A keening sound fills the car, and it takes me a moment to realize it’s coming from me. Through the tears, I turn back to his house and watch, one by one as he switches off all the lights.
Done.
We are done.
And we hadn’t even really started.
You are right.
Right about what though? A question, I suppose, I’ll never get the answer to.
With nothing else to do or say, no way to save what we had, I pull out into the street, barely able to see, let alone navigate through the wave of grief that is eating me alive. I don’t see the lights; I don’t see the corners or the signs as I try to make my way home.
The car rumbles as I pull away at the green light at the intersection around the block from my house, but I don’t see the lights barreling toward me until it’s too late.
There’s no escaping the truck as it fails to stop at the lights, the tires skidding on the wet tarmac as they gain distance on me. Everything goes silent for a few seconds, time seeming to slow but then it hits.
And everything just switches off.
Chapter Thirty-three
Sleep never comes. I lay there in the dark, staring toward the black ceiling as the city slowly lightens with the rising sun.
There’s a pit inside of me, a yawning mouth that keeps stretching open, swallowing everything around it. All I see is the way her face crumbled when I ended it, saw the devastation, theheartbreakas I crushed her.
You love me too.
She was right, of course she was. I do love her, more than I have ever loved anything. Fuck, I’ve never loved anyone the way I am in love with her. And that’s why I let her go. Because she deserves more than me. Deserves more than the trauma and secrets. Ican’t give her what she wants.
I’ve let down too many people in my life, hurt too many people with my actions and I won’t do that to her. I’ve betrayed my best friend, broken his little sister’s heart and now I have to stew in the consequences of those actions.
I’ve been led here for the past several hours, so I give up and throw my legs off the side of the bed, capturing my head in my hands as my fingers thread into my hair and tug. The bite of pain isn’t enough. I need to push myself to the limit. I need to feel something other than this crushing sense of loneliness.
Leaving the lights off, I head through the house, the morning light barely above the horizon so it doesn’t penetrate through the windows as I make my way to the gym, knowing the halls in the dark since I’ve done this so many times.
Sleepless nights and darkness are my best friends.
The cool air of the gym hits me the moment I open the door, the smell of staleness and dust greeting me. I haven’t used it since this all began with Savannah, instead I’ve been working out with Dean or Malakai or Bast, something I hadn’t done for ages.
Now I’m back to my solitary punishment.
I hit the button to turn on the sound system and Anthony Mossberg’s,My Drugbegins to play, the same song I watched Savannah dance to that first day in her house. It seems fitting.
Leaving it to fill the space, bouncing off the wallsback at me, I stretch and then head for the bench, dragging the weights with me ready to begin my brutal reps.
Time disappears as I push myself to within an inch of my limits, sweat dripping off of me as my muscles scream for relief. I don’t comply. I keep forcing the reps until it feels like my flesh is tearing. The way her face looked is burned into the spot behind my eyes. Her tears, tracking down her red cheeks, the way she looked devastated every time I ignored her with our friends while we were drinking. I’d rather sit through weeks of torture than ever hurt her the way I did tonight and if I didn’t end it, I would keep hurting her.
Because that’s what I do. I hurt people.
A shrill ring cuts through the gym and I glance to the screen beside the bench, seeing Bast’s name lighting it up.
I contemplate ignoring it, leaving him to ring out but he won’t stop until he reaches me, or he’ll show up like he did last time, something he and his sister have in common it seems.
“What?” I snap into the cell, dropping the weights with a thud.
“Savannah,” His voice cracks into the speaker, sending an instant alert through me. My skin prickles with dread.
“What is it?”
