It’ll be the first night in some time I won’t be sleeping with her by my side, and I doubt I’ll sleep at all. I’ve never slept as well as I do when I’m with her.
But she needs me to leave. That doesn’t mean I’ll be gone for long; I’ll be back in the morning when she’s slept and I can explain the situation a little better.
When the light spilling out from beneath the door finally shuts off, I turn and walk away, giving her the space she has requested and head straight for Malakai’s place. Fuck going back to my empty apartment, I won’t sleep anyway, and I know there’s information I can use on Richard and Christian. I just need to find the right bait, the right leverage to make this all go the fuck away.
So, I make it to my apartment and get into my car before I start to drive toward Malakai’s.
It feels physicallywrong, driving away from Willow but for the time being, I have to deal.
I’ll be back and if I have to get on my knees and beg for her to forgive my shortcomings, then I will.
Chapter Twenty-five
The nausea is present this morning. I can’t tell if it’s the nerves or the sickness I’ve been dealing with for the past week. I have to pee so bad, and the pregnancy tests are right there, but I’m so damn scared.
My apartment is quiet, there’s no Sebastian whistling in the kitchen or the sound of the coffee machine. It’s just me and my thoughts. I’m exhausted, I slept like shit last night and I know it’s because I sent Bast away, but I needed the space.
After hearing Olivia and Savvy talk about the possibility of pregnancy and then watching Bast beat a man half to death, I needed space. I needed time to think.
And think I did. Too much.
I tossed and I turned and almost caved and called him more times than I care to admit.
After I’d woken this morning, I got dressed and headed straight to the store to grab six separate pregnancy tests. I have no idea which brand to use or which one will be more accurate, so I got them all and now they’re laid out on the kitchen counter, staring at me while my bladder screams and aches for relief.
I really need to pee. I googled it and found out it’s best to do a test first thing in the morning, so I’ve held it since I woke up and I’m sure as hell feeling it now.
“Just pick one,” I growl to myself and then force my eyes closed, shoving a hand out to blindly pick a damn brand. I grab the first one I touch and open my eyes to blue and white packaging.
Blowing out a breath I take the box to the bathroom, opening it as I go so it’s ready and then I force myself not to think, just do.
I pee on the stick as instructed and when it’s done, I lay it on the side, pretending it doesn’t exist while I wash up. Out of the corner of my eye I can see the screen, a small circle on it moving around and around as it processes but it’s not going to be positive so it’s not a big deal.
I nod at myself in the mirror, feeling a little manic as I scrub my hands to within an inch of their life as the damn test continues to process. And then the circle disappears and there’s a result on the screen but I’mtoo terrified to look, so I focus on drying my hands, making sure every part of them is bone dry and when I know I can’t put it off for any longer, I turn to the test.
And stop breathing.
Because it isn’t negative.
“Oh no,” I gasp, clutching the stick in my hand as I stare at the small screen on the front as if I can will it to give me another answer.
But it doesn’t change, the result remains the same. I’m pregnant.
My knees become too weak to remain standing and slowly I begin to sink to the cold tiled floor of the bathroom, with the test in my hand.
How could this happen? I’m on birth control!
I hadn’t decided if I ever wanted to have children and now, I’m here. I’m pregnant with Bast’s baby.
There’s a ringing in my ears and my heart is thumping something wild inside my chest. What do I do now? What happens?
I should phone Sebastian but how will he react? After last night and asking him to leave I have no idea if he even wants to see me. Will he hate me? Will he think I’ve trapped him?
I can hear my sobs, but they sound as if they arecoming from another room and not myself, I can see myself shaking but I don’t feel it.
I just feel this overwhelming, crushing fear.
You’ll never make it as a mother.
