This is a stupid idea.
But no fear comes, even as I pull myself over onto the flat top of the cliff. Once on solid rock, I collapse, chest heaving and muscles twitching.
Clearly, I am underestimating what it will take to frighten myself. I should have gone into the room with people talking. Social interaction was probably the bigger threat.
Still, I’m here now. So, I may as well enjoy the view.
Pulling myself up off the ground, I wipe my bloodied hands on my pants as I make my way to the opposite end of the mountaintop. The sound of the roaring surf reaches me. I assume it’s been here the whole time. But noises and time aren’t registering so well with me anymore.
The water swirls in angry eddies as wave after wave crashes against the rock. I inch closer to the cliff’s edge, feeling nothing, even when the tips of my boots hang off the rocks.
I stare longingly at the angry waves.
Would it feel good to be consumed by their power and violence?
Years ago, I had to start making a conscious choice to live. And every time the depression creeps back in, the choice becomes louder. It’s deafening now, and I’m exhausted. Exhausted of fighting to live.
I’ve been trying for so long.
I lean forward, and my heart rate picks up. Maybe fear of falling won’t stop the disassociation. Not when, deep down, a part of me wants to jump. That thought is much more terrifying.
I start to lift my foot to step into the void, and something inside of me breaks.
The emotions I disassociated from hit with a vengeance.
The shame comes first. Shame and then guilt. It’s not only my pain that returns, but Cassandra’s too.
How did she let the Guardians use her for as long as they did? She turned a blind eye to their evil and hurt so many others on their behalf. She was a monster.
The shame continues to grow.
I’m no better. I let the Council use me, agreed to helpkillsomeone without knowing whether they were guilty.
And then there’s Leon. I fought to see the best in him, even when he could clearly see the bond was forcing me to submit to him against my will.
Lightning cracks over the water, and I don’t flinch, lost in my spiral.
Despite my insistence that I didn’t want the bond, he continued to push and took advantage when it flared between us. He used it to try and make me his possession, an object he could control.
And I let him.
Maybe I was so desperate for that love that I was ready to accept anything he gave me, no matter how much his version of love hurt. Or maybe I was so broken from Jackson’s death that some part of me knew I deserved pain. Maybe the Fates bound us together not for some lost love, but as my penance.
What Leon wanted from me would have crushed every piece of my soul, and maybe the broken pieces of me thought that was a good thing.
I hate myself for all of it.
For feeling so inadequate that I ignored the red flags and blamed myself for our fights. And for letting myself be controlled by others, from Cassandra’s life to mine.
Nothing has changed. We’re both no better than puppets.
The sobs start to well up, and I hug myself, trying to stop the shakes that are wracking through me.
More lightning is hitting the water now in all directions, and a purple haze hangs in the air.
I don’t pay it any attention. I’m still drowning.
I cry for the loss of my home. My haven that was trashed by the forsaken. It took me ages to feel safe in the apartment, to feel like I belonged there. And now it will be taken away because it was ransacked, and I disappeared. More tears at the thought of my friends, who will be worried sick for me.
