It was all filler conversation people felt compelled to say while they looked at me with eyes full of sorrow. A better place would be a world with Camden alive and with me. A good life would have been a long life together. Anything less than the life we had planned was clearly a mistake, and they had been reminding me constantly.
This had to be a mistake.
I softened my grip on Abigail’s dress, dropping my head onto her shoulder. My breathing steadied as I stood there, unmoving, as she rubbed small circles on my back. Before I pulled myself away, the words “What’s the point anymore?” fell from my lips so softly that I was sure Abigail didn’t hear me. She regarded me with careful eyes as I pulled myself upright and brushed my tear-stained cheeks with the back of my hands. A weak smile tugged at my lips, but my eyes didn’t crinkle like it used to, and I didn’t think they ever would.
I drew in a steading breath and again stuffed everything back down. “Let’s get the rest of this day over with,” I said and started back to her car after taking note that our friends and family were gone from the gravesite and likely on their way back to my house. I squeezed my eyes shut and took another deep breath.
Just a few more hours and it would all be over, and I could go back to—not normal, but something other than whatever this was.
“I love you,” Abigail called out, causing me to turn back and face her.
Her appearance matched my own. Even in my damaged state, there was still a pull in my chest to comfort my younger sister. “I love you, too,” I replied. A simple statement of fact, but not one we often spoke aloud. It didn’t matter how many years passed, there were still times I looked at her and saw the small girl I spent my life protecting. She slipped her hand into my outstretched one without a second thought. Our heels clicked against the pavement as we walked in sync toward the car.
Nothing about me would be the same after this.
How could it be?
Camden blew into my life during a time when nothing in this world seemed to go my way. He was the light that illuminated every dark crevasse that carved its way through my body. With him gone, I was a black hole devouring even the smallest beams of light, until I was left blind and in the dark. I would never be able to get back what I lost in Camden.
After all the people left, food filled my refrigerator, and I stopped experiencing feelings hours prior. I was drained of what little energy I had left. My sister and our closest friend Carina were the only ones who remained in my home. They found me sitting on the edge of my bed, too exhausted to even remove my dress, as I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. Together, they gently tucked me under my covers and crawled in beside me. Thechill that had been permeating my bones, threatening to freeze me from the inside out, lessened as they wrapped me in their arms and whispered promises of survival.
two
Lennon
My ceiling fan neededto be dusted. I had been lying on my bed staring at the blades while they slowly turned in circles for the past hour when the front door creaked open. “Good morning!” A voice shouted out from the entryway. My arm stretched out over the empty space next to me and gripped the blankets that laid undisturbed on the side of the bed he used to occupy. If I could fall back asleep I would, I would do anything to get this day over with.
It didn’t take a psychic to know that my sister was going to show up today, but that didn’t stop me from being annoyed by it. A groan escaped as I tossed the covers over my face. It had been two years to the day since Camden died.
Two years, and my heart still sat in my chest, cleaved into pieces. Every day, I missed him. Every day, I woke up hoping this had allbeen a dream. And every day, dread took up space in the pit of my stomach when I remembered that this, in fact, was my real life.
“Lennon?” Abigail’s voice carried down the hallway as I waited for the squeak of her sneakers to get closer.
“I’m in here. It’s eight in the morning. Where else would I be?” My voice was muffled by the thick blanket covering my face. I could sense her lingering in my doorway, likely taking in the shape of my covered body.
“What are you doing?” she laughed.
“Clearly wallowing in self-pity, Abby,” I snapped, and the bed dipped as she joined me. I didn’t really mean for the words to sound as harsh as they did, but honestly, what type of answer was she looking for? Abigail drew the blanket down to look at me with a raised brow.
“I’m just trying tofigureout what type of situation I’m going to be dealing with today.” I couldn’t place the emotion in her voice; it was a mix of amusement and something I couldn’t quite decipher. Pity maybe?
“Remember, this doesn’t have to be a bad day. We can do anything you’d like to do.”
Definitely pity, it’s always pity.
On the first anniversary of Camden being gone, I had myself quite the party when I secluded myself in my home that I shared with no one but my cat. It started with a champagne breakfast and ended with a vodka dinner. The day had passed in a drunken blur as I cried more times than I could count while looking over a photo montage that had inconveniently generated itself on my phone ofCamden and me. I vaguely remembered Abigail showing up to tuck me into bed at some point after all her calls and texts had gone unanswered.
“I don’t have any plans, and I don’t anticipate a repeat performance of last year. The hangover alone was enough to make me never want to drink again.” I nearly gagged thinking of the memory.
We laid side by side in silence for a little while longer as Abigail’s eyes scanned the room. Nothing had changed in the past two years. Our wedding photo still sat on the shelf and Camden’s clothes still hung in the closet. His nightstand still held the watch I bought him for his last birthday, and the dish that had collected his day’s change still had exactly two dollars and seventy-three cents. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to move anything; it was as if the room was in a standstill.
On days when loneliness crept in too far, I could pretend I was expecting him to return home and climb into bed with me at the end of the day.
I was living in a time capsule, and I didn’t know how to get out. I didn’t even know if I wanted out.
“Do you want to go shopping?” Abigail questioned.
I rolled over so that we were face to face. “Nope,” I said, popping the sound for flare.
