“I was trying to protect you.”
“No one asked you to protect me, Kolt.”
“What you gave me,” He says, “I treasured it.”
“Stop.” I stand abruptly. “Please don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying, trouble. I fell–”
Panic surges through me, my heart rate picking up so quickly I feel it beating inside my ears, “I need a shower.” I don’t even wait for a response when I retreat, locking myself up in the bathroom.
And standing under the hot spray, years of heart ache crippling my body, I cry. I cry until I have nothing else to give, cry until I feel sick and weak and tired.
I cry for what I could have had, and what I’ll never let myself fall for again.
Chapter Twenty-nine
He returns that evening and spends the night though I make sure I get up with Ethan when he wakes around two A.M.
“I’ve got this,” He whispers.
“I’m good,” I reply, opening Ethan’s door to find him standing in his crib, not fully crying yet but if I don’t pick him up, he’ll certainly let me know. Pumpkin weaves between Kolt’s legs, purring gently in the quiet night. Kolt glances down to the cat before he bends, tickling his fingers against the cat’s head, but then he stops and looks up at me.
“Why are you so against me helping?”
“I’m not,” I lie, holding my son against my hip, using Pumpkin as my focal point, instead of Kolt’s face, “I’m just so used to this.”
“Can I do anything?”
With a swallow, I say, “Sit with me?”
There’s a two-seat couch in Ethan’s bedroom, a hand me down from Immy that’s been covered in blankets and cushions since I’ve fallen asleep on that sofa more times than I can count. I’m in a baggy pair of pajama pants and a light cami, the house is warm thanks to the fire burning in the lounge, and Kolt had worked some magic to get the boiler working again though he said it was only temporary, so a repair man would still need to come out.
Kolt’s dressed in a pair of plaid pajama pants, a white tee stretched tight over his muscles. His thigh is against mine where the couch is so small and he’s so big, and I lay Ethan across me, cradling his head in my arm as I gently rock him, but the boy appears to be wide awake.
He stares up at me with his big amber eyes, dimples sinking into his cheeks as he reaches for a strand of hair.
He’s almost got it when Kolt provides his finger instead.
Pumpkin continues his love on Kolt, his purr loud enough to rival an engine. Damn traitor.
“I thought I’d lose my hair,” I laugh quietly, focusing back on the small fingers wrapped around the much larger one, “He has this fascination with hair and has pulled mine so much I had to check every day for bald spots.”
He chuckles with me, letting Ethan yank on his finger and I can’t help but watch him. I’m still in shock at how long his own hair has become, and envious that he can pull off a messy bun when I can’t.
“You grew your hair out,” I point out, “A lot.”
His eyes flick to me and a grin tugs on one side of his mouth, “I’m not ashamed to admit the pull you have over me, trouble.”
“Huh!?” I gasp, “Me!?”
He chuckles.
“How is your long hairmyfault!?”
“Do you not remember lying in bed with me, telling me how much you liked my hair long?”
My cheeks heat, “That was a long time ago, Kolt.”
