Dating has been non-existent for me for the last year. I’ve tried to find men I could make a connection with, but nothing ever sticks. I want to be in love. I want all of the romance and the comfort that comes with finding your person. But admittedly, I’m terrified of commitment. I’m terrified of trusting someone with all the vulnerable parts of myself only for them to up and leave, to decide they don’t want it. So, a real, true relationship is something I’ve never actually had. I’ve never taken the chance.The only man I truly trust is Nate, and there’s no romance happening there.
I send Summer a series of emojis and then lock my phone before starting another episode ofFriends. My mind drifts to the conversation I had with Nate earlier and all I want to do is figure out ways I can help him, be there for him. I know he’s under a lot of pressure. I just didn’t realize it was becoming so hard on him and that he was struggling so much.
The episode ofFriendsgrabs my attention when Chandler’s character comes into the picture. He’s easily my favorite and who I’d probably relate to the most. You know, crappy childhood, parents who are barely there, leaning on humor as a coping mechanism. Oh, and also the one who is afraid that they’ll end up alone forever. That’d be me.
It’s the one where Chandler tells Monica that she is, in fact, high maintenance, but he likes maintaining her and it instantly makes my heart swoon. This show constantly teeters my emotions between laughing out loud to teary eyed back to laughing all within a thirty-minute time span.
Being in love with someone who you also consider one of your best friends sounds great in theory, but what happens if you break up? Where does that leave the friendship? If you ask me, dating your best friend is just too risky… even if sometimes your mind wanders.
A few months ago, I made a commitment to Ford that I’d attend his charity dinner for the downtown Rec Center, and even give a speech. That version of Nate is the bane of my existence, because the me standing in my closet right now, mulling over suit options really doesn’t want to fucking go.
“Should I wear black or blue?”
“Go with blue. The navy will look good with your eyes,” Mia says firmly.
When I look over my shoulder at her through the FaceTime call, she isn’t even looking at me or the suits. I watch her as she’s leaned forward on her yoga mat, head down and arms outstretched in front of her.
“With the snakeskin tie? Perfect.”
“Wait, what?” Her head darts up and she moves slightly closer to the screen.
“Aha, see, you weren’t even looking.” A quick smile curves on my lips. Something that’s been forced lately, except for when I’m around Mia.
She sits back and rolls her dark brown eyes at me. “Oh my gosh. But I don’t need to look at you to know what color would look best between black and blue. If you want my vote, it’s for blue.”
I let out a sigh before turning off the closet light. Swinging the door shut behind me, I grab the phone from where it’s propped up on the nightstand and look at her through the screen. Her knees are underneath her as she crosses her arms over her chest. I’m pretty sure I can see a honey mustard stain on the t-shirt she’s wearing. I know it’s not regular mustard, she hates the stuff. If I had to guess, I’d say she ate a turkey, lettuce and tomato sandwich for lunch and dipped it in the honey mustard. Mia’s the most predictable person I know.
“And you’re sure you don’t mind coming with me? You don’t technically have to.” My hand runs through my hair before I rub my eyes with my palm.
“I’m sure. I told Abby I’d help out. Plus, you need someone to heckle you from the back while you give your speech.” She scrunches her nose before reaching out towards the phone. “I do need to run though so I’ll see you later. I’m not sure what I’m wearing yet, but now that I know you’re wearing blue, it makes it easier so we can coordinate a little.”
My eyebrow cocks up at her through the screen. “That’s a little premature, don’t you think? I don’t remember agreeing to the blue.”
“Right, of course. Bye, Nate,” she says sarcastically with a smirk and waves me off.
“Change your t-shirt!” I shout into the phone, not sure if she caught it or not before the call ended.
I appreciate Mia not treating me like I’m some broken mess after the pity party I threw for myself the other night. She’s acting completely normal, just how we’ve always been and it’s somehow bringing me out of my funk slightly. I didn’t go into that night with the intention of telling her anything, but Mia has this way sometimes of just pulling things out of me without even trying. Her presence alone makes me want to just open up and I always feel better just being near her.
Time has been flying this evening. Mia’s standing at the bar and I watch her clink her drink with someone to her left and then her attention is stolen by a familiar face. Connor Hughes, shortstop for the Tampa Angels baseball team has pulled up a seat next to her. I watch her laugh from across the room. His hand rests on the small of her back as he guides her into the chair beside him and he orders her a drink.
Tequila. Club soda. A couple lime slices.I think to myself as I watch the bartender place the drink down in front of her.
She looks beautiful tonight. Mia always looks beautiful. Even in her workout clothes or oversized stained t-shirts with no makeup, hair in a ball on top of her head… she’s a natural beauty. Mia never dresses up like this, though. I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen her really dolled up, but she knows how to turn it up when she wants to. The light pink dress she chose looks like it was custom made for her small frame and with one shoulder completely exposed, you can see her sun-kissed skin.
I continue to watch her interact with Connor. He’s a nice guy, he lives in my building actually. I like him, so why is my jaw clenching and my hand balling into a fist? I lift the golden liquidin my glass to my lips and take a sip, just watching Mia charm her way through their conversation.
I’m not surprised he’s taken by her. Everyone loves Mia Clark, she’s a ray of goddamn sunshine.
The first night I met Mia is a moment I’ve held onto for years. Something branded in my memory. She was wearing black leggings and a giant sweater that her body was swimming in. Her smile was contagious, but it was her familiar brown eyes that really got me. Something in them just made me feel at home.
The freckles on her nose weren’t covered in makeup. Her dark eyelashes fanned over her cheekbones as she stood next to me. Her first comment was complimenting my hair, it was a bit longer at the time. I remember laughing, just full-blown belly laughing with her. She just instantly felt like someone I’d known my whole life, instead of a random girl I met that same night.
I was lucky to stumble into her friendship that night. It’s something I’m thankful for every single day. Standing next to her in that living room all those years ago, singing ridiculous karaoke, felt like the beginning of something I’d be cherishing my whole life.
“She looks good.” Liam’s presence takes me out of my own head and I turn towards him with a stare. “Are you ever going to do anything about it?” he asks as he leans over, his voice low.
My hand grips my glass a little tighter and I feel a pinch of annoyance creeping up my throat.
