I was grateful that at eighteen I had the strength to ask for help when I thought I needed it, and long before I ever hit rock bottom. There are countless stories of people who never find what they need and spend their life searching for the bottom of the bottle. Seeing Susan only illuminated the path that would be so easy for me to slip into. Learning to live with the tendencies that could lead to addiction was an everyday battle, but one that would always be worth the struggle.
She hesitated for a second, and I braced myself for another snarky comment. Instead, she stormed off down the sidewalk. I waited until her entire frame was gone from view before I turned back to Lennon. She’d brought her glass up and was draining every ounce that was left from her drink. “Lennon, what she said, itwas...” She held her hand up to stop me and shot me a look that would have most men cowering.
“Don’t even think about apologizing, Theodore. You know better than most people than to apologize for anything that woman says,” she snapped out.
I’ll admit I loved it when she used my full name, just not necessarily when she was irritated at me. The wind had picked up again. For a restaurant on Main Street, it was eerily quiet, so all I heard was the rustling of the trees overhead. She pulled her bottom lip in and as she worked something over in her mind. It didn’t take long for her to start talking again.
“I stopped talking to my mom shortly after you left. I moved out of her house, brought Abby with me after she graduated so she wouldn’t have to face her alone, and never looked back. Of course, with Fairvale being Fairvale, we see each other every once in a while.”
She paused and looked past me, down the street where her mother had been. “I can’t fix her, as much as I wish I could, and the issues that she has are not my responsibility. It took me a long time to come to terms with that, because no matter how much she hurts me, she’s still my mother.” Her chest heaved. “There’s always room for forgiveness. She just needs to ask for it. Until then, I can’t have her in my life.” There were no words of comfort I could offer her. Instead, I did what I used to do. I pulled her into me, wrapped my arms around her, and held her.
One of the first times she called me to keep her company after going at it with Susan, I tried to talk her through it. I didn’t knowwhat else to do. There was nothing I could say would remove the sting of rejection. Until it dawned on me to ask what she needed. “Can you just hold me?” she would ask through the tears, rage, or any other emotion that was coursing through her. My answer was always the same—anything for you.
Seventeen years later, we sat in one of our favorite spots, doing the same thing we would do as teenagers. I kissed the top of her head and breathed in her familiar scent before she pulled away. There were no signs of tears, and I didn’t know if that made me proud or sad. I made a mental note to call my mom after this.
There was only a lingering look of defeat in her sapphire eyes when. For as long as I’d known her, she’s had to be strong for herself and for her sister, in order to get through life. She would pile the weight of the world on her back until Atlas himself would have nothing left to carry. Not once did she think that maybe it was too heavy for one person or that she should ask for help. My guess was that since Camden died, it had only gotten worse, but she would never have to carry the burden of being strong by herself again.
“Do you want to go on an assignment with me?” Maybe not the smoothest segue, but I’d do anything to get her to smile at me again. “It’s not for another month, but I’d really like for you to come with me.”
“You have a thing for getting me to crash your work trips, don’t you?” She flashed me a smile, and all was right again. Without thinking, I leaned in for another kiss, and it was quite possibly my favorite thing to not have to think about anymore. “Anywhere I amis where I want you.” My hand trailed down her arm, goosebumps erupted over her skin in my hands wake, and landed on her hip.
Lennon was clear that she wasn’t ready for anything more physical at this time, but it didn’t stop my thoughts from jumping to visions of her lying beneath me or thoughts of how her hair would be splayed out over a pillow next to me. I reluctantly pulled away so that I could get an answer.
“I will if you will do something for me?” she asked me while pulling at her fingers. I wanted to tell her I would do anything; all she had to do was ask. “Will you come to dinner with Charlotte and me?” Hope and fear swirled together in her eyes as she waited for an answer. “She is the closest thing I have to a real mother, and it would mean a lot to me if you two could meet.” I struggled to clear the desert that was suddenly occupying my throat.
Camden was like a figment of my imagination at this point. Obviously, he existed, but all that I knew of him was what he meant to Lennon. Meeting his mother would make him real, and this woman could make or break everything we had been working towards. She could take one look at me and decide I was no good for Lennon, and I would be left powerless to convince her otherwise.
Lennon continued to watch me as I wrestled with my answer, but it was no use. “Just tell me when, and I’ll be there.” She smiled, and I swallowed all my worries.
“Where are we going?” she asked as she shifted her chair back to the opposite side of the table. “Not far, Castello Di Amorosa. It’s about two hours from here. They built the winery to be a replica of a 14th century Tuscan castle—it’s incredible. We can do a tastingtour while we’re there. I think you’ll love it.” Her face lit up as I gave her a brief description of the winery.
“How have I lived this close to that place and never heard of it?” she exclaimed while looking at her phone. The details I was giving were clearly not enough, as she started pulling up photos for a better look. “It’s beautiful, the castle and the grounds, all of it. I can’t wait.”
Score one for me.
She was still scrolling through their website when she looked up suddenly. “Do you want to stay down there for the night?” It was suddenly very hard to swallow as I choked on the swig of water I was taking when she asked.
“I um... I... I didn’t have plans since it’s so close, but we can if you’d like?” Stammering out this sentence wasn’t exactly exuding the amount of confidence I wished it was. I was also feeling a tiny bit self-conscious, like she could see the prior thoughts that were just flashing through my head.
“I think we should stay. I can make the reservation if that works for you?”
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat. “Yeah, that’s good.”
“And is one room, one bed okay with you, too, Theo?” My eyebrows shot to my hairline as I gawked at her before I reeled it back in. “Really?”
“Really, Theodore.” This was when I liked hearing her say my full name. We sat for a beat longer, staring at each other, before she arched an eyebrow at me. The slow movement caused a thousand more images of Lennon and me in more compromising positionsthan just her under me that were going to be burned into my conscious thoughts.
This was going to be a long month.
thirty
Theo
The last time Iwas this nervous was when I had to tell my parents I thought I had a drinking problem at the age of eighteen. The fear of rejection swam through my veins and was hard to shake. Lennon and I were meeting Charlotte at her house for dinner. I would rather be in a restaurant and on neutral ground, but she insisted.
“Stop fidgeting, you look fine.” Lennon laughed at me as I adjusted my jacket for the tenth time. She reached up and placed a chaste kiss on my cheek, but that only did so much to calm me. We approached the large oak door, and, for a brief moment, I thought about running. I’d built Charlotte up in my head to be a person who had already decided I was not good enough for Lennon. That no one could ever take her son’s place and she would spend the entire night talking only about Camden. Then, by the end of it,Lennon would realize that I was not the man for her. My stomach turned just thinking about it.
The door swung open, and I was greeted by a woman with short straw-colored hair and a smile that touched her eyes. She pulled Lennon in for a hug before turning towards me. “Charlotte, I’d like you to meet my…” She trailed off for a second—was going to say boyfriend? It seemed like she was, so what was stopping her? I’d be anything she wanted. “My… Theo,” she finished her thought, and I was fine being just hers.
