He sounded hopeful, and Jess knew what he was hoping for. But the last thing she felt like doing was having sex. “I’m too upset to sleep.”
The bed dipped as he got in. He rolled onto his side, facing her. “It was a rough evening, but we can still end it on a good note,” he told her, nuzzling her neck.
“I’m sorry. I’m just too tense tonight,” she said, dropping a chaste kiss on his cheek.
Mike let out a sigh and rolled onto his back. “Okay, good night then.”
He was disappointed. She knew it. If she asked, he’d say he wasn’t, but that being rejected wasn’t super high on his list of favorite experiences. So, she wasn’t going to ask. They lay in a tense silence for a minute before he picked up his phone and started scrolling. Jess felt equally irritated and guilty. How could he possibly want to have sex after the evening they’d just had? But also, why didn’t she ever want to have sex anymore? He never complained, but she knew it must be hard on him.
“Mike? I feel like something is wrong with me.”
It took him a few seconds to answer, but when he finally did, he sounded scared. “What do you mean? Like health-wise?”
“Yeah, sort of. Not like some symptoms of anything scary like I found a lump or something,” she said to let him off the hook. “But… I don’t know… I just don’t feel like myself. I know it’s got to be hard on you. I’m never in the mood. I just want you to know it’s not because of you. You’re still very attractive. It’s just … me.”
“Well, that’s nice to hear. I’ve been wondering if maybe I should start hitting the gym.” He was joking, but he also wasn’t joking. Mike wasn’t exactly the sinewy rower Jess had fallen in love with. He had a little more meat on his bones these days, but somehow it suited him, as did the flecks of gray hair and the crow’s feet. Men could get away with that stuff. The bastards.
“No need to hit the gym,” Jess told him. “You’re perfect the way you are. There’s just something off with me.”
“Nobody raising teenagers is happy,” he said. “They’re terrible human beings.”
She chuckled, even though deep down she knew that wasn’t it. “Good point.”
“The trick is to keep telling yourself they will grow up and move out,” he said. “And as to the sex thing, don’t worry about it. I think it’s natural for that to slow down as people get older. Would I like to have more sex? Yes, but only if you’re completely into it. I don’t want you doing it out of some weird sense of obligation. I would hate that.”
And there it was. It was all so simple for him. He didn’t overthink things. He accepted the way things were and made the best of it. Jess sometimes felt a searing sense of jealousy about his ability to do that. But tonight, she loved that about her husband. It was comforting to know that maybe it could be simple. “So, I’m not beholden to my wifely duties as far as you’re concerned?” Jess asked with a laugh.
“Not at all,” he said, giving her a kiss on the lips. “Just know I’m here whenever you feel like it.”
Jess kissed him back, letting her lips linger a little longer this time.
“And I mean whenever.”
Suddenly, Jess craved that connection with him. She wanted the release of it. And so she took him up on his offer, and when it was over, she was calm and relaxed and happy she had done it, even if it was now well after midnight and she’d be a little extra tired tomorrow.
They would be okay. The official ‘they,’ as a couple. They’d get through the next few years, then before she knew it, they’d retire and start puttering around the yard together, do some traveling, and pick up some new hobbies. But somehow, the thought of all of that filled her with dread instead of contentment. And the dread terrified her. Because deep down, she knew she was going to do something to screw up their perfectly average, good life. And that was the last thing she wanted to do…
* * *
Secret Journal Entry
October 7th
I’m on safari in Zimbabwe, wearing a pith helmet, but one of the glamorous ones with the netting over your face and neck, like in a 1950s movie. I’m in the back of a self-driving Jeep, my camera poised for the perfect shot. I’m an award-winning wildlife photographer, who never settled down and never will. The Jeep slows near a small herd of elephants that are playing and drinking in a crystal-clear blue lake. The elephants know and love me. I get out of the Jeep and wave hello while the matriarch lumbers over. She hugs me with her trunk, then lifts me onto her back so I can join in the fun. These pictures will earn me enough to keep my private wildlife refuge going for another few years.
We frolic together until the sun starts to go down, then she carries me back to the jeep. I sit back and relax while I’m taken home to my luxurious lodge where I’ll shower outside, then eat the supper that will be waiting for me. Freedom. Sweet, sweet freedom.
5
"Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
~ Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias
Jessica circled the parking lot for the third time, growing increasingly annoyed. Why had she stopped to put the whites in the dryer? Why? She knew well enough that if she got to the restaurant after eleven, she would never find a spot, and yet, she decided to sneak it in, as if time would magically reverse during the drive. Truth be told, she was still a simmering rage ball due to her conversation, or as she thought of it, her lecture by Betty. No matter how hard she tried to shut out her words.Get out there and live. Before it’s too late.
Well, here she was living, and so far, she wasn’t having fun. She drove past Diana’s Mercedes again, and Rachael’s Tesla. Her two smart friends must have given themselves plenty of time to get here. They were probably seated at a table by now, sipping mimosas while Jessica signaled to exit the lot. She was going to have to park down the street at Trader Joe’s and hope no one noticed her walking away from the store. She’d be missing all the good gossip because the best stuff comes out right at the beginning. The ‘I’ve been bursting to tell you for weeks’ stuff. Sure, her friends would bring her up to speed, but it never had the same energy or detail the second time around.
She parked in the corner farthest from the store and closest to the restaurant, then hightailed it down the sidewalk, realizing she’d overdressed today. The sun was out and the air was warm, as if it were the end of July, not the beginning of October. By the time the doors slid open to let her into Ambrosia’s, her skin was damp with sweat. Ambrosia’s wastheplace for brunch in Union Hill. Jessica had always thought it was a restaurant that took itself too seriously, as if it thought it was in mid-town Manhattan and would be filled with celebs and influencers instead of seniors and stay-at-home moms needing a fuckinbreak. Oh brother, here she was in a bad mood now when she was supposed to be having fun. Jessica gave herself a quick talking-to in her mind.Buck up. You’ve been looking forward to this for weeks. Enjoy every second of it, even if you are getting recycled gossip.
