Jess
Jessica lay in bed watching a Kira Popowich video while Mike showered. It had been a generally rotten day, starting with a call from the doctor’s office that she was completely healthy. Apparently all her numbers were within ‘normal range,’ which meant Dr. Kildorf’s crappy theory about her misery being just a result of ‘her life’ was backed by science. Jess had pressed the issue, asking him if they should really just be striving for normal when they could be striving for optimal, but he wasn’t about to entertain that idea. He told her he was in the business of helping sick people and couldn’t find a medical cure for something without a medical cause.
Then she got a text from Winnie that she’d forgotten to bring her gym shoes and would get detention if Jess couldn’t bring them in right away, since it was the third time this year. After Jess got home from the school, she got a text from Rachael that she couldn’t make it to their girls’ night out tonight, and could they make it brunch on Sunday instead. Jessica wrote back, “Of course,” with a little smiley face emoji, even though she really needed an evening away from her family that night.
The evening had brought with it a big blowout between herself, Mike, and Noah, which had gone on until nearly eleven-thirty, and ended with Noah going off to bed, trying to hide his tears. His English teacher had sent an email informing them that Noah had clearly used AI to write his essay onLord of the Flies. Using true teenage logic, Noah decided not to apologize. Instead, he shrugged and told them he was working smarter, not harder.
This had led to a lecture (given by Jess) about responsibility, during which she’d listed as many of his age-related shortcomings as her brain could muster up in the moment: from his messy room to how he left his backpack in the middle of the hall for everyone to trip over to him ‘forgetting’ when it was his turn to take Baxter out after school every damn day. Mike had chimed in with the fact that he had a job by the time he was Noah’s age, and he played football as well. He had beendoingsomething with his life, not just sitting around playing video games and being too lazy to do his own homework. It ended with Noah screaming that he couldn’t wait to be out of their house, and Mike yelling back that it couldn’t happen soon enough. Noah’s head snapped back, angry tears filled his eyes, and he had stalked to his bedroom, just barely managing not to slam the door. Winnie, whose room was next to Noah’s, opened her door, her sage green satin eye mask resting on her forehead. “Could you guys seriously keep it down? I have one of the most important tests of my entire life tomorrow morning and I need to sleep!”
“Yep, we’re done,” Jessica told her.
“Honestly, you have no idea what it’s like to be under this kind of pressure. Do you know how hard it is to get into Stanford?”
“Yes, you’ve told us,” Jess answered. “And may I remind you there are other schools.”
“Oh my God, you’re not seriously going to try to talk me out of Stanford right now, are you? When all I need is some quiet so I can get some sleep!”
“No, we’re not,” Mike told her calmly. “All is quiet on the western front. You can get all the sleep you need.”
Winnie scowled at him. “This isn’t a joke, Dad. My future’s at stake.”
Sighing, Mike said, “Winnie, this may surprise you, but your mom and I went to high school too.”
“It wasdifferentback then. It didn’t matter what kind of grades you got. You were going to be able to find a job that paid enough so you could buy a house.” Winnie’s angelic face twisted up and turned red with anger, and to Jess, she looked like she was her four-year-old self again, even though she was technically all grown up. That expression on her face was the exact same one she had always gotten when she couldn’t admit how scared she was.
Jess was torn between wanting to point out that when she graduated from college, there was a recession happening, and wanting to drop a kiss on her daughter’s forehead and tell her everything would be all right. But that wasn’t a promise she could keep. Besides, she knew that wasn’t what Winnie wanted, so she just gestured with her palms out for her daughter to calm down. “We’re all going to bed. Things’ll feel better in the morning.”
“No, they won’t,” Winnie told her. “Noah will still be an idiot in the morning, and my generation will still be totally fucked.”
“Language, Winnie,” Mike said at the same time that Jess told her, “You’ll be fine. You’re smart and you know how to work hard.”
“That may be, Mom, but it probably won’t make any difference. Not with the way things are going.”
“Giving up certainly won’t help anything,” Mike said.
“I’m not giving up. I’m working my ass off every day,” Winnie spat out. “But I have to be realistic. That’s going to be just enough to survive. Not enough to get ahead like you guys could.”
What could they say to that? She wasn’t wrong. Jess sighed. “Let’s all get some sleep.”
