I love you, man. I love all the guys. Other than Sienna and Ivy, the band is the best thing in my life. And if I could pick any other life with any other group of musicians, I wouldn’t do it.” He turned to Mike. “I’d pick this crazy, wonderful, way-too-wild life with you every time. You’re the brother I never had.”
Mike stared at him, feeling his heart soften, then turn hard again. “If that were true, you wouldn’t want to take this away from me.”
“It’s too late. It already happened, and I can’t undo it now,” Zane told him. He sipped his beer. “But more than that, I don’t want to take it back. I’m not connecting with the stuff you and Russ write the same way I connect when it’s coming from me. And it’s me standing in the center of the stage, my voice that strains and fights to get every syllable out. It’s my energy that makes them scream, my body that’smoving and dancing and making them jump up and down.I’mthe one the audience is feeling, and if I feel what I’m singing, if it’s everywhere in my body—every cell, every muscle, every breath—they feel it too. They do. Andthat’swhat sells out stadiums.” Zane threw up his hand. “I know I sound like some fucking delicate artist here, and I hate that, but I can’t keep pretending it’s not what’s happening inside me.”
Mike knew he was being given a choice—to return to the band under these awful new rules or quit. Quitting would be the death of the life he desperately needed to hold onto, but coming back carried its own pain. He felt the final wisps of innocence within him abandoning him forever while he sat there watching the yellow and orange flames flicker and dance along the driftwood. The last bit of faith he had that his best friend cared about him as much as he cared about himself was now charred bits and ash, soon to be swept up by a gust of wind and carried off down the beach.
But these were the new terms and conditions. A swell of emotions filled his chest, and he lifted his chin to snuff them out like he would a burned down cigarette. He saw Venus sparkling down at him and he sighed. Knowing his voice would give him away, he said nothing. If he spoke, he knew his words would come out wobbly and soft, and he’d feel weak and stupid every time he looked at Zane from then on. And there was no way he could have that. Not on top of everything else.
“I need you, man. I need you up on that stage with me every night. I need you in the studio. I don’t want to do this without you.” Zane polished off his beer, then said, “I don’t expect an answer right now. I’d love one, but I don’t expect one. We’re booked to start recording in two weeks.”
The news felt like the aftershock of an earthquake. Ithad already been decided, and it would happen without him. He could either get on board or watch them leave from the shore. His mind raced, showing him a future without the band. The nothingness of it. The uncertainty. The deep and unyielding loneliness. Glancing at his old friend, he said, “Those songs you’re writing better be fucking magic.”
THIRTEEN WEEKS BEFORE THE CONCERT
“Music is probably the only real magic I have encountered in my life. There's not some trick involved with it. It's pure and it's real. It moves, it heals, it communicates and does all these incredible things.” ~ Tom Petty
DECEMBER 23RD, 1996
CLAUDIA
As soon as Mike was legally confirmed as Elliott’s father, the PR machine was set to maximum speed. Dean contacted a woman named Enid Stall—who handled publicity for Full Moon artists. Enid was a fixer. She not only made problems go away, she also knew how to express-create diamonds out of coal. Enid quickly invaded all aspects of Claudia’s life.She needs to come out of the gate with a new song about Mike. Do you have a song about Mike? You must. You were with him forever and he offed himself. That’s got to make for great material. What? It’s true. Moving on, how fast can you lose the baby weight? At least twenty pounds needs to come off by mid-March. I can hold off thePeoplephoto shoot until then, but it’ll be tight to get it out before the concert. Get her a trainer, a chef, and a nanny. Can you stop breastfeeding by then? Those huge boobs won’t work on a cover.
Enid was evil. But she got results. And Claudia, needing results, went along with all of it. A young nanny named Amélie was imported from France. (Actually, she wasimported from Beverly Hills due to a torrid affair with the father of the children she was caring for. Butthey’dimported her from France in the first place, so it still counted.) Enid said the French angle was very important because rich people love to raise their children to be multilingual and French was a rich-person language.
A jogging stroller was purchased so Claudia could take up running. A former Navy SEAL named Tyrone was hired as her trainer. Tyrone worked with the Oakland Raiders during the off season, and Claudia was filled with dread when she pulled up at the gym for their first session. But it turned out he was nothing like she thought he’d be. He didn’t scream in her face or call her a maggot. Instead, he was quiet and thoughtful and intense. He was willing to meet her where she was at, and, having been raised by a single mother, had a soft spot for new moms who were trying to take on the world. They’d work together Monday through Friday, and no, she shouldn’t stop breastfeeding unless she and the baby were both good with that. Or just her. They were her breasts, after all.
