I know, deep down, that’s the reason I am struggling to bond with her, to truly make the connection. I may not have the violent tendencies my father had, but emotionally? Maybe I’m just as bad. That thought makes me sick.
Without another word, I turn and head from the room, ignoring Sloane when she calls my name. She leaves for the night five minutes after I lock myself in my bedroom, away from her, my daughter only on the other side of the wall, sleeping peacefully.
Pulling up the camera feed from the car, I watch her navigate the dark roads home until she pulls up to her house and cuts the engine. But she doesn’t immediately get out and insteadsits there with her hands still wrapped around the steering wheel. Her eyes focus on the house ahead of her, and while she doesn’t make a sound, the subtle shake of her shoulders and the shuddering breath that leaves her lips tell me she’s crying.
She’s my nanny, my sister-in-law’s best friend. I don’t need to care about her or her feelings. But watching her cry silently, her sorrow contained to a few tremors, has my fingers curling into the palms of my hands. I know how it feels. To feel like the entire world is continuing around you while everything inside crumbles, but nobody sees.
It makes you feel utterly alone.
Chapter Eleven
For the next week, I spend it mostly alone with Lily. I see Dean for a fleeting moment every morning and only a few minutes in the evening when I tell him how the day went. We don’t share dinner again; we don’t talk much at all past discussing Lily. He’s my boss, and I’m his employee, nothing more and nothing less.
I managed to find a routine with Lily, but I’ve also noticed how disconnected Dean is with her. He does everything he needs to, buys her clothes and formula, toys, and books. She’ll never want for anything, but it doesn’tfeelright. And while I don’t know Dean much at all, I know he isn’t abadfather. I see he wants it, but there’s something there, holding him back.
On Friday, I let myself into the house, immediately finding him in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in hand. Dressed impeccably as usual in his dark, tailored suit, his hair meticulously styled, and thick framed glasses on his face.
“It’s Lily’s first session with the playgroup at the library,” I tell him by way of greeting, “We need to leave in twenty minutes if we are going to make it.”
“We?” His head snaps back.
“Yes, we,” I place my bag on the counter and head through to the living room where Lily is, the TV playing to keep her occupied, another thing I’ve noticed he does. “Hi baby girl,” I greet her with a wide smile, getting a gummy one in return as I lift her from her rocker and carry her back through to her father. “Do you want to drive, or should I?”
He stares at me blankly, “I have work.”
“I don’t give a shit,” I give him a saccharine smile. “You hired me to help, I’m helping.”
“And this helps with what, exactly?”
“Bonding with your daughter.” I pluck his mug from his hand and take a sip of his coffee, not entirely sure where the confidence to do so has come from. I’ve always felt safe with Dean, even when we first met and that was why I put the ten-foot wall up between us, but after the panic attack a week ago… perhaps Dean isn’t such a bad person to have in my corner.
“I don’t need help,” He snatches his coffee back.
“You sure about that?” I challenge. “You know you can hold her in the morning, right? The TV is doing nothing for her, and she could use the interaction.”
“She’s fine.”
“She is,” I agree, “And I understand this isn’t something you wanted, but you have her, and she needs you.”
“You’ve no fucking idea what I want.” He snaps at me, the flare of anger sending warnings down my spine. I’m pushing too far, too hard, so I reel it back a little.
“I can’t force you to come, Dean, but having Lily around other children and in a setting outside of the house will be good for her. Having her father, who I know gives a shit about her development and emotional wellbeing there with her will helpher in the long run. You keep putting this line in the sand with her, and as she grows up, she’ll remember, and when she needs someone? It will not be you she turns to. Is that something you want?”
He stares at me with a fire lit in his eyes, but he doesn’t talk.
“The foundations you lay now will set up your future, and onlyyouget to decide what that looks like.”
There’s a pregnant pause, the silence thickening into a tension that makes my skin crawl, and when he makes no move to talk or come with me, I sigh, adjusting Lily so I can slide my purse onto my shoulder. I feel disappointment with every step toward the door, but hope remains, silently urging him to come.
But it becomes obvious that he won’t when I get back out the door and pull it shut behind me. He isn’t coming.
I put on a smile so Lily can’t sense the crushing regret I have. It’s when I have her all strapped in and rounding the car to climb into the driver’s seat that the front door opens, and Dean steps out, locking up behind him.
His eyes meet mine for a second before he strides toward me. “I’m driving.”
It takes everything in me to tamp down the triumph surging up. Handing him the keys, I quietly head to the passenger side, climbing into the seat without saying a word.
The drive across the city to the library is silent, his focus on the road ahead, but even doing something as simple as driving, he exudes the kind of confidence I’ve only witnessed on TV. He has one arm leaning against the door, the other carefully steering the car, and it’s really fucking hard not to stare at him.
