“Jesus.” She sighs. “That’s just such a long time to have such a turbulent relationship with a parent.”
“Fucking tell me about it.” I blow out a breath. “He won the Super Bowl when I was ten, and that’s when it got really bad. Just the pressure he put on my brother and me was ridiculous. I’ll never understand how anyone can put their own child, or any kid, really, through that kind of mental boot camp. It was torture. I hated when he was at my games and practices for the most part.”
“I understand why you don’t share this publicly, but it really hurts me to know you’ve had to talk about him your entire career without anyone knowing these things.”
Demi’s fingers slide around my shoulder and to my neck, and I melt into the way it feels to have her hands on me. It’s comforting and intimate and it’s everything I’ve never felt with anyone else.
“Yeah.” My throat clears and I lean my head back on the cushion of the couch, right next to where she’s sitting. “My freshman year in high school, I wasn’t a starter—not that I wasbothered by it. I knew there were a lot of guys better than me. But my dad?” I blow out a breath with a shake of my head. “He embarrassed the fuck out of me with that coach. Almost made me not want to play. Of course he was charming in his way of going about it, basically making contributions to the team with new equipment, money, field help, anything he could do to butter them up. He made himself look like the world’s best dad. But we’d get home, and I’d hear ‘look at all the strings I have to pull for you.’”
I feel my nose burn as I relive that memory.
“He pushed me so much. Even making it to the NFL, after shitting on me for not going in the first round. He still found ways to make my successhissuccess. I mean, yeah, he coached me, and I do believe in good genes, whatever. ButIworked.Istudied.Iproved myself. The success I have in my career ismine.” I don’t see the room around me right now.
It’s like I’m transported back to being fifteen, sitting in the locker room as the guys around me talked about my dad as if he was a superhero and I didn’t have the fucking stones to tell them otherwise.
“Hey.” I hear Demi’s voice and then I feel her hands on my face, her fingers against my stubble as she runs her thumbs on my cheeks. “Hey,” she whispers again, and I see her seated next to me on the floor. Worry written all over her face.
“Sorry.” I shake my head and clear my throat.
“No, we’re not apologizing right now. You have nothing to be sorry for. Okay?”
I nod, her hands still cupping my cheeks as I place my hands over hers, pulling her fingers into mine.
“It still gets me when I talk about it. Which isn’t often. It’s usually just with Dana.”
“Well, it’s only fair, right?” She chuckles lightly, leaning her head against my shoulder as we sit on the floor.
It’s dark out. Pitch black, actually, and I don’t even know what time it is since I haven’t been bothered to check a clock since she got here.
“What?”
“I share about my crappy ex-husband, you share about your crappy dad. Baggage for baggage, right?”
I turn my head, planting a kiss to her forehead. “Right.”
Sharing parts of my life with Demi feels so fucking easy. Like it’s the most natural thing I do all day long. Telling anyone about my dad—especially someone who has met him—would normally make me so fucking nervous and uneasy. I used to think people wouldn’t even believe me if I shared all the mental bullshit he put me through. The things he would say to me were tailored to break me. To break my spirit and make me think that without him, I was nothing.
Opening up to Demi has given me this renewed belief in myself. She makes me feel seen and appreciated in ways I’ve never experienced simply by how she listens. Talking to her is easy and comforting—she’s compassionate and has such a warmth about her, but also has a fierce way of reminding me exactly who I am. Something that’s easy for me to forget when I end up on the wrong side of a bad day. It’s easy to spiral and let my mindset become turbulent.
She’s letting some of her walls down for me, yes, but she’s taking a crack at mine too, and at this point I just want to let them crumble.
Liam and I have been spending more time together than I ever thought we would. It’s been easy and fun, and quite honestly, it’s felt nourishing. His company fills something within me. He helps me feel seen—but not just seen,understood. Valued.
We kiss, sure. But we haven’t shared any moments further than that aside from the one time he devoured me on the kitchen counter. I’ve thought about that often over the last couple weeks—and I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Right now, the way we spend time together feels like something we both kind of need, and when I left Liam the other night part of me wanted to turn right back around and knock on his door.
It’s hard to ignore how he makes me feel when it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve felt cared for before, but Liam takes that simple word to a completely new level. Hewantsto know me. All of me.
My career is important to me, there’s no way I’d say it isn’t. Women are constantly put down in this profession, working ten times harder to be taken seriously and I’ve always been so proud of the strides I’ve made in this field. But for me, spending time with Liam doesn’t diminish any of that. In a lot of ways, it feels like he helps me feel even stronger in this league.
He consistently makes sure the moments we spend together are of my own choosing. Sure, the first coffee meeting was the result of a bet he initiated, but he gave me an out immediately after he won. He values my job and my role, and I know that if tomorrow I said I couldn’t see him anymore, he’d respect my decision.
Because Liam has always been aboutmydecision.
Is it foolish to spend time with him? Maybe? Maybe not, though. I can’t speak for everyone in this industry, but I know my heart, and I feel like I now have a pretty good grasp on who Liam is. This isn’t just for show or for favoritism. Hell, no one even knows about us spending any time together and I’ve been singing his professional praises for years. I don’t know exactly what any of this is, but I know right now I’m healing a part of me that has felt broken for a long time.
And I won’t let anyone make me feel bad about that.
