“I can too!” She pouts at her dad, “I’m learning!”
“Maybe one day,” I placate her.
“No, right now!”
Beside her, Roman chuckles, “Your daughter wants to swim,brother.”
“If Rosie can go, can I too?” Caleb pipes up. “I can swim, dad. Can I go?”
Silas groans and slumps in his chair, shaking his head in defeat.
I eat the rest of my food quietly, simply observing the Knight family. Roman barely talks now, but when his niece speaks to him, it’s like he’s a different man entirely. He’s softer, kinder, and it isn’t hard to see he has a lot of love for his family, which I can respect. My father was my only family; losing him felt like I lost a part of myself, and even now, I find myself talking to him, knowing I won’t hear his voice but hoping I do. I kept paying his phone bill for months after he passed, just so I could call it and listen to his voicemail, but after the debts got too much and the repayments were taking every cent I had, I had to stop and cancel the contract.
Grief is a funny thing. Some days it’s easy, but then it creeps up on you, knocks you on your ass and reminds you that the loss has left a fracture inside your soul, one you’re not sure will ever be fixed.
My biggest fear is forgetting what his voice sounds like or how the creases at the edges of his eyes deepened every time he smiled. It’s the little things, the smell of his cologne, the way he rapped his knuckles on the table three times before standing up. What if I forget it all?
Once dinner is finished, I help clean up but then I sneak away when the guys are trying to settle the kids enough for Silas to take them home. Rosie is still bouncing off the walls, so I know they’re going to be in for a long night. I can still hear them once I’ve shut myself in my bedroom, heading straight through to the private bathroom where a huge clawfoot tub is waiting. The room is already stocked with everything I could possibly need, but I’ve added all my favorites anyway, mixing them in with the expensive soaps and bubble baths on the shelves.
I turn on the faucet and leave the bath to run while I pad back to my bag. The moon sits above the mountains, not quite full but close, and the silverly light reflects off the craggy edges. It’s peaceful, quiet, like nothing can touch us here.
Pulling out some flannel pants and a cropped tee, I lay them all on the bed ready for when I get out of the bath. The prospect of sinking into the tub is enough to have a little burst of excitement bubble up in my stomach. It’s been years since I’ve been anywhere near a tub. There was no space back at the studio to have one installed, and I rarely leave town to stay in a hotel or anywhere else for that matter.
Stripping off my clothes, I leave them in a pile on the floor and move toward the steam billowing out of the bathroom door, scented like lavender and honey, and release a breath. I don’t know how to take tonight, how normal it all was, how easy it was to sit in that room with Roman and his brother. I didn’t hate it when I thought I would.
I spend so much time alone, even when I’m surrounded by people, and I like that. My own company is all that I have ever needed, but tonight had reminded me just how lonely that life has become.
I can’t get too comfortable with this whole setup, not when it’s temporary, but I can allow myself to enjoy it while it lasts.
Chapter 10
It’s just after four in the morning when I head out to start work for the day. We are coming into calving season and with only a few weeks left before our first lot of heifers are due; I need to get the maternity barn ready, and the cows moved so I can then drive the rest up to the pastures in the mountains. I need to give the fields a break so they can grow back fresh and ready for when the new arrivals are here.
I’m always the first to start the day in this place, as it should be. I’ve become so accustomed to the early mornings, I no longer sleep past four, my body just can’t do it, even if I get to bed late like last night. I’d been too wired after having Niamh at the table, how she had watched with a softness to her I’ve never seen. She was sweet with Rosie, patient with Caleb and entertained Silas’s ridiculous need to stir the metaphorical pot. The dimples had even appeared as she giggledat one of Rosie’s feral antics, but they still weren’t directed at me, and I can feel it becoming a need.
Make Niamh smilefor me.
I can only imagine what it would feel like to see those dimples aimed in my direction, but it doesn’t help that I want to touch them. Feel them.Taste them.
No.
Nope.
That’s not what I want.
The floodlights illuminate as I step beneath the sensors, making my way toward the barn closest to the house. There’s not much more left to do, and if I can get it finished in the next few hours, it means I can start working out the logistics of the drive.
I’m just about to head inside when I hear movement behind me. It’s far too early for any of the morning shift to start and too late for the night shift to be out. There’s about an hour or two between the two shifts, so I wasn’t expecting anyone to be out this early.
Looking over my shoulder, I watch Niamh sneak out, her swimming bag in tow. She moves slowly, quietly, as if trying to get out without being detected. Clearly, she hadn’t heard me get up or leave.
Niamh creeps as she goes, avoiding detection from the floodlights, but I see her as she moves between the few cars parked in front of the house. She makes it to the fence and then starts to walk more freely. She’s just about to slip away when I step away from the barn and activate the light.
“Where are you going?” I know where she is going, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her go into those woods alone. Here at the house, we are safe. We havethe working dogs and plenty of people to keep predators away, but out in the woods is too dangerous when darkness still keeps the ranch in its grasp.
She shrieks, dropping her bag as she spins on me, clutching her chest.
“Roman,” She hisses, “What the fuck!?”
