She hadn’t been there for years, and then it had been seen through the eyes of a child. There was so much she wanted to see, to experience, and yet she was also fighting the oddest sense of fear.
Of the unknown.
This time, she wouldn’t be going just as a visitor. She would be making connections and introductions, and while she prided herself on being socially adept, her recent failings were making her question herself.
When Lord Penderdale’s arrival was announced, she stood from her place in the parlor and waited.She grasped her skirts, trying not to wrinkle them by twisting them in her anxiety. Her father had also said that he’d disclosed the day’s events to Lord Penderdale, which gave her further reason to fret.
He knew about the ladies’ classes because she’d told him. However, knowing was different than others knowing and, as her father had stated so clearly that morning, the consequences of others knowing. It was why she kept referring to him not as Collin, but as Lord Penderdale to remind herself of his position and title.
When they’d first met, he’d called her selfish.
And it was bitter to know he was right and that she’d have to eat those words he’d fed her. Their truth had sunk deep this afternoon, and she still hadn’t quite recovered.
That deep soul-searching, sincerely seeing herself not as she wanted to be seen or to see herself, but as she actually was, had been excruciating.
And the night was young, and she wasn’t sure what it held.
She didn’t think his affections would be compromised. Nonetheless, she wasn’t going to hold him to anything. It wouldn’t be fair.
She’d done this to herself.
She’d take the consequences.
“Ah, Miss Essex, lovely as usual.” Lord Penderdale came into the room, his expression soft and welcoming as he spoke.
Elizabeth’s knees weakened slightly as relief flowed through her. And the realization she had expected him to put her aside.
“Lord Penderdale.” She curtsied.
He blinked and paused. “Well, I certainly enjoy your graceful movements, but I’m quite certain the only time you’ve curtsied in my presence before was in sarcasm, so there’s no need to start now. Unless that was sarcasm, in which case, I approve,” he said. “I certainly deserve it.”
She blushed, feeling a little more like herself at his words. “I do nothing that’s not deserved. On both counts,” she added with a small smile.
“Ah, that’s the spirit,” he replied, his gaze warm as he came a few steps closer.
Elizabeth’s father came into the room and greeted them both with a smile. “Dinner will be soon. Until then, let us sit and discuss the next few days.”
Elizabeth’s lightened mood was short-lived, her heavy disappointment in herself weighing her down immediately as she studied her father. He’d been so kind, forgiving even, but the person she couldn’t forgive was herself.
“Elizabeth, none of that,” her father chided her.
“My apologies, Papa,” she whispered softly.
Her father glared at her.
She forced a small smile.
“That’s not much better,” he replied, then took a seat beside her and picked up her hand. “My dear, ifwe never recover from our mistakes, then they continually have power over us. So, grow from them, and then you’ll make me far prouder than if you merely rake yourself over the coals inside your mind.”
Elizabeth nodded.
“And you’re not the only one offering apologies today.” Lord Penderdale seated himself across from them. “I assume your father told you of the plan to remove you to London for a short time?”
Elizabeth glanced to her father. “Yes.”
“Did he tell you why it is important?” Lord Penderdale asked.
Elizabeth’s heart clenched. “No, I… Well, I didn’t consider why. I’ve…had a lot of other things on my mind.”
