He shook his head in disgust, then skulled back the rest of his beer. Setting the can down on the island, he stared at her for an uncomfortably long moment. “This is insane,” he muttered, and Jess knew he meant she was insane and how dare she decide all of this without asking if he’d be okay with it.
He turned and walked out of the kitchen. A few seconds later, she heard him pick up his car keys, which was followed by the sound of the garage door.
Jessica had been in bed for almost an hour by the time Mike finally came home. Too upset to study, she scrolled through Pinterest on her phone. When she heard his footsteps on the stairs, she shut her phone off and placed it on the charger, not sure if she wanted to talk or not. She’d know by the sounds he made when he came in, whether having a conversation was a good idea. His movements around the room were slow and deliberate, as if he was trying to avoid her as well. He disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes, and when he got into bed, silence filled the room for a long time before he said, “Tell me about the lawyer.”
13
“Hope is that little voice you hear whisper ‘maybe’ when it seems the entire world is shouting ‘no!’”
~ Anonymous
“Holy shit,” Rachael said, her eyes wide.
“Yeah, holy shit is right,” Diana added.
The three women were sitting in Rachael’s enormous, sleek kitchen, noshing on appetizers and sipping wine. Her kids were at Ted’s for the week, so they had the place to themselves and could speak freely, curse words and all. Jessica had just filled them in on her new job, quitting her old one, signing up for the LSAT course, and the fallout at home. She let out a shaky breath, feeling slightly shell-shocked, even though she was the one who’d pulled the pin. “Yeah, holy shit. I really did something this time.”
“Yeah, you did,” Diana said, taking a swig of her wine.
“When you were in the collision, how hard did you hit your head?” Rachael asked with a wry smile.
“Harder than I thought apparently,” Jessica said, feeling yet another wave of nausea come over her. It had been happening almost hourly since she’d made her decision.
“And are Mike and the kids still…”
“Furious with me? Oh yes, definitely. Well, Noah couldn’t care less, but Winnie and Mike arepissed.” She looked up at her friends. “You don’t think I’m doing the wrong thing, do you?”
She could tell as soon as the question was out that they both definitely thought she was doing the wrong thing. Diana opened her mouth, then shut it, and chewed on her bottom lip. Rachael, who Jessica thought would be one-hundred-percent ‘go girl’ behind her, tilted her head and said, “The thing is … I mean, it’s wonderful that you want to go back to school after all these years and pursue your passion. Wonderful.”
“Yes, highly commendable,” Diana added.
“Exactly.Of courseyou should be a lawyer if that’s what you’ve always wanted to be.”
“Of course,” Diana said.
“But the timing…” Rachael said. “Seems a bit…” She trailed off and turned to Diana for help.
“Fast. It seems really freaking fast. And to just,” Diana mimed an explosion, “Drop it on them like that, over omelets, ‘Here’s what I’ve decided and it’s already done.’ I’m sorry, Jess, but I’d be super pissed at Victor if he did that. Like, he’d-be-on-the-couch-for-months pissed.”
Jessica felt her hackles go up. “But I had to do it fast or I wouldn’t have done it at all. I’ve thought about this so many times over the years, but I always just brushed it aside, and I really believe that was why I’ve been so unhappy for such a long time.” She looked back and forth between them, hoping to see some sense of understanding in their eyes, but she saw only blank expressions. “And I just couldn’t take another minute of being miserable. I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
Tears filled her eyes and she dabbed at them with a napkin. “Oh God, maybe it was all a mistake and I should try to cancel everything.”
“No,” both women said at the same time. “Don’t go back on it now,” Diana said. “If you’re sure this is what you really want, you can make it work.”
The word ‘if’ stuck in Jessica’s craw. It was as if Diana was doubting that Jess even knew what she wanted. “I do want this, Diana. And you know what? When Mike met me, he knew it’s what my plan was. It should hardly be a surprise for him.”
“Well, come on, Jess. Be fair to the poor guy. You haven’t brought it up in, what? Fifteen years?”
“I’vementionedit over the years,” Jessica said defensively. “But, yeah, I know. It’s been a long time since I was serious about it.” She picked at her spanakopita with her fingernail, peeling off a thin flaky piece to pop in her mouth. “Maybe doing this now was a terrible idea. Maybe I should have held off a little longer rather than hurting my family.”
“You’re nothurtingthem,” Rachael told her, gesturing with her glass of wine. “You’re going out and getting what’s yours. You can’t expect them to be happy about it, but, hey, you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs.”
Nodding, Jess said, “True, yeah.” She looked at Diana for confirmation, but Diana averted her gaze, looking down at her plate instead. “Diana?”
Her friend shrugged. “I don’t know, Jess. Honestly, I don’t think you’ve thought this through. You just jumped in.”
“I know I did, but have you ever had something that just felt so right, like clean through your body? Just so right that you knew you had to do it?”
