“How did you know you loved Ollie?”
He quirks a brow. “You go from talking about killing Shai’s mom to that?”
“I don’t really want to kill her. I just want her to be better to him.”
He smiles. “I know you do.” Cillian pulls the car into our driveway but doesn’t drive down it, instead putting the car in Park. “So, love, huh?”
“I’m not saying I do,” I rush out. “I just…don’t get it. I watch you and Ollie together, and T and Dean—but mostly you and Ollie—trying to understand it, trying to figure it out, but I can’t.”
He frowns. “It’s not something you can just figure out. It’s not the same for everyone, and I’m not sure I’m the best person to answer this.”
I shrug because he’s whom I want to answer it. “I trust you. I can feel how much you love Ollie when the three of us are together. I just can’t tell if that’s what I feel myself.”
“Okay. Let’s see.” He unclicks his seat belt and turns toward me. “I don’t think you can rush it or force yourself to feel it or even realize you feel it. Like with Ollie—and I told Shai this already; in a fucking car too, for that matter—I knew Ollie was different from the beginning, just didn’t get why.”
“How did you make yourself get it, though?”
“I didn’t. It just happened. You can feel it before youacknowledge it, I think. And when you’re ready, when it builds up, so powerful that you can’t deny it anymore, then you just know.”
“I just know? You fucking suck at this,” I tease, and Cillian laughs.
“I told you I wouldn’t be good at it.”
But he is because what he said makes me feel better, like maybe I’m not quite as broken as I thought. “I just worry I’m not like everyone else. That I don’t feel shit the same way. I know I love you, Ollie, Tiernan, and Ash. I think I love Dean because he makes Tiernan happy. But that’s not the same as loving someone you fuck, someone who’s your boyfriend. What if I’m unable to do that?”
Cillian shakes his head. “You’re better at love than you think. For what it’s worth, I think you do love him, and you’re good to him, and when the moment is right, you’ll realize it.”
I groan. “I fucking hate waiting.”
Cillian laughs. “You’re an impatient fuck.”
He’s not wrong. “I want to love him.”
“Pretty sure you do.”
He puts the car in Drive, and a minute later, parks in front of the house. When we walk in, Ollie and Shai look up from where they’re sitting on the floor. Ollie has Shai’s guitar in his lap, and he grins.
“He’s teaching me to play,” Ollie says.
“Trying,” Shai corrects.
“Hey! I’m good!” Ollie counters.
“We’re working on it,” Shai adds.
Cillian walks over, kneels, and says, “You’re good at everything, Kitten.”
“Fucking gag,” I tease. I actually love how sweet and soft Cillian is with Ollie, but that’s just not me. Does Shai wantme to be that way with him?
“You’re good at everything too, pet,” I say, testing the words.
“Um…you don’t have to say that to me. It’s weird.”
“Thank fuck.” I breathe out a sigh of relief, and everyone laughs.
“You guys can finish.” Cillian stands. “Wanna smoke?”
“God yes. Please yes. My class was the worst thing that ever happened to me.”
