When I turn my gaze to North, he’s trembling, and I can see his hands shake on his sides. He looks like a deer in the headlights.
“North, West, East, or South…” Jessica singsongs sadly.
I frown at her but tell it to North the same way she just did. He gasps, sucking in a breath before he turns to put a hand on the wall, his other hand coming up over his mouth while he starts to sob and his shoulders shake.
Seeing him like this makes me itch to go over and comfort him, but I stay where I am, pushing my hands into my hoodie pocket to keep them from reaching out.
He turns again, tears streaming down his face, eyes red as he presses out, “Your name is the sweetest thing that leaves my mouth.”
It’s cheesy, sweet, and so unlike the North I got to know that my heart hurts even more, knowing that I’ll never have the chance to get to know this side of him.
“Jessie.” North whimpers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Please, tell him I’m the one who’s sorry. Tell him it wasn’t…” She starts to sob, not able to say the words. But she doesn’t need to. I can see it written on her face, feel them deep in my soul.
I turn to North, looking at him, feeling like everything I have in me is laid bare for him to see, opening myself to make sure he can believe and receive what he needs to hear.
“It was never your fault. Jessica had demons you didn’t know about, and you can’t fight things that you didn’t know existed. She’s sorry for shattering your world even more, for leaving you to pick up the pieces alone.”
I can practically see the storm raging in North as he battles with himself.
“Tell him I forgive him. Tell him he doesn’t have to tear himself up for the two years he wasn’t there. He thinks he wasn’t a husband to me anymore, and that’s the truth. Our marriage was over the day he decided work was the one to turn to for his grief and not me. But we were friends long before we were husband and wife. And I never stopped loving him, never stopped missing my friend. I know he was struggling too. I know he was on the verge of giving up. He’s just the stronger one of us. I was the first to break. I’m sorry I left his shoulders even heavier.”
As I recount what Jessica said, emotions play over North’s face, from anger to despair to grief. “I would have broken us both if I’d let myself keep you. Like this, I thought I’d only broken myself. Until…”
“Until you found me in that bathtub, swimming in my own blood. I was a coward, and in the end, I was the one breaking you. You were never the one to blame.”
“She says you were never the one to blame,” I whisper to him.
The silence that follows is only broken by some small coughs from Lio, prompting Jessica to go on and me to tell North word for word.
“I need you to stop cowering. To stop torturing yourself. I need you to leave this behind you. To let the guilt and allegations you shoot at yourself go. I need you to be a father to our son. He hasn’t got parents right now. I can’t turn back time and give him a mother. But you can change and give him a father. Give him the North I fell in love with.”
North looks over at Lio, cheeks wet from his tears, nodding to himself, and I know I have him.
He received what he needed to hear.
All of them did.
Leaving Jessica only the unfinished business that lies in the bed between us. “My sweet boy, I’m sorry for missing the opportunity to see you grow, to hold you close, and to be the mom you deserved. But know, I will always be watching over you and never stop loving you. You have a mommy that loves you.”
Lio looks at me intently as I relay, making sure the love she’s conveying with her voice shines through mine as much as possible. Lio turns to his other side and whispers, “I love you too, Mommy.”
North sounds like he was just shot, gasping for breath and whimpering, when he turns with a pained expression, and Hunter reaches out to pull him to his chest, letting him sob into his shoulder. He looks at Nash, tilting his chin to gesture him to step closer, which he does, so Hunter puts an arm around him too.
“I hope, with time, they can heal and find a way to forgive me,” Jessica tells me as we both watch the brothers stand there, holding each other.
“I don’t think there is anything left to forgive,” I tell her sympathetically.
Something grabs her attention from her other side, and she turns to look at it, her face lighting up. “Is that the light?” she asks me.
“I don’t know. You’re the only one who can see it. But if it feels right to step into it, it’s a sign that you should.”
“I can see my Mom,” Jessica whispers, awe in her voice as she turns again to me with tears in her eyes. “Thank you, Sloan. I’m sorry I called you a coward.”
I let out a watery laugh, pushing away my tears with the back of my hand. “It’s forgiven.”
“Please tell Tim and Tally that I love them and it’s not a goodbye. It’s a see you later. Tally’s in good hands. You’re not the worst step-in for me as her best friend.”
