"You're an idiot," Jules told him.
Boner dropped his hands to his side. "Oh, care to enlighten us? How does someone look when they're being electrocuted?"
"Not like that," Jules said simply. "If you want a demonstration, I can throw a toaster into the bath the next time you're in there."
"That'ssucha generous offer," Boner said. "But I have to decline."
"Shame," Jules muttered.
"No one is going to fry anyone with a toaster," I said firmly.
"Of course not," Boner said. "Not when a hairdryer makes so much more sense. I mean, people would definitely think a toaster in the bathtub was suspicious."
"Unless someone likes to make toast while they bathe," Archer said.
"Is there anyone on the face of the planet who does that?" Boner seemed genuinely curious.
"Not that I'm aware of," Archer said, toying with the phone in his hand. "But if we can think up something, then someone's done it. It's like book genres. No matter how weird the idea you can come up with, someone's written it. Like snowman porn. Or deadly games of ping pong."
"What about dragon smut?" Boner challenged.
"It's a thing," Archer replied.
"Huh." Boner grunted. "What about door smut?"
"Also a thing," Archer said. “There's even a book about a self-service checkout."
Jules stared at him. "How do you even…" He shook his head. "You know what? Forget I asked. I don't want to know."
"You might learn something," Boner said, grinning at his expense. "What happens if one day you wake up as a self-serve checkout and you don't know how to fuck?"
"If I wake up one day as a self-serve checkout, fucking is going to be the last thing on my mind," Jules said.
"What will be the first?" Archer asked, his expression deadpan.
"Let me guess." Boner was having way too much fun with this. "The first thing you'd think about is how to weigh bananas."
"Have you had therapy recently?" Jules asked him. "Because you need therapy."
Boner laughed. "Is that denial I hear?" He placed a hand to his ear and listened intently.
"No, it's the sound of me telling you you're out of your fucking mind," Jules said darkly. After a moment, he added, "For the record, if I woke up tomorrow as a self-service checkout, I'd wonder how the hell I ended up that way. It'd probably be because of something Boner did."
"Guilty," Boner grinned. "If anyone could find a way to do that, it'd be me. Lucky for all of us, magic isn't a thing. We'll have to read books and imagine the possibilities."
"I wrote a fire hydrant romance once," Cass said, breaking the brief silence that followed Boner's words.
We all turned to look at him.
He shrugged. "They have long hoses."
I bit back a laugh.
"Can I read it someday?" I didn't want him to think I was making fun of him and his creativity. He piqued my curiosity, that was all.
"Yeah, I guess so," he said after a moment's hesitation. "You'll think it's weird."
"I want to know what happens when dogs piss on them," Boner said.
