“Well, you think about it then,” I casually say, grabbing my purse. “I’m a nurse, so I know all the things. Well, notallthe things, but you know… I know things.”
His eyes narrow and I know my poorly worded sentence doesn’t give him a whole lot of confidence.
“Let me rephrase that so I sound like a competent adult who is able to watch your child… I’m happy to help. And we both know that this is important for Abby. Don’t be stubborn right now.”
He knows I’m right. I wouldn’t be this pushy with just anyone, but I love Abby and I know how badly she wants this. Helping him out is also in a way helping her. She doesn’t need the added stress of trying to cater to her brother’s needs all the time.
Both hands skim his hair for the third time and he leans back in the stool as he sighs, nodding his head at Abby and then looking at me.
“So, you’d be like a nanny?” He cringes at the word, and I nearly do the same, shaking my head back and forth.
“No, oh God, no. I have a job that I love and I don’t want your money. You let me know when you need help and I’ll help. Just like Abby does. I usually know the days I work pretty far inadvance, so we’ll work it out from there.” Feeling Chase’s glare nearly burning through me, I risk looking directly at him.
I understand this isn’t ideal for him, but he had to know that Abby wasn’t a long term solution. Plus, her reason for being unavailable isn’t something she can really control. His reservations are warranted, but whatever I need to do to earn his trust, I’ll do it. And I really enjoy being with CeCe. She’s fun and silly and she’s creative and it makes me feel like I can be those things too, even though I’m twenty-eight and should probably be opening up an IRA… or at the very least, figuring out what that is and why I need it.
No one has said a word in what feels like the longest thirty seconds ever and the house is quiet as we’re all gathered around the island. Both of us glancing at Abby as if we’re waiting for her to say something, anything.
Chase’s body is stiff, giving away his reluctance, but this actually might be good for him. It might help him loosen up a little bit and learn to let himself lean on someone else for help every now and then. It might backfire for me, of course. Spending more time around him with my track record will probably only make me fall even more in love with him. But I’ve grown used to admiring from afar, so what’s another decade of being in love with someone I can never have?
“Fine,” he says with a sigh. “We’ll try it out.”
“Great, my next appointment is Wednesday afternoon, so I can be here in the morning and then Summer, if you can take over?” Abby perks up with our verbal agreement in place.
“I’m already off on Wednesday, so… I guess I’ll see you then, boss.”
“Don’t call me that.” Chase’s head spins so fast to scold me and a feeling of excitement spurs at the edge in his voice.
I’d love to say I’m excited to clean out my closet this morning, but I’m not. I feel an overwhelming sense of dread knowing that I have to sift through items and decide if I want to save them or donate them. I’ve been putting this off for weeks, but finally decided today is the day.
Growing up, I’ve always loved clothes and fashion. I’d spend weekends at the mall and in different boutiques, always looking for something that was a standout piece. My closet and dresser are packed to the brim—explaining why I’m dreading having to sort through everything. My love for clothes hasn’t changed with age, but my body has. I’m not ashamed I’m not the same size as I was back in high school; hell, I shouldn’t still look like I’m eighteen when I’m closer to thirty.
Having thighs and hips, a bigger bust and maybe a little extra around the edges has never felt like an issue for me. And confidence isn’t something I generally lack. I’ve alwaysembraced the body I was given. Sure, I’m not as thin as Abby or as tiny as Mia, but I’ve never been those things. I’ve always been a little taller and curvier, but it wasn’t until recently that I started to wonder if maybe that wasn’t actually as great as I used to think.
Drew basically stopped touching me toward the end of our relationship and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind that maybe my body was no longer desirable for him. But I refuse to let the opinion of one very small-minded man dictate how I view my body. If I workout, it’s because I like the feeling of it, the high afterward, and the strength I feel. And it will have nothing to do with trying to make someone like him want me.
I’ve spent all morning tucked away in my closet, barely making a dent, but now that it’s nearly two o’clock, I have to get myself ready to head over to Chase’s. I’ve been living in this oversized t-shirt all day and while I wish it were acceptable to walk the streets in this and nothing more, I don’t havethatlevel of confidence. But as I stand here looking at thousands of dollars’ worth of clothing, all I can think of is, wow I havenothingto wear.
Sighing, I grab a pair of distressed denim overalls, pulling them up over my thighs before grabbing a yellow tank top and tossing that on as well.
Overalls, I say to myself with a laugh. When was the last time anyone saw me in these?
CeCe and I have spent the last hour coloring pictures out of this giant coloring book. When she brought the book out to the living room it was nearly as tall as her. She’s so into arts and crafts, which I love. Her creativity is nonstop and her imagination islimitless. I’ve been around kids so much in the last few years with my job and then between CeCe and Mia’s boys, it’s given me such an appreciation for how their minds work. I joke that even though I’m the adult in the situation, I always feel like I’m the one who is learning. I think there’s something to be said about how filterless kids are. Sure, sometimes it’s absolutely hilarious to hear what they think about things, but a lot of the time it’s actually pretty thought provoking. Being asked “why” a bunch of times eventually makes you think about a question more thoroughly.
There’s an ungodly amount of crayons spilling out of her crayon box on the floor as we finish up and even some markers and colored pencils. Chase really doesn’t hold back when it comes to enabling her artsy side, it’s like he bought out an entire store here. Some of the crayons have glitter and sparkles and some are even ombré colored. There are a handful of markers that are supposed to be scented; although, they all just smell like regular markers to me. I had high hopes for the one called strawberry shortcake, but it didn’t live up to my expectations.
“How’d I do?” I ask, holding up my picture just as I hear a door close and then heavy footsteps coming from behind me. CeCe takes off running toward the kitchen.
The low rasp of Chase’s voice breaks the silence as he greets her and she immediately starts telling him all about her day. I stand to my feet, placing the picture I colored on the end table near the couch and walk over to the island where Chase is now standing holding CeCe. My heart starts to race and my stomach does somersaults as I watch him interact with her. This always happens when I see him in dad mode, it’s one of the few times he looks genuinely happy and it’s intoxicating to watch him light up like he does around her. His usual face is so stoic and a little… sad looking sometimes, but when he’s around her, he shines.
Growing up, Chase was pretty outgoing and he was social—or at least more than he is now. Kristen hardened him. She hurt not just him, but the most important person in his life and sometimes I think he still isn’t over it. Overher,yes, but the situation—what she did and how she did it—no. She took his ability to see the good in people and I don’t know when he’ll get that back.
“Did everything go okay? She seems to be feeling much better.” His face becomes indifferent when he looks my way.
“Yeah, everything was great. She seems to be in much better spirits, so I’m sure those antibiotics are doing their job. We actually spent the majority of the time coloring. My masterpiece is on the end table if you’d like to hang it on the fridge.” I smile, and he cracks the tiniest smirk as he nods, pulling his feet out of his shoes and placing his phone and keys on the island.
A small breath of relief leaves his chest now that he’s home and sees CeCe is, in fact, alive and well. I don’t take his lack of trust or conversation personally. It’s who he’s become in the last few years. Except around CeCe, of course. He’s tired, you can tell. Doing everything on his own takes a toll on him, but he’d never actually admit it to anyone.
“Why don’t you go get cleaned up for dinner?” Chase ruffles CeCe’s hair before she skips down the hall and he turns on the sink.
