“Jeez, kid,” Rett pats the snowball, “are you trying to wound me?”
“You’re the best at hide and seek!” She placates him.
“That’s right!” Rett hollers loudly, his voice booming through the quiet town, “I am the best.”
“What’s in the box, uncle Kolt?” Harper queries.
“Just some things I need to take a look at,” I tell her.
“Can I see?”
“Maybe another time,” I tell her gently, heading past them and into the warmth of the house. I hear them get right back to building their snowman while the house is alive with voices and laughter. Arryn, Arryn’s sister, Olivia, Maya and Torin sit in the living room, a fire roaring in the hearth, warming the house. Torin looks at me and quirks a brow, a silent question asking how it went. I shake my head because truthfully, I have no idea how it went. It could have gone better and it could have gone worse but it hadn’t eased the empty feeling I had inside of me.
“There’s some food on the stove,” Maya says with a smile, a hand resting on her abdomen, “Should still be hot!”
“Thank you,” I nod in her direction but don’t head through to the kitchen. I couldn’t stomach food while this box was left uninvestigated. Taking it through to the guest room, I close the door and place it on the pristinely made bed.
Apart from the double, and a chest of drawers, it’s empty. I have a few clothes with me and even less belongings since I’d left everything on the mainland. None of it matters. I don’t need any of it.
I flick the lid off the box and find a thick photo album on top, the cover a deep blue with constellations painted on the front. In neat, cursive writing, Ethan’s name is scrawled in the center.
Pulling it out, I lay it in my lap and flick to the first page.
Dear Kolten,
If you have this then you know about Ethan.
I bought this album the day I found out I was pregnant, the cover reminded me of us, of the time we spent at the docks. It seems like a lifetime ago now, so much changed so quickly and then the pregnancy happened…
I could ramble all about it, but I won’t.
I pause, finger tracing the handwritten note on the inside page, the pen strokes indented into the thick paper as if she was holding the pen so hard, she was trying to push the ink through the paper.
For a long time, this sat in storage, I felt so silly after I bought it that I couldn’t even look at it. I mean, I got it because of you. I was stuck on you, but you weren’t coming back.
But then I had the idea of documenting everything for you, just in case, you know?
The way she writes… it’s as if she is talking right at me. As if she always knew, even if it was just a small part of her, that I would come back.
And if you are reading this, then I guess you did come back. Who knows under what circumstances but just know I never wanted to keep Ethan a secret.
He is my greatest accomplishment. My pride and joy.
The greatest adventure.
I reread the letter again and again, putting off opening to the next page so I can imagine her voice speaking to me like this. Like she wants me to be here.
My hands shake when I do eventually turn the page and find several photos of Vanessa in various stages of her pregnancy.
The first photo, she’s wearing a pair of blue jeans and a blouse, her hair flowing around her as she beams at the camera, her sister at her side.
Twelve Weeks Pregnantis scrawled beneath the photo. I move to the next and the next and realize she’s taken weekly shots, some with others, others on her own, showing her moving along in the pregnancy. She’s beautiful in every single one, her stomach round, her smile wide.
I stop at the final photo on the spread.
Thirty-eight weeks pregnant
In this photo she isn’t smiling fully, there’s a gently curve to her mouth but it’s her eyes that hold my attention. There’s something in them that makes my stomach turn, something thatmakes me want to turn back time so I can hold her in this moment.
