“I need to sort my head out,” she lifts our son from the floor, “It’s not fair on either of us but certainly not you to walk on eggshells.”
“How did this start baby?”
“Everything is just so perfect, Kolt,” She sniffs, and the first tears fall down her cheeks, “Like none of it ever happened. But it did happen and it’s hard to forget, and I understand it isn’t your fault, but I’m still feeling the pain.” She rubs her sternum, balancing Ethan on her hip, “And it makes me feel like it didn’t matter.”
“Of course, it matters,” I step toward her, but she steps back.
“I just need today,” She says to me, wiping at her tears with her free hand. Ethan grabs a strand of her hair, frowning at his mother’s face, namely the tears that roll down her cheeks.
“Okay,” I breathe, “But I’m not leaving Ness. I am coming back, this isn’t done.”
“I don’t think we will ever be done,” She whispers.
“No, we won’t.” I agree. “I need to shower and then I’ll head out, okay? Can I help with anything?”
She shakes her head, no, so I trudge to the bathroom, my steps heavy and my heart galloping in my chest. She needed space and I’d respect her wish but I’m going to hate every damn second of it.
Chapter Thirty-nine
The moment I hear the door click closed behind Kolt, I break. My knees hit the floor and my head lands in my hands as floods of tears unleash.
I can’t stop this crushing feeling in my chest, like someone has placed a lead weight right on top of my lungs. I can’t breathe, can’t move, can only think about the past and it coming back to haunt me.
Can only picture a future where Kolt has left, and my heart is broken.
“Mama,” Ethan waddles over to me, carrying his favorite stuffed bear, “Here, mama.” He places the bear in my lap, patting it softly before he tugs a strand of my hair, trying to get my attention. I look at him through my blurry vision, blinking rapidly to try and clear away the tears so I can see him better.He grins at me, so much like his dad it physically hurts to see his little face.
“Come here, baby,” I grab him, hauling him into my lap but he just wiggles to free himself immediately, not wanting to cuddle like usual.
Instead, I watch him walk toward the front door, looking over his shoulder as he points to the handle, “Daddy.”
My chest cracks as I nod, the sob building and choking me, “Yeah, that was daddy.”
He frowns, “Daddy,” he repeats, slapping his palm on the door.
What have I done? Why did I send him away!?
This pain is squeezing so tight around me I can’t breathe.
“He’ll be back later,” I promise him and hope that I am right.
I go to my sisters, I hadn’t told her I was arriving so when I knock on her door and she answers, seeing my bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks, her eyes widen.
“What happened!?” She demands, her brows lowering in concern. She takes Ethan from my arms, bouncing to keep him entertained as she opens the door wider to let me inside.
“I’m a mess,” I cry.
“What happened, Nessa?” She asks again. Her concern draws Shawn from wherever he was hiding in their house.
“I told him I needed space,” I sniff, replaying how hurt he was when I said those words. It was never supposed to happen like that, I was just going to talk to him but then… I fucked up.
“Who?Kolt?”Immy’s eyes widen as she places Ethan down when the door is closed. He pays us no attention, distracted bythe noise of the TV. Shawn, bless his heart, guides him through and follows behind, leaving Immy and I to talk.
“I fucked up, Immy,” I whisper, “But I’m so scared and I told him to leave.”
“Okay, where did this all start?” She asks, “Like how?”
I explain how great this last week has been, how perfect Kolt has been. Ethan is besotted with him; he’s helped me so much and we could have easily fallen into a routine. “But with everything that happened, and how we got here. I’m scared, Imogen.”
