I glance down at her, seeing her face turned up the mountain, where the sky is the bluest it can be, and birds soar overhead.
“Why can’t you?” I ask.
A sad smile touches her lips. “It was never in the cards for me to live a peaceful life.”
“Everyone deserves a little peace, darlin’.”
“Not everyone,” She crouches to the river and dips her hands into the cool water, her lashes falling onto the slightly pink apples of her cheeks, “I think the idea is romantic but living it would be different.”
I remain quiet as I think about what it would be like too. To just disappear, live wild and free with no responsibilities, no people depending on you to pay their salaries or provide a roof over their heads, no animals that trust you to keep them safe and healthy. No debts or grief. But in every image, I see her. I see her in my house, in my bed, in my kitchen and office. I see her laughing with the guys and being soft with the one horse I didn’t think would ever love again.
The horizon had always been bleak, a wasteland I couldn’t avoid, but now… the shape of her cuts the wasteland in two.
Leaving her at the river with Apollo and Honey, I head to the herd and the other guys on the drive with us, checking over the herd as I go. When everyone confirms they’ve rested enough, had enough water and can continue, I go back to Elena, pushing those thoughts of a future that’ll never happen for us away.
“Fill your bottle, we’ve got to move on.” My tone is flat, and when she turns to look at me, a question on her lips, I avert my eyes.
“Knox?”
“Let’s go.”
I take Honey away and wait for Elena to catch up, knowing she’ll need a hand.
Another thing I need to pretend doesn’t affect me. Little does she know the feel of her is a brand on my skin, as deeply burned into me as the scarring flesh on her thigh I put there with my steel branding iron.
Both she and Apollo stop at my side, and though I see the questions burning through her, she doesn’t voice them and simply accepts my hand to get her onto the back of the horse.
As much as it tempts me to slip into her Eden, to take what I crave so badly, that bleak horizon is only one slip-up away.
CHAPTER 21
You know what’s a real bitch?
Reflection.
I don’t want to think about all the shitty things I’ve done, and I certainly don’t want to feel guilty about them. There aren’t many things I regret, but I can’t say I’m free of regret either.
But it’s really fucking hard not to think about the guilt when you are standing on the side of a mountain, the world at your feet and the sky within reach. We really are small. Specks of nothing in a sea of endlessness. In a hundred years, no one will remember who we were but the deeds we committed? They’ll be whispered for generations.
I am not good. I never claimed to be, but perhaps I can bemore.
Standing with Apollo off to the side, I watch Knox and the rest of them herd the cattle into a large, fenced pasture shaded by the tallest trees I’ve ever seen. The river we stopped at earlier runs through the pasture, providing an endless stream of fresh water, and the grass here appears greener, thicker and lusher. There’s a small hut set off to the edge of the pasture that one of the guys heads off to, waving a two-finger salute to the rest of them. I guess he’s staying here until Knox does whatever he’s going to do with this herd.
When the herd is settled, Knox and Chase trot out of the pasture, Knox hopping off his horse to secure the gate before he lifts his hat from his head and wipes his forehead. I’ve no idea of the time, but I do know I’m sore, tired and hungry and last I heard, we have another hour of riding to do to get to the campsite we’ll be staying at overnight.
If asked again, I’d do another drive. It’s been fun, freeing, even if for the second half Knox ignored me though he never left my side.
Chase and Knox head my way, and with a jerk of his chin he commands me silently to fall into step with the two of them. Licking my dried lips, I do but I don’t ride by Knox like I did on the way up here. Instead, I come up beside Chase, who gives me a skeptical look. He’s a little pink from the sun, those freckles on his face standing out even more.
“What can I do for you, sweetness?” He asks.
“Just figured you’d be better company than theboss.”
He chokes out a laugh. “That so?”
I see Knox side-eye me, his shoulders stiffening. “Well, you actually talk to me.”
He chuckles, “Don’t take it personally; he does that to everyone he likes.”