But Jessica couldn’t sleep. She was beyond exhausted and knew that she should shut off her phone and close her eyes, but she also knew if she tried now, she’d only end up replaying the awful evening they’d had, wishing she could start the day over again and redo all the things that had led to the massive blowout. Actually, now that she thought about it, she’d probably have to go back to the beginning of parenting her children and start there.
But it wasn’t just the bad day that had her feeling so tense. If she were really honest with herself, she’d admit that her conversation with Betty was equally responsible. Why couldn’t she just get it out of her mind? Betty was just some stranger who needed to learn to mind her own business. She should just shake it off already. She was in no position to go out and get herself a big, juicy life. Not with her million obligations, two children intent on kicking up a fuss every damn day, and a husband who needed her to keep it all together.
Her life was just one big obligation. Take the grad parents fundraising team (which she had signed up for) for instance. For some stupid reason, she’d agreed to help out with the upcoming dog wash fundraiser for Winnie’s class. Blech, an entire day smelling wet dog. Why did the parents’ group decide on a dog wash? That was quite possibly the worst way to raise money she could think of. But instead of saying that out loud during the meeting, she had smiled and nodded like a half-wit. She wouldn’t sign up for the grad fundraising team when it was Noah’s turn. No way. Being bossed around by the likes of Blaire Pritchard, who was always saying howamazingit would be to have ‘so much free time on her hands’ like Jess did. Blaire was an accounts manager for an IT support company (big freaking deal). She worked full-time and could just ‘barely manage’ to be the president of the PTA (i.e., show up once a month to boss everyone around, then disappear back to her real life and pat herself on the back for being such an important member of the community).
Oh, the thought of running away was tempting tonight. So very tempting. She’d never do it of course. But there were moments when she dearly wanted to be free of any and all obligations.
But since she hadn’t said no to the dog wash and she couldn’t go back in time and fix every parenting error she’d ever made, she stared at the small screen while a sun-kissed Kira walked along the beach in a flowy boho skirt and a fitted tank top that showed off her sculpted arms. She smiled at the camera as she told her viewers how her life had really changed when she learned to let go of any resentment. “Like,allof it. I no longer take anything personally, which means I accept that what other people do is aboutthem, not me. I also have firm boundaries in place with everyone in my life. I parted ways with those who didn’t want to accept those boundaries, which was difficult, but vital. You can’t be a whole person when you don’t have firm boundaries, ladies. This is key. If you’re going to be happy, you need to take the three magic steps to setting boundaries.” Kira started counting on her fingers. “A) know what you want out of life, b) communicate your needs to others, and c) stay firm.
“If you do this, you’ll never feel resentful in the first place. Because people aren’t walking all over you. They respect you. And once you have that respect…” She held up one hand and made a chef’s kiss gesture. “Perfection. I’m going to post videos on each of the three magic steps to setting boundaries, so make sure you hit the subscribe button because you won’t want to miss—”
Jess shut off the video and imagined a life where she would walk on a SoCal beach with the breeze causing her hair to move like a model’s in a photo shoot. Whenever someone had snapped a picture of Jessica in the wind, her hair was always plastered to the side of her head like it had been glued in place by a toddler. No, that part of Kira’s life wasn’t for her, but maybe the part about the boundaries. Gratitude and good boundaries. Maybe that was the secret to the good life. Rachael was wrong about Kira. Kiragot it. She knew what it was like to be Jess (even though she was single and didn’t have children).
Forget Betty. Jess would listen to Kira. The world had changed in the thirty years since Betty was where Jess was. Women had changed too. She’d watch the magic steps videos and her life would transform into what she knew it could be.
Step one: know what you want in the first place. She was stuck right there because so many of the things she wanted were in conflict with each other. Being a nurturing, wonderful mom didn’t necessarily fit well with being a free-spirited fun-seeker. One of the things that all the parenting magazines had hammered into her head when she was a new mother was the importance of routine, consistency, and your child knowing you were always one-hundred percent there for her. One couldn’t provide that kind of all-encompassing structure children (even teenagers) craved while also taking spontaneous trips to Paris on the weekend.
Mike came out of the bathroom and glanced over at her, his face lit up by his phone. “You’re still up? I figured you’d be out already.”
