“So, did Nate rope all of you into helping him with that building?” Mia asks, a desperate attempt to change the subject of Kristen up and leaving her two-month old baby.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Abby crosses her arms over her chest as Ford kisses her cheek.
“I slaved in there, Clarky.”
“Well, thank you, Liam,” she jokes, reaching a hand to pat him on the shoulder.
Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite holidays. There’s no pressure, you just come in, wear your stretchy pants, eat a shit ton of food and watch football all day. A damn dream if you ask me.
The girls set the table while Ford carves the turkey and I check on the rest of the food, making sure everything is ready to go before we sit down. I have so much to be thankful for, but the most prevalent thing is the people in this room. Specifically, the tiny brunette who I used to pretend was just my friend. As we take a seat next to one another, Mia’s hand lands on my thigh and I look over at her, smiling. I mouth “I love you” just before everyone digs in and at this moment, everything feels right. Everything feels perfect. And I know all the struggles and insecurities I've faced and still the ones yet to come, won’t be nearly as tough with Mia by my side.
“Hi, Nate.” Demi gives me a hug as I step in front of the cameras with her. There’s a chair for her and one for me in a darkened room with spotlights pointing at the chairs in the center.
We sit down across from one another and I bring my left ankle over my knee, trying to get myself comfortable. I met with the team therapist again earlier today. So, it’s big day for talking about feelings.
Bex was able to get most of the dialogue that Demi wanted to discuss ahead of time, just to make sure there wouldn’t be anything too far into left field that we’d have to diffuse later. Even though I don’t expect anything shady from Demi.
She tells me the cameras are going to start rolling and I reach for the water bottle beside me, taking a quick sip and wipe my hands on my jeans.
“Nate, this is the first time you’re sitting down with someone since you’ve been back on the Knights after your absence. Can you walk us through what happened that day against Philadelphia?”
I nod my head after a deep breath and begin to break down everything that happened that day. How I felt leading up the game, the moments before the hit, all of it.
“I told my best friend that something was going on. I couldn’t explain it, but something wasn’t right and I needed to step away from all of it to try to get a hold of it. So I left.”
“You were gone for three weeks?” Demi’s eyes stay focused on me the entire time.
Nodding my head, I answer. “I went back home. I spent time with my family, with my best friend. I spent time with myself. I had a hard time even communicating what I was going through because I didn’t understand it. It was like I lost touch of things. The time away helped me re-center myself, I almost relearned how to be just me. Not the football player. But just Nate.”
Demi nods along with me, almost looking sorry for me.
“I hated leaving the guys like that, but honestly I was more of a liability to them than an asset, and I couldn’t put them at risk because of my mental state. I’m a work in progress. I didn’tfind the magic button or anything like that, I’m still working on myself every day. But I have a better vision now, a purpose and I plan on doing some good with what I’ve learned.”
Demi sits up straighter in the chair and I watch her fingers twist her engagement ring on her hand. “I’ve also struggled with anxiety, as I know a lot of people do. Of course, the levels are much different for someone in your position. But can you describe the way it felt for you? I’m sure there are so many athletes who probably feel similarly.”
“Suffocating. Blurred. Downright debilitating.” My throat clears before I continue. “I felt weak and I felt anger and frustration that I couldn’t get a hold of things. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I tried like hell to hide it, to ignore all of it. I was ashamed. Until that game when I knew I couldn’t hide it anymore.”
“I know the team is happy to have you back. We all are. Talking about this takes courage, and I know we’re all proud of you for starting this conversation around the league. What kind of advice do you have for anyone who is also having this experience?”
I pause briefly, as a million things come to my mind, but one stands out above the rest.
“Find someone you trust and tell them. Talk about it. Don’t suffer in silence because you’re too ashamed to say you need help. Start somewhere. There’s help out there, you just have to admit you want it. We have to talk about it. I know in this sport we want to be seen as tough competitors, but we still have the same struggles as anyone else.”
“You’re right. Thank you, Nate,” Demi says in a sweet voice, and the lights dim as the cameras click off and she lets out a deep sigh.
“Thank you for letting me interview you about this. I think what you have to say is really important and I’m glad you spoke up.”
I wrap Demi into a hug before she turns to another member of the crew.
As I turn, Mia’s waiting in the back behind the cameras for me. Her brown hair in a French braid with a pair of bright pink leggings and a black crew neck sweater hanging over her.
“Proud of you,” she whispers as I sling my arm over her shoulder and walk us out.
My healing journey wouldn’t have even begun without the belief that Mia instills in me. Even on the days I feel like shit she builds me up. She’ll admit when things are tough, but always helps me see the silver lining. She’s a helper to her core, the kind of person I want my kids to look up to. She’s my eternal sunshine and I’m so glad that we found our way out of the friend zone, because this right here is exactly what I want.
My purpose.
My future.
