“Um, it’s okay,” I stutter, sounding so fucking stupid but I’m nearly paralyzed with guilt right now. “I just—I don’t know what to say, Liam,” I whisper.
The top sheet is up around his waist, but I still see his abdomen flex every time he moves. Which is a lot right now because this man can’t seem to sit still when he’s scrambling for words.
“Nothing. Say nothing. I shouldn’t have even said it. I-I wasn’t thinking straight and I take it back.”
I shouldn’t feel like I’ve just been gut punched by that statement. If anything, I’m the asshole here. I know that. But hearing him say he takes it back doesn’t exactly feel any better than hearing him say it to begin with.
“Oh.” My eyes dart to the door.
I have to leave. We can’t have this conversation right after sex, our brains aren’t working properly, and most importantly, I need time to process the last three fucking minutes and figure out what to do.
“I mean—” He pauses and sits up straighter. His eyes searching mine for understanding and hope. I see it so clearly. He’s begging me not to hurt him, and I just don’t know if I can live up to that expectation. “No.” His arms cross over his chest. “No, I don’t take it back.”
“Liam, I’m not ready for…that,for this to be anything more than what it is.” At least, I don’t know if I am. I didn’t picture myself spending time with someone again so soon, and I sure as hell didn’t think it would end up being Liam.
“I’m not asking for you to say it back. I’m not asking for you to feel it. But it’s how I feel.” He stands from the bed, completely naked before grabbing his boxers and shorts, throwing them on.
I feel my shoulders sink and my stomach drops at how genuine he’s being. I love spending time with him. I love talking to him. Kissing him. Texting him. Laughing with him. Having sex with him. But do Ilovehim? I can’t answer that right this second.
“Um…” I feel so fucking stupid right now. I can’t put words together, or thoughts. I shouldn’t have been so careless with his very clear feelings for me. I see that now.
He shakes his head and hands me my clothes from the floor. “You don’t have to say anything. I’ll let you get dressed.” And he leaves his bedroom, closing his door behind him.
I’ve never rushed to the bathroom and gotten dressed so quickly in my life. And to top it off, I’m back in his clothes because mine are still soaking wet from the ice plunge. I smell like him. And I love it too much. There are too many things about my time with Liam that I do love, now that I’m forcing myself to think about it.
Exiting his bedroom, Birdie greets me with a tiny meow, and I let her rub against my ankle before I walk out to the kitchen and see Liam leaning against the counter.
“I’m really sorry about that,” I say, jerking my thumb toward the bedroom as if that apology fixes things.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Dem.”
“I should go.” I reach for my clothes that he brought in from drying outside and grab my phone and keys from the counter.
Liam doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. He knows me well enough by now to know I need space. He follows me slowly to the door and then reaches his hand out in front of me to open it. But I pause.
“I noticed you always call me, Dem,” I say after I step out into the hallway.
He leans against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest, hair perfectly messy with just the right amount of stubble covering his jaw as he stares at me.
He gives me one steady nod. “I do.”
“Everyone else calls me Demi.”
His hand reaches up to the top of the door. Because of course he can touch it. His stomach flexes, and I feel a lump form in my throat when I watch him swallow, his Adam’s Apple bobbing.
“Everyone calls you Demi because it’s short for Demetria. I like being the only one who calls you Dem because it’s short for Demi.” He shrugs and there’s something so authentic and tender about this moment it makes my heart ache. “You know I don’t like to be like everyone else.” He smiles, but I hardly believe the curve of his lips means that he’s happy. “Have a good night,” he says.
“You too.”
I turn away just as his door is closing.
Back in my apartment, I throw myself on the bed. Not even bothering to shower or change my clothes. My head hits the pillow and I stare at the ceiling, watching my fan spin around and around.
I replay the last couple months in my head. None of it’s a blur with Liam. I remember every second of us. Every beautiful, fleeting moment that brought me so much more happiness than I ever even knew I was missing.
But the reality is, this was supposed to be casual. And maybe I missed my opportunity to make that clearer to him. I got lost in the conversations and the warmth. The security I felt and the ease of being with him. I craved so much about Liam’s entire presence that I was selfish with him.
My index fingers pick at the nail polish on my thumbs as I lie here. I should’ve been more careful with him and his feelings. Liam was so up front with me from the get-go, and I took thatand ran with it because it made me feel safe and cared for. I hate myself for how I let things get so far away from me.
