“Savvy,” I start to speak but before I can get any more words out, my little sister bounds across the room and wraps me in a hug.
“Congratulations, brother!” She says, “I’m so happy for you.”
I hug her back, “Thanks Sav.”
She lets me go but keeps her hands on my arms, looking far older than she should, “You gotta take care of her now, Bast, she’s your family.”
“I know,” I tell her, “I’ve always known.”
Savannah softens before she lets me go completely and heads back to the couch with the girls, plucking up her glass of wine. Olivia is watching me quietly while Willow picks at something on her jeans.
“Wills, you ready to go home?” I ask her.
She doesn’t meet my eyes when she nods and climbs up from the couch. I head out of the room to leave them all to say their goodbyes and when she finally joins me in the foyer, she’s as silent as she was when we arrived.
Her fingers wrap around mine tightly when I take her hand, but she isn’t present.
“What’s going on, Red?” I ask her when we get out to the car, pausing at the passenger seat.
But she shakes her head and doesn’t say a word.
Silently, I open her door for her, and she climbs inside. I will get whatever is eating at her out, I just need her to trust that I am here.
Chapter Thirty-two
My mother’s ghost has been haunting me for days now. She’s always been a presence at the back of my mind, always there to bring me down but recently her voice has become louder, her words spewed to me all those years ago are on a loop inside my head.
I can’t get her out.
Some days are better than others but it’s like she’s right here in the room with me, telling me how much I’m going to fail. Telling me it’s inevitable that I’m going to end up just like her. Bitter. Alone. A bad mother. A bad partner.
Why would anyone want me, after all? No prospects. No career. I’m just Willow Stanton, I don’t stand out,I don’t have any great, miraculous achievements. I’m just me. And me isn’t enough.
Sebastian’s hand strokes down my hair, startling me out of my thoughts. We’re already back at my apartment building, parked beneath it and I hadn’t even realized. The time just disappeared.
I reach for the handle to get out of the car but before I can get it open the click of the lock sounds, and the door doesn’t budge.
“Bast,” I sigh, not turning toward him, knowing what I’ll find on his face.
“Talk to me, Red,” He practically begs, “I feel like I’m losing you right now.”
My heart cracks inside my chest but I shake my head. Shame weighs on me, it’s stifling and heavy and what I really want to do is curl up under my blanket and sleep.
I’d underestimated how tiring this first trimester would be, I mean I’ve read about it of course but I thought I wouldn’t feel it. Not sure why I believed that since every other thing has happened, the hormones, the sickness so what’s one more thing to add to the list. I also never expected to see changes in my body so soon either but there’s this small swell to my abdomen, barely anything but it’s there.
My hand automatically falls to my stomach, my fingers splaying over the tiny bump. There’s a strong need to protect, to shelter and care but I have no idea how to do that. I’m counting down the days for mynext scan, just so I can see that little bean again.
“I’m still here,” I whisper in reply to Bast’s previous statement.
“But you’re not baby,” he insists, “Where has my girl gone?”
My eyes sting, “I’m just tired.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Sebastian’s voice rises slightly, an angry edge settling into the rough tone. It draws my eyes, but it isn’t anger I see on his face. It’s devastation. It’s sorrow. There’s not a single ounce of anger there. “Do you not want this anymore?”
That protective urge swells and my eyes widen, “What!?”
“Not the baby, Red,” He softens, “Us.”
