“Eventually Cillian showed up. I can’t say how he knew I needed him, but then, he’s always known. Suddenly, he was there, in my house. He climbed on the bed, didn’t fucking care about the blood or a dead body, and just sat with me, put his arm around me. We didn’t speak, and he didn’t try and get me to leave, simply waited with me until I was ready.”
I feel weird right now, almost like I did that night, standing outside my body and looking down at myself. Sharing this with Shaiisweird, right? What am I doing? Why am I telling him this?
“We bandaged her wrists, which is fucking dumb, but we did it anyway. Then we wrapped her up in the sheets and blankets. Cil called Tiernan, and in no time he was there too—three eight-year-olds being adults and taking care of business. Cillian called his father, and all the grown-ups came. I remember how everyone looked at me, all covered in her blood, wide-eyed and feral.”
“What about your dad?”
“He’d decided he was done with her before that. Cillian’s parents—Rian and Moira—came, and Fia too. She’sTiernan’s mom. And then Conan, another member of our family. Conan and Rian beat the shit out of my father when he came back, for not taking care of her or me. Sloan was pissed at them for it. They were likely punished. Rian and Moira took me home with them. Conan and Rian, neither liked my father much after that.”
I haven’t talked about her in a long time, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
“Do you have anything? Coke or something?” I ask.
“I have some weed.” He climbs out of bed and grabs a box from his closet. We sit in bed together while Shai rolls a joint. “I’m sorry.”
“For not having coke?”
Shai frowns. “For what happened. What you saw and what you lost. I’m glad you had them—even if I do think Cillian is an asshole.”
I shrug. “We’re all assholes. But he’s the best of us all, if I’m being honest.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it.”
“You’ll get to know him.” I take the joint from him and light it, pulling the smoke into my lungs, my whole body relaxing.
“Why? Because I’m friends with Ollie?”
“Yes, but also because I want you to. Because he’s my person, and you’re my pet, and…” And it doesn’t feel right for them not to know each other. I don’t want to consider what that means.
I pass him the joint.
“Do you still do them?” Shai asks.
“Do what?”
“Model airplanes.”
“I haven’t, no.”
He nods as if he understands, gives me the joint, reachesdown to the stand at the foot of his bed, and grabs his guitar. He leans against the wall, naked, and plucks softly at the strings, his fingers moving fluidly, in this way I could never do. “This okay?” he asks.
My pulse slows even more, my head feeling less busy with all my scattered thoughts. “Yes. It’s relaxing.”
We smoke and he plays, at one point the joint hanging from his mouth as he gets lost in the music. His nail polish is more chipped than usual, and I wonder why he hasn’t painted them again. He’s got barbells in his nipples, which is incredibly fucking hot. And I just…watch. I don’t think I could turn away even if I wanted to.
When the joint is dusted, I lie down beside him, touch and kiss and nibble at his thigh while he plays. It’s nice. I like it. It’s always soothed me when Cillian played the piano, and Shai’s guitar seems to have the same effect.
“I won’t fuck your mom,” I stress again, not sure why I need him to understand that.
“Good.”
“I’ll try not to hurt her either, but if she does something that upsets my pet, I can’t make any promises.”
His fingers fumble the chords, Shai looking down at me like he’s hearing me but not sure if he believes the words.
“I’m serious, pet.”
“I’m not your responsibility.”
