“Yeah, well, I tried it.” I avert my gaze away from him. “Touching myself, I mean.”
“Poppy…” Jett says my name as a warning, as if the sheer mention of me touching myself is dangerous. He purses his lips and exhales a long, slow breath.
“I liked it,” I admit, knowing full well my cheeks must be beet red. “I want more of it, okay?”
“Okay…” Now he takes a sharp inhale, readying himself for what I’m about to say. I’m sure he’s connected the dots.
“And I need help.” I rush out. “I felt… clumsy and awkward. But it was good… so good, and I want to know how to make it better. I want to experience it with someone else.”
I keep my eyes glued to my hands, fiddling with the hem of my sweater. But the silence after what I’ve just said is killing me, so I glance up at Jett. He moves his head from side to side, thinking.
“The first time, Poppy, that’s a big deal,” is all he says.
But it’s notno.
“I think I’ve made it out in my head to be a bigger deal than it needs to be,” I admit.
I’ve been waiting for the moment to be just right, to have the kind of relationship I know I deserve. I waited so long that my hope of ever finding it had started to crack.
But what if it’s okay to just have it be with someone who knows me, who sees me, who has no ulterior motive or expectations?
“You don’t think it could complicate the agreement?” Jett asks.
“I just want practice, nothing more. I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on this thing that everyone around me keeps talking about. I’m tired of feeling like it’ll never be my turn. I’ve felt what it’s like to be brave now, to step out of my comfort zone, to experience life. And now I want all of it.”
“We’ve only ever kissed,” Jett says. “You can’t just go from zero to a hundred”
“What if all I’ve thought about since then has been those kisses?” I force myself to keep looking at him, even though the heat of his stare is igniting me from the inside out. “I kind of wondered if you’ve been thinking about it, too.”
“What makes you say that?” He asks, a smirk toying with his lips. His eyes glimmer, and the intensity of his gaze makes it hard to breathe.
“Because every time you look at me, I see your eyes linger on my mouth. I see how your breathing gets deeper. How your eyelids get heavier. You do that mirroring thing.”
I gesture to the way Jett has assumed the same position as me on the couch, knees up, his forearms wrapped around them. Suddenly, he shifts, moving closer to me, hands reaching for my thighs so he can drag me closer. I’m almost straddling him now, our faces only inches apart.
“You got me,” Jett murmurs into the space between us.
My breathing slows and becomes deeper, as if being affected by his gravitational pull.
“You’re right. All I’ve wanted to do since we got married was kiss you again. Fuck, I want to do so much more with you.”
Jett brings his hand to cup the nape of my neck, and I dip my head so my mouth grazes his ear.
“You’d want that? To help me practice?” I whisper.
His fingers twine in my hair, gently tugging my head back so I have to meet his gaze.
“Kiss me, wife. And I’ll show you all the perks of being married to me.”
Jett brings my face down to his, our mouths colliding. It’s the same as the other times before, but also new, like there’s a charge in the air. The charge of anticipation, excitement.
Unlike the other kisses we shared, this one feels… uninhibited. There’s always been a kind of reservedness behind our kissing, like we’re both holding a piece of ourselves back.
When Jett kissed me after our wedding it was the closest we’d come to untethered passion, but there was still something keeping us from letting go, from giving in. Something that made Jett put me down and go back to his room. I never knew what that piece was until last night.
Now, I understand. It’s the part of me that always hungered for more. Always wanted and was never fully satiated. The part of myself I never tended to until now.
Jett kisses me as though he sees that part of me and wants to give me everything I’ve never had.
