He turns off the shower. I whisper, “We’ll be together soon enough.”
I step back, slip out of the bedroom, and head back home. I need to make him mine, and soon. I don’t want to kill anyone I don’t have to, but when it comes to him, I will kill them all.
I slip back home. I’ve been gone long enough, and Xav will start to worry if I’m out too late. As I push back into the apartment, Xav sits and waits for me.
“You okay?”
I nod and take a seat at the table.
“Do you like her?”
“What?”
“Shelley? Do you like her?”
“Yeah, she’s okay, why?”
“Just okay?”
“Vic, what’s wrong?”
“Do you think we deserve to be happy?” I shake my head. “I mean, I know we’re questionable people, but do you think we deserve to be happy?”
“Yeah, we do.”
“Do you think you could be happy with Shelley?”
“I mean, she’s a mark. She’s a job.”
“Xav… be honest with yourself, even if not with me.”
“I don’t know, Vic. I don’t allow myself to think about it, ya know? It’s only gonna end in misery, so what’s the point?”
“Would you give it a try, with Shelley, I mean?”
He sighs and grumbles. “What are you really asking Vic?”
I sigh and sit straighter. “I’ve met someone, Xav. I really like him, and I want to know if, in any reality, I deserve to be happy. Will I get to be with someone, in a real relationship, in the real world, not the fucked-up world we live in, but out there in the real one where Father’s gone, The Collective doesn’t exist, and we don’t die or end up in jail?”
“Maybe?”
Ihuff out a breath. “Maybe.” I rise from the chair and leave. I mean, what else is there to say?
I wake up and slip out of Xav’s grasp. He’s dead to the world, so I grab my stuff and head out, leaving him a note. Today's the day I reach out to Jacob. It’s now or never.
I wait around for him to leave, and I slip into his place. I need to find out more. I need to embed myself into his life. I need him to need me, to want me. But most of all, I just want him to like me. I make my way through his place. I search everything for a hint of his likes anddislikes. I find that he has an old vinyl jazz collection, but I won’t hold it against him as, to me, jazz sounds like someone threw all the instruments in a washing machine.
I look over his bookshelves. He has a lot of crime novels. I’m more of a ‘dark romance’ girl. I want that kind of love, the kind my favourite authors write about, the touch-her-and-die, fuck-around-and-find-out type of love. But most of all, I just want to be loved. I just want something that’s mine,someonewho’s mine. I’m lonely, I’m tired of this life, and I want to build something with Jacob. I pull out my phone and place an order. I see he’s missing two of a series, and I order them to come separately, adding a note.
Forever yours.
Eternally mine.
Always and forever,
V x
I do some research on the vinyl and order two of them too. I trawl his cupboards and take note of things I think he’ll like, and then I add the same note. I leave feeling happy with myself and a weight lifted. I head to the uni and watch and wait for him, and when I see him, the nerves flutter to the top, and the butterflies kick in. I thought things like that only happened in movies, where the nice girl gets the guy, but maybe I can be the nice girl. Maybe I can be a wife, a mother, a partner. Maybe I can be better.
