The room goes quiet. Even Shai doesn’t seem to know how to respond to that. What the fuck would it be like to see Shai and Cillian play together, to do this thing they both love so much, that they both feel deep inside them.
Cillian looks at Ollie, then me, then Shai. I see the internal struggle, part of him wanting to do this, while the other part is scared of what it might mean, especially after what we shared earlier.
“Did I say something wrong?” Zuri asks.
“I think we’re just trying to figure out what kind of playing you mean,” I tease, hoping to lighten the mood.
Dean sits forward. “Wait, have you guys all fucked?”
“No,” Cillian answers, then to Shai, “We can if you want. The music, I mean.”
Ollie’s smile tries to take over his face, and I’m fairly certain mine is doing the same.
Shai seems dumbfounded for a second, like he can’t find the words to respond, before he clears his throat. “Yeah, that’d be cool. Let me go get my guitar.”
He runs upstairs, and while he’s gone, everyone starts turning the furniture around so we can sit and watch. I scoot close to Cillian, the two of us far enough from the rest of them that we won’t be overheard.
“You sure?” I ask.
“Yes.” He nods. “He’s good to you. You’re happy.” Cillian shrugs. “I like him.”
I chuckle. A month ago, I couldn’t have imagined him saying that. “He told me he loves me.”
“Did you say it back?”
I shake my head.
“Why not?” His brows draw together.
“I’m still confused.”
“You do,” he tells me, threading his fingers through theback of my hair, pulling me close, our foreheads touching. “You do, Ror. You’re just afraid, and I get that, but it’s in there, and one day, you’ll just know it.” He seems to hesitate, then says, “I thought he would take you away from us.”
“He won’t.”
“That’s the only reason he’s still breathing.”
There’s no doubt in my mind he’s telling the truth.
Shai comes back, and Cillian kisses my forehead before taking a seat on the piano bench. They pulled up a chair beside it for Shai.
“This is big, isn’t it?” Shai asks me.
“Yes.” Cillian once told me that when he talked to Tiernan about Ollie, T told him that Ollie was ours because he’s Cillian’s and Cillian is ours. Tiernan has been showing us that he feels the same about Shai. Cil too, and this is another step in that direction for him. But even more than that, Cillian being willing to play with Shai is cementing that Cil has his own connection with Shai. Because Shai is mine, because he loves me, because I don’t think a world could exist where my and Cillian’s lives aren’t completely entangled, which means the lives of the people we claim must be as well.
“I love you.” Shai presses his lips to mine, then walks over to the chair and sits. He and Cillian talk quietly for a moment, I assume settling on something to play.
Cillian starts, a tune I can’t place drifting up from the piano. Like many things he plays, there’s a sadness to it, a deepness. It takes a few minutes for Shai to join in, eyes closed, like he’sfeelingthe music. He doesn’t open his eyes when his fingers begin plucking at the strings, moving along the frets. While Cillian is reading music, Shai obviously isn’t. He seems to be feeling out what Cillian is playing, matching him as best as he can but adding his own spin on the melody. It’s angsty and sad, but somehow not, like there’s a build-upfrom this deep, dark place and the music is climbing higher and higher. And they fit together, like the song is supposed to be played this way, one highlighting the other—my best friend and this man who has changed my world, who’s made me want things I never thought I would want, a relationship when that had never been in the cards for me. I never thought I would want someone that way, and I certainly never thought someone would want me that way, but he does.
They do this through several songs, synchronized like they’re dancing, like they’re writing music together. The couch dips beside me, Ollie nuzzling close. I wrap my arm around him, kiss the top of his head, watch Shai so lost in what he’s doing, one with the music.
“They’re beautiful,” Ollie tells me, echoing what I told Shai about him and Cillian.
“They are.”
When they finish, Cillian playing his last few notes, Shai lingers, finally opening his eyes, looking at me, watching me, as he continues creating his own music. And when I smile, he does too, my heart doing this weird…how do I even word it? Like it’s not under my control, like it’s trying to float away. Is that it? Is that what love is?
When Shai finishes his last chords, Ash and Zuri clap. Cillian rolls his eyes, but he’s pleased.
