He opened one of the desk drawers and pulled out a box of tissues, then set it down in front of Jess, who yanked three out and got to work blotting her eyes and blowing her nose. “Sorry.”
“No need to apologize. Just … take your time.”
Oh, he’d like that, wouldn’t he?Getting paid to sit here and do nothing while I cry? I don’t think so. I’m going to get my money’s worth.“I was going to be a lawyer. I would have been good at it too, although I suppose everyone thinks they’d be a great lawyer. That’s because they think of themselves as Tom Cruise inA Few Good Men, hammering away at Jack Nicholson until he gets him to confess. ‘You’re goddamn right I did!’” she shouted, before blushing and shaking her head. “But not me. I wasn’t interested in the law because of Tom Cruise. I was actually interested inlearningabout the law. I love how orderly the law is—everything is laid out so clearly for people. I took a few classes in my undergrad degree. Perfect scores. My profs said I had an aptitude for it. I scored a 169 on the LSAT. But then we got married and almost immediately I was pregnant with Winnie. I told myself I’d go back when she was in school. Then Noah came along and we started renovating and, I guess we went into survival mode. And now they’re almost grown up and it’s too late for me to go back to school and start over now.”
“So, is that why you came in? Because you want to work in the legal field?”
Jess shook her head. Was this guy not hearing a word she said? “No. Well, I don’t know. It’s a lot more complicated than that, isn’t it? It’s been years of…” She circled the air in front of her chest furiously. “Of … this building sense of being totally lost. I’m forty-six years old and I have no idea who I am or what I’m actually meant to be doing with my life. It’s like I was just twenty-two yesterday and the world was chockful of possibility.” She stared at him, her eyes wild with desperation. “I was special. I was going tobesomebody. I was going to leave my mark on the world. But then I didn’t. Not even a scratch. I relegated myself to a supporting role in everything I do, and suddenly half my life is gone and I have nothing to show for it. I mean, kids and a husband, yes.” With a careless wave of her hand, she added, “Yippy. But what doIhave to show for it? Who am I? What am I doing with the time I have on this planet? I meanreally doing with it, because it feels like a whole lot of busy work that adds up to nothing. And I just can’t stay this way anymore because I don’t know what I’ll do if something doesn’t change soon. Frankly I’m scared that I might do something drastic. I have all these fantasies about living some other life. I write them down in a secret journal. I brought it, if you’d like to see.”
“Umm…no, thank you.”
“You’re right. I should throw it out. It’s not helping. I want you to know I’d never abandon my family, no matter how badly I want to sometimes. My father left us when I was twelve, and I’d never do that to my kids. Ever.” Jessica let out a single sob, then said, “But I just can’t stop thinking about it. And there was the one time that I drove all the way to the Canadian border without thinking about what I was doing. Two hours of just driving in total silence, with no plan, no passport. Nothing. When the border patrol officer asked me what business I had in Canada, I just…burst into tears and said I was running away. Then I told him that I forgot my passport and asked if I could turn around. He was so nice about it. Very … Canadian. He even offered me a breath mint. I made it back in time for after school pick-up.” Her shoulders dropped and she sighed with relief. “God, it feels good to finally tell someone about it. I’ve been carrying that with me for over three years now.” Her voice cracked and went up two octaves. “What kind of mother wants to run away from her babies? A terrible one. And I refuse to be a bad mother. That’s why I’m here. I need to stop wanting to escape because I’m really scared I might just do it. So I was hoping you’d tell me how to get myself back on track and I’ll be happy again.”
He set his pen down and tilted his head. “Why would you thinkI’dknow?”
His words weren’t unkind. Merely confused. Which was utterly irritating to Jess, who her entire life had looked after everyone else. The one time she had the guts to ask—no,beg—someone for help. Someone who should have the answers. A professional. And he asked her why he should know? Because he was the damn therapist!
Leveling him with a glare, Jess said, “Okay, yeah, I get it. You’re not here to tell me what to do. You’re here to help me figure it out for myself. I wasn’t expecting you to get snippy about it.”
She immediately felt bad for suggesting he had been snippy. She opened her mouth to say as much, but he beat her to the punch. “When you got your job at the paint-your-own-pottery place, did you have a job interview?”
Jessica’s head snapped back. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“It’s just that you don’t seem to understand how to conduct yourself in a job interview.”
“Of course I do.”
“No, you really don’t. You’ve spent the last twenty minutes in some sort of free flow of every thought that’s ever entered your head. You asked about my marital status, you’vewayovershared about your personal life. And you’re crying. That’s not normal interview behavior. You didn’t even bother to bring in a resume. I honestly don’t know how you can expect to get hired at this point.”
“Hired for what?” she asked, blowing her nose again.
“The assistant position.”
“I don’t want to be an assistant.”
“Then why did you apply?” he asked, raising his voice a little.
“I didn’t. I’m here for therapy.”
He stared at her for a second, then said, “I’m not a therapist.”
“You’re not Dr. Harris?”
“No, he’s next door. My name is Aaron Fillion. I’m an attorney.”
Oh shit.She swallowed, then held up one finger. “Hang on.” Pulling her phone out of her handbag, she opened her calendar and checked the address on the appointment. It was 106 after all. “I’m meant to be one office over.”
She had missed the appointment with Dr. Harris.If you can’t provide at least twenty-four hours’ notice, you will be charged the entire fee for your appointment.Tears filled her eyes again. “Oh, God,” she whispered. Two-hundred dollars down the drain. Mike would never understand how she could have been so stupid. Humiliation flooded her veins, heating her entire body with one swift beat of her heart. She stood quickly, grabbed her coat off the chair, and picked up her bag. “I’m so sorry.Sosorry.”
She started for the outer office, banging into the door jamb with her shoulder before managing to exit the stuffy room.
“Wait a second,” Aaron said.
“Please forget I was ever here,” she said, desperately trying to find the arm hole of her coat. But so far, it was not happening. Somehow, her coat was now upside-down, the contents of her pockets spilling on the hardwood floor—some loose change, a wadded-up tissue, and her emergency tampon. She crouched quickly, hoping he hadn’t seen any of it (especially the tampon), and scooped everything up with one hand, her other one holding her coat and purse. Standing, she realized she would have to put something down. “I’ve never done something like this before. You must think I’m the world’s biggest horse’s ass.”
He lifted the jacket out of her hands and straightened it for her. “No, I don’t.”
“Or completely insane, then,” Jessica said, jamming her things back into the pockets. She took the coat from his hand, daring to look up at him. She expected him to laugh at her. To chide her.
