Instead, I’m haunted by one sided memories and feelings I can’t rid myself of.
She’ll be sleeping now; it’s way past midnight and I’d attempted my usual. Got into bed and laid there for hours on end, staring at the ceiling with the space beside me empty. And then I’d gotten up, got into my car and gone to the intersection where she had her accident. The skid marks are still on the road, shards of glass that were missed during the clean-up pushed up to the curbs at the sidewalk. Every single night, not a single other car crosses the intersection.
And after, I go to her house, the rooms cold now no one is living here for the moment and I’ve stood in the center of the studio, my mural across one wall, and my haggard reflection on the other. That’s where I am now, standing in the dark as rain continues to batter the city. My body aches and rebels, my muscles screaming from the strain I continue to put on them night after night and the lack of sleep is surely going to kill me. I’m not even sure how I am still standing.
Her.
My eyes stutter closed as I remember the last time we were in here, how I claimed her body in front of the mirror, how it sounded when she told me she loved me. She’s the reason I am still standing, the reason my heart continues to beat. There’s a tether between us, without her I am nothing.
How fucking tragic.
I open the text thread between me and her, scrolling through all the messages. I’ve deleted them off herphone, removing the evidence so she won’t know. But I can’t seem to let go.
But this is for the best, I know it is, if only to save her the pain. What I did was unforgiveable, what I am doing is irredeemable, purposely keeping her memories from her but if it means burning up in the ashes to keep her heart intact, then I’ll let myself implode.
Loving Savannah was my salvation, she was the reason my world continued to spin and now… she is my ruin.
Chapter Thirty-eight
“Scooch over,” Sloane groans with her arms full of candy and chips as she attempts to climb onto the small hospital bed. I shuffle over, giving her space where she then dumps the goods, grabs the blanket and puts it over herself, making sure not to touch any of the wires or tubes still attached to my body. It’s been over a month since the accident, and two weeks since I’ve been awake, but the doctor has said I should be good to go home soon.
But my memories still haven’t returned. Not even a flicker of them.
The doctor explained it’s known as retrograde amnesia, and whether it’s permanent or temporary is yet to be seen. I’m holding out hope that I will regain thetime I am missing, I feel like there’s something important in those memories, something that is making me feel empty without them.
Sloane brings up an episode of Gossip Girl and settles onto the pillows as she hits play, passing me a bag of chips to snack on. It’s finally stopped raining, but the sky has been suffocated by clouds every evening, so I haven’t been able to watch a single sunset out the window.
I let out a sigh as I focus on the show, snuggling into my best friend’s side. This is what I needed; everyone is treating me like I am fragile but not Sloane. Sloane brings me junk food and soda and lets me lay on her while we watch our shows. But even so, it feels like she is keeping things from me too.
It’s probably the blanks in my memories talking but it makes me uncomfortable.
Three days later and I’m packing my bags, finally free to leave. I’m not completely out the clear though, I have appointments I need to attend and physiotherapy appointments to go to, but I am no longer required to stay at the hospital. I rattle with all the pills I now have to take but I’d rather that than stay in this place one day longer.
“You got everything?” Sebastian asks as he takes my bag off the bed.
“Think so,” I beam at him, “Thank you for coming to get me.”
“Who else would get you?” He asks playfully, “Willow is getting the spare bedroom ready for you now.”
I pause, “Wait, what?”
My brother frowns, “What? You thought you’d be staying alone? Fuck no. You’re staying with me.”
“Bast,” I sigh, “I can’t.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because you and Willow have only been married a few months, Hope is still really little, you have your whole family to look after.”
“You are my family,” He snaps, “You’re not staying alone.”
“What if I ask Sloane to stay at mine?” I offer.
“No.” He begins to storm away from me, “This is final, Savannah.”
I hobble after him, “Bast!”
I wave to the nurses as I rush after my brother. It isn’t until we get to the bank of elevators that he finally stops, and he is not happy. He glares down at me.
