Nina made a little hmph sound as the pair started down the hall. “I’m going to go out on a limb here—based on what I’ve observed and your question tonight—and suggest that maybe you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.”
“It’s not easy, but then again, you told me it wouldn’t be.” Jess pulled her gloves out of her coat pocket.
“Would it also be safe to assume you don’t have the support you thought you would when you started out on this journey?”
“Yes, it would be. Although any hope that I’d have the full support of my family died fast.” Jess scrambled to add, “But I’m sure they’ll come around.”
“Don’t bet on it,” Nina told her as they reached the front doors of the building. The doors slid open and they walked out into the cold night air. “Listen, Jess. I know you want to be Super Woman, but you’re not. You’re a human, like the rest of us. Trying to be a hero is only going to burn you out. And if you think you’re stressed out now, wait until you actually get into law school. It’s a whole different beast.”
Jess walked along beside her teacher out into the cool night air. She didn’t say anything because she had no idea what to say. The truth was, the harder she pushed, the less she wanted it. That nagging feeling that she had gone down the wrong road followed her everywhere she went now. But how could she possibly wave the white flag? She couldn’t. Not without losing the respect of everyone she knew—including that awful Blaire Pritchard. Why had she made a big show of things to her, of all people? Jess could almost taste the humiliation of admitting defeat.
“I know you won’t want to hear this, but at some point, you may have to decide what you’re willing to give up to make your dream come true. It might be a whole lot more than you bargained for. Best to think about that now because if you’re going to back out, it’s better to do it before you fork over all that cash for law school, or worse, spend three years studying, only to give in at that point. I’ve seen that too.”
Lifting her chin, Jessica said, “I’m not backing out. I want this.”
“Just make sure you want it more than you want to be married. There’s a surprising number of husbands who make it an either-or thing, especially when they’ve gotten used to things a certain way for a long time.”
Jessica opened her mouth to protest. To say Mike would never do that. But the words got caught in her throat. The truth was, he might. After all, hehadbeen used to things a certain way for close to twenty years, and she had flipped the script on him literally in one conversation. And since she started the class, they barely saw each other from Monday night until Friday night, and even when they did see each other, they didn’t have much to say. If things kept going down this path, he very well might pull the pin on their marriage. But the truth was, right then, in that moment, she wasn’t sure if she’d even care. And that thought terrified her.
19
“If you don't know me by now, you will never, never, never know me.”
~ Simply Red
Jess had been on edge since her conversation with Nina the night before. She couldn’t stop wondering if all the moves she’d been making toward her career were actually moves out of her marriage. When she got home that night, Mike was in his den with the door closed, a new habit he’d picked up over the last couple of weeks. He still hadn’t emerged by the time she got into the shower, and by the time she got out, he was already asleep, so they had gone another full day and night without speaking.
It was the day before Thanksgiving, and Aaron closed the office at noon, telling Jess she’d earned the afternoon off to go spend it however she wanted. What she wanted to do was to curl up on the couch with a mug of hot tea and a movie. But she didn’t. Instead, she texted Mike to let him know she had a few extra hours on her hands and would be happy to stop for groceries on the way home from the office. Much to her surprise, he took her up on her offer and sent her the list. He also said he’d canceled his squash game already, because he knew there would be too much for him to do.
At the grocery store, Jess took her time moving through the aisles, carefully selecting the freshest Brussels sprouts and inspecting the romaine lettuce for any signs of wilting. Somehow it felt different to her, doing her Thanksgiving shopping in heels and dress slacks, and not just because her toes were being pinched. It was because she knew she looked like one of those put-together women she used to envy when she’d be hurriedly pushing her cart through the store dressed in yoga pants and trainers. She looked important. She felt important. She was taking a break from her important work at the law firm to prepare a special meal for her family. To the outsider, Jess looked like the sort of woman who was used to having it all. And that feeling caused her to linger a little longer in front of the pumpkin pies and smile graciously at a harried mother who had two grumpy toddlers sitting in the front of her cart. She gestured to her to cut in line in front of her. “Go ahead.”
“Are you sure?”
“Totally. I remember what it was like to shop with two little ones,” she told the woman, then she proceeded to read the covers of all the tabloid magazines while she waited for her turn. Yes, new, improved Jessica was not only well-dressed and relaxed, she was also kind to total strangers.
As she unloaded the groceries, she told herself to use some of that kindness to win back her husband and her children. She would spend the next four days reminding them of all the great things they were as a family. She’d cook their favorite side dishes tomorrow, and on Friday, she’d make a big brunch complete with breakfast sausages for Noah and blueberry muffins drizzled with icing and topped with lemon zest for Winnie. For Mike, it would be stepping up to make sure his Thanksgiving feast was a success. And she wouldn’t complain once about them having to host again. Not one word. Then, after they said goodbye to the last of the guests, she’d tuck her arms around his waist and give him a real kiss, and hopefully one thing would lead to another. But first, she needed to fix things with Diana.
She turned the kettle on and put in her earbuds, then dialed her friend’s number, immediately panicked that Diana would decline her call, or maybe worse, answer it. Jess was still insulted by Diana’s accusation that she was only changing careers because of a man. But they’d been friends their entire lives. She wasn’t about to let that go over a disagreement.
“Hello?” Diana asked, her voice slightly stiff.
“Hi. Did I catch you at a bad time?” Part of Jess hoped she had.
“No, I’m washing up. I just made my sweet potato casserole for tomorrow.” Diana made the best casserole—hers had Garam masala spices which made it extra delicious.
“Yum. How’ve you been?”
“Not bad. You?”
“Busy, but good.”
“Good,” Diana said, but Jess could tell she didn’t mean it.
Letting out a sigh, Jess said, “I’ve been feeling really awful about things between us.”
“Me too,” Diana said, her voice cracking. “I know you’re not about to cheat on Mike. I don’t know why I said that.”
“To be fair, I had just made some shockingly big changes to my entire life, so you had your reasons to worry.”
