But I’m not.
I sigh as I relax further into him, letting his hands wash away the last few hours and by the time we climb into bed, I’m so tired my eyes are already closed when my head hits the pillow.
Chapter Thirty-seven
The next week passes in a blur of domestic bliss and tangled limbs. It’s easy to fall into a routine with Kolt when I’m not actively trying to guard myself.
And he’s a really fucking good dad.
Ethan adores him.
I haven’t a single ounce of worry with Kolt taking over some things, like watching him so I can go grocery shopping, or taking him to the little park so I can catch up on some of the chores I’ve neglected. He helps too, most days my house is spotless because Kolt has managed to get up before me to do it and handled Ethan at breakfast time.
Even Pumpkin loves him.
I’ve spent time with Arryn and Maya, both as a group with the brothers and on our own and neither of them judged me for mysecrets. They didn’t even bring it up. Like now, we’re all sitting on the couches with Ruthie, a fire blazing in the fireplace and the topic hasn’t even come up. Not even Ruthie has mentioned it and considering she’s the one who figured it out, I expected a grilling from her.
But she baked cookies like she always did and had a fresh pot of coffee ready. It was kind of a weekly thing even though I’d missed the last one.
Arryn is laughing as she’s telling a story of something Rett did last week, but my mind is so occupied with thoughts of Kolt, I’ve missed half the story.
“Earth to Nessa,” Maya laughs, sipping at her drink. Harper is out back with the chickens, which is hardly surprising, and Kolt has taken Ethan with him to visit his brothers, so I have time, and yet they were all I was thinking about.
“Huh? Sorry, what?” I sputter, leaning forward as if that’ll keep me focused on this setting.
Maya looks amused while Ruthie and Arryn just quirk brows at me, “What did I miss?”
“You okay, sweetness?” Ruthie asks.
“Uh, yeah,” I agree, “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“You’ve been out of it since we got here, babe,” Arryn says, “Everything okay with Kolt?”
“I mean yeah, everything is fine,” I start to ramble, “Why wouldn’t it be fine? We’re great, just perfect.”
There is no humor left on Maya’s face when she speaks next, “Okay, spill it, what happened?”
“No really, nothing happened. It really has been fine.”
“So why does it feel like you’re not okay?” Ruthie says.
I didn’t know why they were getting that impression. Everything is perfectly fine. Blissful.
I shrug nonchalantly, even though I can feel my stomach knotting with unease, “Everything is great.”
I can tell they don’t believe me but they’re also not the type to push for something I’m not willing to give. And truthfully, I’m not entirely sure what is wrong. I’d woken this morning with this heavy ball of anxiety in my stomach and I’ve been trying to ignore it all day. Since Ethan was born, I’d had bouts of anxiety anyway, especially with his illnesses and being alone, so it isn’t unusual, I guess.
But it hadn’t passed, even when I’d assured myself everything was fine. I’d kissed Kolt goodbye and hugged my son like I would if they were just popping to the store or to the park, and they were good when I left too.
I thought maybe a coffee with the girls and some away time from the house would have solved it, but it’s been stewing all day. Not even remembering the past week and how perfect it has been has helped ease whatever this is.
“Okay my darlings,” Ruthie stands with a groan, rolling her eyes as we all lunge to help her stand. “It’s the cold,” she tuts, “Messing with my damn knees. I’ll be right as rain once spring comes round.”
We back off, “I gotta get on.” Ruthie tells us, “Same time next week?”
It’s a collective agreement and after we help her clear up the mugs and tray of cookies, the three of us head out, collecting Harper on the way. While it hadn’t snowed all week, it has been freezing, keeping the ground frozen and icy and the wind bitterly cold.
“I’ll catch you later,” I say, turning to head in the opposite direction to them and back to the house.
